January 1, 0001
HumourList Package 109
Happy New Year everyone…
HumourList Package Contents: Useless Trivia Jokes, Jokes, Jokes
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has ever memorized all 158 verses.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
The average secretary’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
There are more chickens in the world than people.
Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”
All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the American $5 bill.
Almonds are members of the peach family.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
There are only four words in the English language which end in “-dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
Los Angeles’s full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula”. And can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, “L.A.”
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state’s third largest city.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “Its A Wonderful Life.”
A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the “1” encased in the “shield” and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
The name for Oz in the “Wizard of Oz” was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence “Oz.”
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
John Lennon’s first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps blood out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1⁄10 of a calorie.
Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Polar bears are left handed.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, thus ranking #1 for ‘animal having the most taste buds.’
The flea can jump 350 times its body length; that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head before it starves to death.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.
A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
Starfishes haven’t got brains.
CELEBRITY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
Hansons agree not to suck nearly as much this year - if they’re still around.
Robert Downey, Jr. promises to be drug free for the next 3 to 6 months.
O. J. pledges to find the “real killer” sometime in the next millennium.
(adapted from The Daily Probe, January 5, 1998)
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS FOR STUPID PEOPLE
Here are some New Year’s Resolutions you can suggest to the idiots around you:
I will not lick the flagpole on a freezing winter day even if someone swears it tastes like cinnamon.
I will not comb my eyebrows over my head and try to pass it off as a full head of hair.
I will not park in the handicapped space at the bowling alley no matter how low my bowling average is.
I will not use correction fluid as a condiment.
I will not try to send three-dimensional objects via email.
LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP INTO RESOLUTIONS By Robert Kirby, The Salt Lake Tribune, January 1, 1998
One of my favorite homilies is “Wish in one hand and spit in the other, and see which one fills up first.” Or words to that effect.
I use this as a guideline when drawing up a list of New Year’s resolutions (NYRs). If not completely honest, it at least keeps me somewhat lucid in my planning. After all, there is no point in resolving to do something that just isn’t going to happen because of some pathological foolishness on your part.
Experts – and it’s pretty scary to think that there are some in this field – say that the secret to effective New Year’s resolutions is understanding the difference between wishes and goals. Wishes are mere whims.
For example, “I wish I weighed less than a Dumpster” is not a good resolution. See? It has the word “wish” in it. A resolution needs to be more concrete.
Weighty Goal: An appropriate NYR would be to set a goal of weighing less than said Dumpster, mainly by assigning yourself a goal weight. Say, oh, absolutely no more than a Trash Masher, including marble counter top.
The important thing is to be realistic. Set goals you can reach, preferably without the use of illegal drugs and beatings. Think the resolution through.
My first resolution, made when I was 9, was to go the entire year without being stung by a wasp. It was a good NYR, but I didn’t think it through. Proof came in June when I was stung 11 times in 30 seconds. The experience helped me further refine the resolution to “not squirt wasp nests with the hose.”
Writing down your NYRs is an essential part of the process. Experts claim written goals are much harder to ignore, especially if you write them on your face with a tattoo gun. A good written goal for someone trying to get out of debt would be to write “Avoid all further contact with loan sharks” on both leg casts.
Take It Easy: Be patient. Do not expect results overnight. The best NYRs are the ones that take time. Nowhere is this more true than in such aggressive NYRs as a divorce, completed novel, Zen achievement, or the dictatorship of a medium-size countries.
The absolute most important part of an NYR is the one thing that experts in this field have ignored. More than anything else, it is the one factor that makes an NYR successful and satisfying.
Do not forget to lord your NYR over other people. Being insufferable about your NYR encourages other people to help you keep your resolution.
For example, say you want to quit smoking. Seek out people who are still smoking and needle them about what you are no longer doing to your lungs. “Yup, it’s been 46 hours and 13 minutes, and I feel better already. You know you’re killing yourself, don’t you?”
[Editor’s Note: Ken, you paying attention?]
Later, when you try to cadge a smoke off these people, they will either gleefully remind you of your high-minded NYR, or punch you in the face. Either way, you will not get the smoke and that puts you one step closer to success.
Furthermore, any sign of NYR progress should be exploited to the max.
If, after a couple of months of dieting, you can finally get your
butt into the car without having to back in first, you should run out
and purchase some Spandex clothing. Put it on and go out in public.
The looks on people’s faces will help remind you that you still have a long way to go.
Robert Kirby welcomes e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org The Salt Lake Tribune <http://www.sltrib.com
WAIT ‘TIL NEXT YEAR By Dave Barry, The Miami Herald, January 4, 1998
Right now, while you’re still burping up little gaseous reminders of the estimated 78 cheese puffs you consumed on New Year’s Eve, is the time to make your New Year’s resolutions.
Why make resolutions? Because you CAN be a better person. I bet you know somebody who seems to be perfect – somebody who always looks terrific; somebody who manages to devote plenty of time to both family and career; somebody whose house is spotless, whose children are well-behaved and whose dog does not smell as if it sleeps on a bed of decomposing raccoons.
You wonder how that person “does it all,” don’t you? Well, stop wondering and do something! Start right now! Get up off the sofa, put on some active sportswear, and kill that person with a crowbar!
No, seriously, you need to make some New Year’s resolutions so that you can become a better you – a more-attractive you; an organized you; a you that is … well, less like you.
At this point you are saying: “Dave, I would love nothing better than to be less like myself, but every year I make the same New Year’s resolution, which is that I will lose weight, and currently my thighs are the diameter of the trans-Alaska pipeline.”
Don’t feel bad! Many people have trouble sticking to their resolutions, and there is a simple scientific explanation for this. In 1987, a team of psychologists conducted a study in which they monitored the New Year’s resolutions of 275 people. After one week, the psychologists found that 92 percent of the people were keeping their resolutions; after two weeks, we have no idea what happened, because the psychologists had quit monitoring.
“We just lost our motivation,” they reported. “Also, we found ourselves eating Twinkies by the case.”
So we see that keeping resolutions can be difficult. But you CAN do it, if you follow these practical tips:
- BE REALISTIC. Many people give up because they “set their sights too high.” In making a New Year’s resolution, pick a goal that you can reasonably expect to attain, as we see in these examples:
Unrealistic Goal: “In the next month, I will lose 25 pounds.”
Realistic Goal: “Over the next year, taking it an ounce or two at a time, I will gain 25 pounds, and my face will bloat like a military life raft.”
Unrealistic Goal: “I will learn to speak Chinese.”
Realistic Goal: “I will order some Chinese food.”
Unrealistic Goal: “I will read a good book.”
Realistic Goal: “I will examine the outsides of some good books, then waddle over to the part of the bookstore where they sell pastries.”
Unrealistic Goal: “I will do volunteer work for a worthy cause.”
Realistic Goal: “I will give myself a hearty scratching.”
- THINK POSITIVE.
To succeed, you must believe in yourself. Write this motivational statement in large letters on a piece of paper and tape it someplace where you will see it often, such as on the inside of your eyeglasses: “I CAN do it, and I WILL do it! Starting next year!”
- LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES.
Let’s say that, like millions of weight-conscious Americans, you think you eat sensibly: Your diet consists almost exclusively of mineral water and low-calorie, low-fat foods. And yet you’re still gaining weight. Why? I’ll tell you why: You’re drinking water with minerals in it. Minerals are among the heaviest substances in the universe, second only to guests on The Jerry Springer Show. Think about it: The Appalachian mountains and most major appliances are essentially big wads of minerals, and you’re putting those things into your body. No wonder you’re gaining weight!
FACT: The word “Perrier” is French for “balloon butt.”
I have run out of room here, thank goodness, so let me say in closing that I wish you the best of luck with your 1998 resolutions, and I will do the best to keep my own resolution, which is to give you, every single week, the most useful, informative and accurate columns I possibly can. Starting next year.
Copyright © 1997 The Miami Herald http://www.herald.com/archive/barry/archive/98jan04.htm
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