January 1, 0001
HumourList Package 108
HumourList Package Contents: humour, nothing else (lots of short jokes, one-liners, holiday humour, etc)
TEACHING METHODS (Part 5 of 5)
The first day of class is always awkward, but here’s a list of 50 things that a professor can do to liven things up.
Tell students that you’ll fail them if they cheat on exams or “fake the funk.”
Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a sign-up sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about “that bug I picked up in the field.”
Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, “Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN’T HEEEEEEAR YOU!”
Kids’ Instructions On Life
Never trust a dog to watch your food. –Patrick, Age 10
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. –Matthew, Age 12
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. –Andrew, Age 9
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. –Rocky, Age 9
Sleep in your clothes so you’ll be dressed in the morning. –Stephanie, Age 8
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. –Rosemary, Age 7
Don’t flush the toilet when your dad’s in the shower. –Lamar, Age 10
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. –Carrol, Age 9
Never bug a pregnant mom. –Nicholas, Age 11
Don’t ever be too full for dessert. –Kelly, Age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him. –Heather, Age 16
Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. –Michael, Age 14
Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. –Joel, Age 12
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone. –Alyesha, Age 13
Never try to baptize a cat. –Laura, Age 13
Never spit when on a roller coaster. –Scott, Age 11
Never do pranks at a police station. –Sam, Age 10
Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it’s moving. –Rob, Age 10
Never tell your little brother that you’re not going to do what your mom told you to do. –Hank, Age 12
Remember you’re never too old to hold your father’s hand. –Molly, Age 11
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. –Chelsey, Age 7
Stay away from prunes. –Randy, Age 9
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. –Phillip, Age 13
Forget the cake. Go for the icing! –Cynthia, Age 8
Since you put it that way…
“Does anyone else find some irony in a bunch of politicians getting into a major fit over another politician lying?” –Tim Stahmer
ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
- 12% Monday
- 23% Tuesday
- 40% Wednesday
- 20% Thursday
- 5% Friday
“At this time of the year, with the holidays upon us, nothing says she cares about how I am, where I am and what I’m doing as much as the restraining order.” –Randy Saint
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
“S.C.U.B.A stands for something, but I can’t remember what it is. I think it might involve the Village People.” –Paul Paternoster
You know, when you sit back and REALLY think about it, why bother getting married?
Just find some woman you REALLY hate and buy her a house…
NEED FOR COFFEE OVERRIDES SCALDING SENSATION
ESCONDIDO, CA – Need for caffeine won out over intense, searing pain Tuesday, as Escondido-area coffee drinker Stephanie Cutler continued to drink her morning cup after sustaining third-degree burns on her tongue, lips and esophagus. “Must have coffee,” said Cutler, pausing to scream between sips of the deadly 150-degree beverage. “Must have coffee.”
© Copyright 1998 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.
[Editor’s note: sounds like someone I know, right Ken?]
IF COMPANIES RAN CHRISTMAS
If IBM ran Christmas… They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.
If Microsoft ran Christmas… Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn’t have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, and would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red and green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn’t work with their hooks.
If Apple ran Christmas… It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).
If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas… Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for ‘equalization’ of color combinations on the tree.
If Fisher Price ran Christmas… “Baby’s First Ornament” would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.
If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas…
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black
cubes. Christmas morning, there would be presents for everyone, but
no one would know what they were. Their service department would
have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole.
Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.
If the NSA ran Christmas… Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.
If Sony ran Christmas… Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas… Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.
If Cray ran Christmas… The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.
If Timex ran Christmas… The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas… The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.
If K-Tel ran Christmas… Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some, they would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.
(Thanks to Daryl Hillen)
CHRISTMAS CAROLS AT THE PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL
Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Dementia: I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas
Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and… or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expenses
Borderline Personality: Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire
Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me
Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry. I’m Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I’ll Tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock…
Passive Aggressive On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave to Me… (And Then Took it All Away)
The following are kids’ interpretations of Christmas carol lyrics:
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He’s makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer.
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
You’ll go down in listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
You’ll tell Carol, “Be a skunk, I require”
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid
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