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January 1, 0001

HumourList Package 107

HumourList Package Contents: humour, nothing else


TEACHING METHODS (part 4 of 5)

The first day of class is always awkward, but here’s a list of 50 things that a professor can do to liven things up.

  1. Announce that students from 1987’s class have almost finished their class projects.

  2. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

  3. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he’s named “Boogers McGee” and is your “mascot.” Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, “What’ll be, McGee?”

  4. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you “Snuggles.”

  5. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you’ve named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don’t use it.

  6. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

  7. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

  8. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

  9. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

  10. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute “commercial breaks” every ten minutes.


Microsoft Sues Bandai Over Tamagotchi Redmond WA, (AP).

Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against Tamagotchi maker, Bandai. Microsoft is claiming that the Tamagotchi (the Japanese electronic pet that’s all the rage with the kids) is an infringement of its intellectual property.

Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated “Software that needs constant, even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like Windows to me. This is clearly an infringement on our technology”.

The Bandai company spokesman refused to comment on the suit


‘Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

The kids they weren’t talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn’t argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barking, I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, “Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus.

I said, “Claus, I don’t know nobody named Claus, and you ain’t taking me in without probable cause.” Then the Sheriff he said, “The man was shot at last night.” I said, “That might have been me, just what’s he look like.”

The Sheriff replied, “Well he’s a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry.” I said, “Sheriff that sounds like my wife’s sister Sherri.”

“It’s no time for jokes Roy” the Sheriff he said. “The man I’m describing in dressed all in red. I’m here for the truth now, it’s time to come clean. Tell me what you’ve done, tell me what you’ve seen.”

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn’t have been the first time that I’ve spent New Years in jail. I said, “Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again.”

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO’s. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red’s gutter. Well my hands were a shaking as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red’s chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowing. I thought he stolen Red’s stuff while old Red was out bowling’. So I yelled, “Drop fat boy, hands in the air!” But he went about his business like he hadn’t a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, “That’s assault with intent Roy, I’ll see ya in court.”


Quotes from Kids (some of these are old, some are new)

How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?

“You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one.” Kally, age 9

“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.” Allan, age 10

“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you’re stuck with.” Kirsten, age 10

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!” Cam, age 10

“No age is good to get married at…. You got to be a fool to get married!” Freddie, age 6

How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married

“Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.” Eddie, age 6

“You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.” Derrick, age 8

What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common

“Both don’t want no more kids.” Lori, age 8

What Do Most People Do on a Date

“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.” Lynnette, age 8

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” Martin, age 10

What the Children Would Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour

“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.” Craig, age 9

When is It Okay to Kiss Someone

“When they’re rich!” Pam, age 7

“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.” Curt, age 7

“The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them…. It’s the right thing to do.” Howard, age 8

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married

“I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing … I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out!” Theodore, age 8

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!” Anita, age 9

“Single is better … for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no diapers… Of course, if I did get married, I’d figure something out. I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.” Kirsten, age 10

What Advice Do You Have for a Young Couple About to Be Married

“The first thing I’d say to them is: ‘Listen up, youngins … I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?‘” Craig, age 9

What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get Married

“A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together.” Marlon, age 10

How to Make a Marriage Work

“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!” Ricky, age 7

Getting Married for a Second Time

“Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live one.” Angie L., age 10

How Would the World Be Different if People Didn’t Get Married

“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there” Kelvin, age 8

“You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now!” Roberta, age 7


When my brother-in-law was on leave from national service, he brought home a heavily tattooed friend. We all sat down to Sunday lunch, and my four-year-old nephew couldn’t take his eyes off the man’s colorful arms.

Curiosity finally got the better off him. Politely, he asked the visitor, “Didn’t your mother give you paper to write on?”


For all of the Unix geeks like me:

better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus <north pole town

cat /etc/passwd list ncheck list ncheck list cat list | grep naughty nogiftlist cat list | grep nice giftlist santa claus < north pole town

who | grep sleeping who | grep awake who | grep bad || good for (goodness sake) { be good }


CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ALWAYS DARKEN HOLY MATRIMONY By Robert Kirby, The Salt Lake Tribune, December 1, 1998

This morning, my wife asked me for a divorce. Oh, she didn’t come right out and use the D word. She’s much too subtle for that. What she said was, “When are you going to put up the Christmas lights?”

Longtime veterans of marriage to women know that “today” is the proper answer to such a rhetorical question. What I said was, “Just as soon as I finish killing Herb.”

Every neighborhood has a Herb. On my street, it’s Herb Mote. Most of the year, Herb is a nice guy. Easy-going and soft-spoken, he loans me tools and helps me fix stuff. But every year, sometime around Thanksgiving, Herb turns into the Antichrist.

Herb is the first guy to put up Christmas lights. To his credit, he does a great job. What the rest of the men on the street can’t figure out is why. Not only is Herb’s wife much smaller than he is, none of us have ever seen her hit him with anything larger than a crock pot.

Herb dragging lights around on his roof is the first sure sign of Christmas in the Spring Hills subdivision. This wouldn’t be a big deal if our wives didn’t notice, but they do. Mainly because when he’s finally done, Herb’s house is so festive that you can see it from Alpha Centauri.

After that, it’s nonstop spousal reminders like, “Today would be a good day to put up the lights, dear,” and “Let’s make Christmas really special this year.” While these all sound harmless enough, men know that they are just different ways of saying, “Go up on the roof and hurt yourself.”

I didn’t always know this. When I was a kid, I believed my mom when she said that Christmas lights were designed to show Santa Claus where to land. After I got married, I believed my dad’s shouts from the top of the house, “Lousy #@&*! lights!”

As a veteran Xmas-light guy, I offer this simple checklist as a way of making the job easier.

Safety: Getting up on the roof is not the hard part. That would be the ground, which you want to avoid returning to without the use of a ladder. Since Christmas lights typically go around the part of the roof known as “the edge,” there is no way to avoid this hazard. You can, however, soften your fear with lots of insurance and/or eggnog.

Preparation: Untangle and test the lights before dragging them up on the house top. This is important because no matter how carefully you stored the lights last Christmas, they will be snarled again this Christmas. Furthermore, half of them will not work two-thirds of the time. The edge of a roof is the wrong place to start wishing that you had never been born.

Arrangement: Because of gender differences, this may be the most difficult part of Christmas lights. As a rule, women want the lights to be symmetrical in appearance. For those of you thinking “Huh?” right now, “symmetrical” means “the way Martha Stewart would like it.” For this, a guy will need a calculator, a sextant, lots more eggnog and the patience of the dead.

Maintenance: Just because the lights are up and you are down does not mean that you can forget about them. Lights burn out. For some reason incomprehensible even to scientists, the person not responsible for climbing on the roof will also be the same person most bothered by the fact that one light in 5,000 is not working.

Removal: Depending on how good you are at watching and analyzing the weather, taking down the Christmas lights is something that can be postponed until the end of July.


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