January 1, 0001
HumourList Package 106
HumourList Package Contents: humour, nothing else
TEACHING METHODS (Part 3 of 5)
The first day of class is always awkward, but here’s a list of 50 things that a professor can do to liven things up.
Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and sing spirituals.
Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask him/her to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student’s name, rank and serial number.
Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka and announce that the lecture’s over when the bottle’s done.
Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
Every so often, freeze mid-sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
Wear a “virtual reality” helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
Mention in passing that you’re wearing rubber underwear.
Growl constantly and address students as “matey.”
Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to “sit back and groove.”
CIA Director George Tenet has testified before Congress on why U.S. intelligence didn’t know that India was preparing to test nuclear bombs…
Said Tenet: “We were too busy killing Bill Clinton’s former business associates.”
Ain’t THAT the truth:
“When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.”
“How did you lose your job at the dress shop?” a woman asked her friend.
“Well, after trying on about 25 dresses, the customer said to me, ‘I think I’d look nicer in something flowing.’”
“And I suggested the Mississippi…”
“After my Windows 98 crashed 6 times, I ran out and got ‘Friend of the Robot’ tattooed on my forehead, thinking the machines were rebelling and planning to kill us all. Imagine my chagrin when it just turned out to be a crappy product.” – Dave James
Lee was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When he was asked the reason for his haste, he shivered and replied: “I’m afraid that if I should ever fall behind in the payments to that witch, she might well try to repossess me.”
The little boy was caught by his teacher swearing. “Jeffrey,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?”
“My daddy said it,” he responded.
“Well. that doesn’t matter,” she explained, “you don’t know what it means.”
“I do too,” Jeffrey corrected. “It means the car won’t start.”
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer (who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket) went in to try out for the job.
“OK,” the sheriff drawled, “Gomer, what is 1 and 1?”
“11” he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.”
“What two days of the week start with the letter ’T’?”
“Today and tomorrow.” He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
“Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute, and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”
“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”
So Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. “It went great – first day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”
A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn’t take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace.
There were only two survivors: the boat’s owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny. Both managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.
“Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?” cried the Benny. “We’re going to die on this lonely island. We’ll never be discovered here.”
“Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny,” began the confident Dr. Eskin. “Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year business was good again, so the two charities each got a million dollars.”
“So what?” shouted Benny.
“Well, it’s time for their annual fund drives. They’ll find me,” smiled Dr. Eskin.
A couple of drinkin’ buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at the Los Angeles International Airport (LAX); it’s fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”
“Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel - that’ll kinda give you a buzz.”
So they get smashed and have a beautiful time, like only drinkin’ buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up. But It doesn’t. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels great - NO hangover!
The phone rings, it’s his buddy. The buddy says “Hey, how do you feel?”
He said, “I feel great!!”
His buddy says, “I feel great too!! You don’t have a hangover?”
“No - that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often”
“Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing…”
“Did you fart yet?”
“Did you FART yet??”
“Well, DON’T, ‘cause I’m in Phoenix!!”
THE GUERILLA GUIDE TO TELEMARKETING DEFENSE METHODS
We have all gotten these, usually when we have just sat down for
dinner or to use the bathroom. Well the time has come to fight back!
Enough is a enough!! Try these the next time some one wants to sell you a set of encyclopedias.
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
If they start out with, ‘How are you today?’ say, ‘Why do you want to know?’ Alternately, you can tell them, ‘I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…’ When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.
If they say they’re Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
This one works better if you’re male: Telemarketer: ‘Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with Canter & Siegel services…’
You: Hang on a second. (a few seconds’ pause) Okay, (in really husky voice) what are you wearing?
Cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, ‘Judy! Is that you? Oh, my GOSH! Judy, how have you BEEN?’ Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could possibly know you from.
Say ‘No’, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, ‘I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?’
If they clean rugs: ‘Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?’ Alternate: ‘Sorry, my floor is made of stone.’
Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional ‘Uh-huh’, ‘Really’ or ‘How fascinating’. Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them you couldn’t just give out your credit card number to a complete stranger.
Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: ‘This is Bill from WaterTronics.’ You: ‘WaterTronics! Hey, I work for them too. Where are you calling from?’ Telemarketer: ‘Uh…Dallas, Texas.’ You: ‘Great, they have a group there too? How’s business/the weather?!?’ Telemarketer: ‘Sorry, we can’t sell to employees.’ You: ‘Oh, okay. Bye!’
Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream ‘HELP ME!!!” and then hang up.
(Jerry Seinfeld version) Tell the telemarketer you’re busy at the moment and if they give you their phone number, you’ll call them back. Telemarketer will say ‘We’re not allowed to give out our number’. You say, ‘I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at work, right?’ Telemarketer will agree. You say ‘Now you know how I feel!’ Hang-up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
Tell them you are on ‘home incarceration’ and ask if they could please bring you some beer.
Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. ‘Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?’
Tell them they will have to speak up… louder… Louder… LOUDER…
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
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