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January 1, 0001

HumourList Package 105

HumourList Package Contents: humour, nothing else



The first day of class is always awkward, but here’s a list of 50 things that a professor can do to liven things up.

  1. Play “Kumbaya” on the banjo.

  2. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

  3. Announce “you’ll need this” and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

  4. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

  5. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown’s “Sex Machine.”

  6. Ask occasional questions, but mutter “as if you gibbering simps would know” and move on before anyone can answer.

  7. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

  8. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

  9. Address each student as “worm.”

  10. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.


A guy walked into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then took out a perfume bottle and started spraying perfume all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man saiys “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, ‘Guess who?’ “

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.


I am Steve Caze, newly crowned Grand Caliph of the Internet.

Welcome to AOLscape, the latest member of the AOL family. Let me describe to you some wonderful features of this new, powerful browser.

  1. After extensive scientific research, we have determined that the single most important thing an AOL user wants, is to know what other AOL users are wearing. I must admit that this question has caught me unawares at times when I went surfing in my lavender pajamas

Nonetheless, this is what my users want, and this is what they will get. The new browser will feature a “what-R-U-wEaRiNg???” button. This is the default AOL spelling, but you may change it as you wish.

  1. Annoying ads. Obviously you’re wondering who would want these. Well, my 14 million members do. And now you will too. :)

  2. My new internet vision. My vision is based on one thing, and one thing only - free daily spam in your Email!

Frankly, at times I suspect this is the stuff our members live for. Membership has skyrocketed since we started getting spammed here at AOL.

Earlier I used to get irritated to find this crap every time I opened my inbox, but now I’ve grown to enjoy it first thing in the morning with a fresh cup of coffee. Of course, now you will too. ;)

  1. L33t Hax0r mode. The new browser will feature this advanced mode meant for elite teenage hackers and connoisseurs of warez. Allow me to illustrate this with an example.

Normal user message: “Hi” L33t Hax0r message : “y0! aNy1 g0t aNy l33t mp3 wAr3z???”

  1. Your Friendly Neighborhood AOL guides (formerly known as Mozilla hackers). Yep, all those mozilla programmers will now troll through AOL “rooms” preventing cybersex. Let’s face it, it’s a whole lot more fun than debugging unix code.

  2. The internet. Now people will be able to use the Internet. From AOL. Imagine.

  3. Annoying noises. The rest of the net has been missing this basic feature. Now everytime you have new mail, your browser will say (yep, you guessed it) “You’ve got mail!”. I apologize if you find this irritating, but AOL users are a little slow, if you catch my drift. Anyway, this goes great with feature #8.

  4. A raised middle finger to Microsoft. This will now be an icon on the toolbar. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time. Those JERKS! Making me buy their lousy @!#%?%^%*# piece-of-junk browser! Take THAT, suckers!

  5. New browser logo. That stupid “N” with flying comets will be replaced by a picture of my handsome smiling face. (I love my job!)

(Note to BillG: This is ONE thing you can’t buy, buddy.)

  1. Newbie users. How can newbie AOL users be a browser “feature”? Boy, are you in for a BIG surprise!


August, 1998; Montevideo, Uruguay

Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra’s performance of Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture at an outdoor childrens’ concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.

Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, “I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket.” However, Paolo was not “up” on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and
in his haste to get the horn raised before the firecracker went off, he failed to lift the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.

What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players, and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.

Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backward into the row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominoes. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.

Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo’s Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, “Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still.
Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain to my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say “Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul und opposeet reakshon!” Well, it should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a super heated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone which exited the mouthpiece burning his lips and face.

The pyrotechnic ballet wasn’t over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backward off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backward he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone’s slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.

The moral of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in the low brass section yell out, “HEY, EVERYBODY, WATCH THIS!!!!”


Top Reasons Why It’s Great to be a Guy

[Editor’s Note: No wonder I’m single … I keep sending out stuff like this.]

  • Phone conversations last 30 seconds
  • You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
  • A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
  • Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
  • You can open all your own jars
  • Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind
  • When clicking thru the channels you don’t have to stop on every shot of someone crying
  • You can go to the bathroom alone
  • You can leave a motel room bed unmade
  • You can kill your own food
  • The garage is all yours
  • You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
  • You see the humor in “Terms of Endearment”
  • You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
  • If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.
  • Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
  • You don’t have to shave anything below your neck
  • You don’t have to curl up next to some big hairy guy every night
  • Chocolate is just another snack
  • You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
  • Flowers fix everything
  • You never have to worry about other’s feelings
  • Three pair of shoes are more than enough
  • Car mechanics tell you the truth
  • You don’t give a flip if someone doesn’t notice your new haircut
  • You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking “he must be mad at me.”
  • One mood, all the time
  • You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
  • Gray hair and wrinkles add character
  • Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental 100 bucks
  • If you retain water, it is in a canteen
  • The remote is yours and yours alone
  • You need not pretend you’re “freshening up” when you go to the bathroom
  • If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
  • The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
  • You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny
  • New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet


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