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January 1, 0001

HumourList Package 104

HumourList Package Contents: humour, nothing else



The first day of class is always awkward, but here’s a list of 50 things that a professor can do to liven things up.

  1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

  2. After confirming everyone’s names on the roll, thank the class for attending “Advanced Astrodynamics 690” and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

  3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream “MY PACEMAKER!”

  4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and monocle and carry a riding crop.

  5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream “YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?”

  6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, “The Professor can’t hear you, you’ll have to ask me, Winky Willy.”

  7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand him/her your piece of chalk, and ask, “Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr./Ms. Smartypants?”

  8. Pick out random students, ask them questions and time their responses with a stopwatch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering “tsk, tsk.”

  9. Ask students to call you “Tinkerbell” or “Surfin’ Bird.”

  10. Stop mid-lecture, frown, then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.


Microsoft recently announced that the upcoming release 5.0 of Windows NT will be renamed “Windows 2000,” which will presumably be abbreviated Win2K in the press. That gets one thinking about a comparison between Win2K and Y2K…

Win2K - Represents large problem for computers, looming in the near future. Y2K - Ditto.

Win2K - Projected to ship in mid 1999. Y2K - Projected to start causing problems in mid 1999.

Win2K - Real effects won’t be known until sometime in the year 2000. Y2K - Ditto.

Win2K - Will cost corporations millions in support, upgrades, and time. Y2K - Ditto.

Win2K - Will result in a need to upgrade most hardware. Y2K - Ditto.

Win2K - Entire industry waiting for the product to slip…uh, ship. Y2K - Entire country waiting for solutions to ship.

Win2K - Many characterize it as being an evil plot created by programmers. Y2K - ditto.

Win2K - Probably could have been avoided if UNIX had a better U/I. Y2K - Probably could have been avoided through foresight and planning.

Win2K - Likely to cause more bugs than it cures. Y2K - Ditto.

===================================================================== The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy. “John,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only… Smith, Jones, Baker… That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is … “


HR Manager to job candidate: “I see you’ve had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you’re under-qualified for our entry- level positions.”


Quote from telephone inquiry: “We’re only hiring one summer intern this year and we won’t start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss’ daughter finishes her summer classes.”


There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two … I forget.


This is apparently a true story…

In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.

In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn’t send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they’d take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man’s bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.


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