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January 1, 0001


HumourList Package 103

(yay, we’re over the 500 subscriber mark, next stop – 1,000)

HumourList Package Contents: humour, nothing else

[Jokes]==============================================================

My aunt, a Manhattanite for many years, recounted to me this true story from her early days in the Big Apple.

When a beloved pet dies in New York City, it must be properly disposed of. No backyard ceremonies permitted. Dumbwaiter or incinerator disposal is also taboo. People are expected to go to the correct facility for the cremation of their pet.

Following the demise of her old dog, my aunt, obeying the rules, carefully packed the dog’s body in a brown box and tied it tightly with string. She walked the three blocks to the subway (thank goodness the dog was not an Afghan) and waited for the train to the nearest crematorium.

It was rush hour and the subways were jammed to the hilt. The door opened, and she squeezed herself in backward – the box just clearing the door. As the door began to shut, a man bounded forward and snatched the box from her hands. As the doors slid slowly closed, my aunt, now boxless and dogless, had time only to shout to the thief,

“Have a nice day!”

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THINGS I LEARNED THE HARD WAY

Most of the paintings in the Lourve in Paris are not Scratch-and-Sniff.

Trust professionals to do body piercing. It just doesn’t work as well with a ball point pen.

French police (gendarmes for people who speak Scottish) have very little sense of humor (refer to lesson #1).

No one from AOL will EVER ask you for your password. Nor will they EVER ask to come to you home and perform a full cavity search. Don’t fall for this clever ruse.

The scalloped potatoes at a family steak house buffet table are usually scorching hot. It’s not a smart idea to ‘cheat’ the restaurant by stuffing your pockets full of them. Choose instead the banana pudding with Nilla Wafers.

When neighborhood kids play ‘Kick-The-Can’ using your head, it’s probably time to stop drinking.

Don’t learn to water-ski naked, unless of course you actually want an enema.

Don’t watch any episodes of M*A*S*H from the last 6 seasons.

A cucumber or mud mask is a way to open the pores on your face and strip away dead skin. This will help your face feel look younger and will give you more self-confidence. This doesn’t work so well with a Krazy-Glue mask.

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CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS HAPPENED IN OTTAWA?!

First some back ground information - the parking lot at a friend’s workplace uses a proximity card for entry into the parking garage.
November 11 is a holiday for Govt workers, and since Mike’s workplace rents office space in the same building as Canada Post national headquarters, so the number of people requiring parking was mush less than a normal day so the gates to the parking lot were just left open.

From Mike:

“As I was leaving work today a blonde pulls up to the parking garage and attempts to use her proximity card to open the gates to the parking lot. [which were already open]

The machine doesn’t acknowledge her card - she tries her card about three or four times and the machine still doesn’t beep. She then starts slamming her card against the reader - still the machine doesn’t accept her card. She got out of her car and started hitting the card reader and yelling at the parking attendent. He came over very calmly and asked what the problem was.

She was yelled at him that ‘the ******* machine is busted’ The attendent very calmly and politely responded that the machine was not busted, but was turned off. She yelled back at him ‘What the **** is the machine turned off for?’ Just because most people have the day off doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have to go to the office. At this point I was amazed at how well he could keep a straight face. He gestured to the open gate and told her that the machine was turned off because all the bright-yellow-coloured gates were open and the proximity cards were not need to enter the packing lot.

She looked at the gate and without saying another word got into her car and slammed the door. At that point the attendent couldn’t hold himself back anymore and just burst out laughing. I went up to the next level of the parking garage, where my car was, and as I came out of the stairway, she was just driving up to the level. I was still laughing as she drove by. When she noticed I was laughing, she gave me the finger and was yelling at me from inside her car.

She was so involved with yelling at me that she wasn’t watching where she was driving and she clipped a cement pillar in the garage and smashed her passenger side mirror off the car. At that point she just kept going and left that garage.

By the time I got to my car and was leaving the parking lot attendent had come up to clean up the broken glass. He told me that he saw the whole thing on the security camera and that he intended to make a copy of the tape.

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The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor was not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a “walk” and the students were free to leave – with no penalties for missing a class.

The rooms were equipped with the type of wall clocks which “jumped” ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to “jump” ahead 1 minute.

So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely “absent-minded”). A few well-aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told the class, “You have one hour to complete the examination”.

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, and gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had successfully “jumped” the clock forward one hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.

Life does teach some lessons the hard way.

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During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn’t hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, “This might hurt a little more than I thought…”

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A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, the man mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.” The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. “And what if I swallow it?”

“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”

[end]================================================================

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