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January 1, 0001

HumourList Package 101

HumourList Package Contents: Opening Comments Admin message humour pun alert

[Opening Comments]===================================================

Hi all. Me again. Ian asked me for a favor, and well, he’s done so many for me, I couldn’t possibly turn him down. He’s a great guy, isn’t he? We actually have him to thank for this assortment of humor, but I agreed to write up the header and guest moderate for him. Now all together: “Thank you Ian.” Very good.

I haven’t actually seen the jokes yet. My first time will be when he sends the list out, just like all of you. So if they are bad, I’m not responsible. :)

Ian also mentioned that a certain woman that gave birth to him (we won’t mention any names but if you happen to guess it’s his mom, well, you can’t say that I told you who she is!) will be having a birthday on the 7th. Now she’s said she would disown him if he tells everyone on the list that 1) its her birthday, and 2) that her email address is, and 3) he encourages everyone to send her an email wishing her a happy birthday.

[Editor’s note: how about the fact that she’s __ years old?]

On the other hand, she hasn’t said the same thing to me. So you didn’t hear any of this from Ian or he might be in big trouble. And we don’t want to get Ian in any trouble. He’s pretty good at that all on his own. But feel free to email your brithday wishes to her, and be sure to tell her Jason told you to do it, not Ian.

On that note, I think we should just move on to the jokes…

  • Jason Trimble, Guest Moderator

[Editor’s Addendum: Ain’t that nifty … look who’s … disowned]


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Some of The Top Reasons You Didn’t Win the Halloween Costume Contest

[taken from The Top 13 Reasons You Didn’t Win the Halloween Costume Contest (Part II) - Chris White’s Top Five]

  • After your roommate insisted on being the front legs, you began to suspect that a burrito dinner wasn’t such a good idea.

  • “Hey! Blue dress with a stain and a cigar! Why didn’t I think of that??”

  • Your kindergarten students failed to see the humor in your “Road Kill Barney” costume.

  • Although your “Internal Bus Architecture of the Intel Celeron Chip” costume was a big hit with the other engineers at the office, things are different out in the real world.

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] [ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]


Taken from Chris White’s “The Top 12 Ways To Annoy A Trekkie”:

  • Tell him that it sounds like his Geo Metro’s antimatter injection tubes are out of phase balance with the warp coils, then watch him go nuts trying to run a level one diagnostic.

  • Ask him why the phrase “gettin’ to third base” is curiously absent from his Klingon glossary.

  • Haul him into to court and threaten to end his virtual monopoly on PC operating systems.


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] [ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]


Signs you’re not in college/university anymore:

  • Your salary is less than your tuition.
  • Your potted plants stay alive.
  • You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
  • You have to pay your own credit card bill.
  • You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.
  • 8:00a.m. is not early.
  • You have to file for your own taxes.
  • You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
  • You’re not carded anymore.
  • You start watching the weather channel.
  • Jeans and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.
  • You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
  • You go from 130 days of vacation time to 15.
  • You go to parties that the police don’t raid.
  • You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.
  • Your car insurance goes down.
  • Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
  • You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell. [Lance’s breeder would contest that there’s not much difference between these two though…]
  • You’re waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed
  • College sweatshirts are ‘casual’ instead of dress up.
  • Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
  • Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
  • Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
  • You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
  • Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
  • Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work, not video games.
  • Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.


(sounds like Stephen Wright – can anyone correct me on these?)

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me: (sniff) “Married!”’ (walk off). That’s how they mark their territory! You can take off that ring, but it’s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? For forty thousand bucks a piece I’ll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles – I already have bars on the windows.

I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the electric chair that’s hooked up to the generator.

[pun alert]==========================================================

A man who lived in an apartment building thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eyeball fell into his hand.

He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

“Is this yours?” he asked.

She said, “Yes, could you bring it up?” and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink.

As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, “I’m about to have dinner. There’s plenty; would you like to join me?”

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, “I’ve had a marvelous evening.

Would you like to stay the night?”

The man hesitated then said, “Do you act like this with every man you meet?”

And the punch line is……

“No,” she replied, “Only those who catch my eye.”


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