January 1, 0001
HumourList Package 100
HumourList Package Contents: Admin message humour
Welcome BACK to HumourList. To everyone who is brand new to HumourList, don’t worry about it. To everyone who had to resubscribe, thank you SO much for caring about HumourList enough to keep it going. We’re back to about 38% of our old subscriber base.
At last count, we’re at 285 subscribers. The first milestone we’re going to try and hit is the 500 subscriber mark.
To do this, everyone’s going to have to get used to the ‘invite’ command page: http://www.wildwebservices.com/humourlist/invite.html
On this page, simply type in your Email address and the Email address of a friend of your who you think would enjoy HumourList. Our list management software (ListMan) will send them an invitation on your behalf.
Soon, we’ll have some custom software in place to track who invites who, and who subscribes. When we hit the 500 mark, we will award prizes for the following: 1.) Subscriber who invited the most people who ended up subscribing 2.) Subscriber who invited the 500th subscriber 3.) 500th Subscriber
Prizes are yet to be decided on and the contest has NOT started yet. We are anticipating starting the contest around November 15th.
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads
"WARNING; ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"
The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads,
"NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
If Men Really Ruled The World
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”
Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in beer.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
“Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”
Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.
St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.”
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real “Get Out of Jail Free” cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. Example: Cop: “You know how fast you were going?” You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.” Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”
Faucets would run “Hot,” “Cold,” and “100 proof.”
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
Letters to a pastor
“Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold.” Age 8, Nashville.
“Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete.” Age 9, Phoenix
“Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert” Age 11, Anderson
“Dear Pastor, I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the plate, but my father didn’t give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty.” Age 10, New Haven
“Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette.” Age 9, Albany
“Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won’t be there. Stephen.” Age 8, Chicago
“Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen.” Age 9. Tacoma
“Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor.” Age 12, Sarasota
“Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie.” Age 10, New York City
“Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen” Age 9, Athens
“Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God’s help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander.” Age 10, Raleigh
“Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don’t think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua.” Age 10, South Pasadena
“Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla.” Age 10, Salina
“Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.” Ralph” Age 11, Akron
“Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie.” Age 9, Lewiston
New Motivational Posters:
http://www.wildwebservices.com/humourlist/images/futility.jpg http://www.wildwebservices.com/humourlist/images/apathy.jpg http://www.wildwebservices.com/humourlist/images/defeat.jpg http://www.wildwebservices.com/humourlist/images/failure.jpg http://www.wildwebservices.com/humourlist/images/agony.jpg http://www.wildwebservices.com/humourlist/images/procrastination.jpg http://www.wildwebservices.com/humourlist/images/losing.jpg http://www.wildwebservices.com/humourlist/images/mediocrity.jpg http://www.wildwebservices.com/humourlist/images/mistakes.jpg http://www.wildwebservices.com/humourlist/images/pessimism.jpg http://www.wildwebservices.com/humourlist/images/ineptitude.jpg http://www.wildwebservices.com/humourlist/images/stupidty.jpg
HumourList List Manager can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org
Instructions on subscribing or unsubscribing (and many other commands) can be seen online at The Official HumourList Home Page: http://www.wildwebservices.com/humourlist/