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January 1, 0001

HumourList Package #89

Hey all.

Well, what a week. Some great new jokes came in, but the most interesting piece of mail came from Randy Cassingham, who runs the mailing list called “This is True”:

“The story ‘SYBIL SQUARED’ was lifted, word for word, from my copyrighted syndicated newspaper column, “This is True”. A copyright notice accompanies every issue posted on the Internet, which specifically states that stories may NOT be reposted to other lists, and that the copyright and other such info may NOT be removed.

“I realize that it is probable that someone submitted the story to you as-is. I would appreciate it if you would do several things:

– Let me know who submitted the piece so I can inform them of the rules.

No need, everyone on HumourList now knows…

– Provide a “retro-credit” for my story in your next issue in the form of “The story ‘Sybil Squared’ in Package #88 is from ‘This is True’ by Randy Cassingham, and was submitted to HumourList without permission.”

“The story ‘Sybil Squared’ in Package #88 is from ‘This is True’ by Randy Cassingham, and was submitted to HumourList without permission.”

There… simple.

– If you keep archives, either edit issue 88 to include the proper credit or, at your option, delete the story.

Backissue 88 will reflect this change.

– Remind your readers how wrong it is to submit copyrighted material, or ANY material where proper attribution has been removed.

Very true folks. Randy and I really do hate to sound anal on the subject but the fact remains that stealing other peoples’ work, intentionally leaving out the copyright notice or not, creates a lot of headaches for us.

Randy and I had a good discussion via Email about this subject.

Anyhow, if you see a joke from some other mailing list or web site, or even our of Reader’s Digest, PLEASE make note of any copyright notices and pass them on with the joke so HumourList doesn’t get in trouble like this.

All together now: “Sorry Randy…”

What I’d REALLY like to know, is who told Randy. ;-) I don’t think he’s a HumourList subscriber. Anyhow, whoever caught the error and let Randy know, thank you. As I say on the web site:

“If you send something that is copywritten (i.e.: Dave Barry, Steve Wright, etc.), you must include the copyright information so I can give proper credit.”

Randy also went on to explain a little something about the Kenneth Starr quote that was in last week’s Package;

“[T]he Ken Starr quote you included in #88 is forged; Ken Starr has NEVER been on “60 Minutes”; you can call them at 212-975-3247 and confirm this yourself, if you wish.”

Randy, you have too much time on your hands…

Enough with the admin stuff, on with the jokes.

Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription instructions remain intact at the end

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. “No problem,” the engineer thought, and kept going at half power.

A little while later, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.

“The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time.

“The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.”


Two computer people discussing those old stories about Bill Gates’ name adding up to 666 in ASCII:

“I hear that if you play the NT 4.0 CD backwards, you get a satanic message.”

“That’s nothing. If you play it forward, it installs NT 4.0!”


Lessons We Can All Learn from Noah’s Ark:

Plan ahead… It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.

Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

Don’t listen to critics – do what has to be done.

Build on high ground.

For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

Two heads are better than one.

Speed isn’t always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

If you can’t fight or flee – float!!

Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

Don’t forget that we’re all in the same boat.

When things get really deep, don’t sit there and complain–shovel!!!

Stay below deck during the storm.

Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.

If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

Don’t miss the boat.

No matter how bleak it looks, there’s always a rainbow on the horizon.


Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk.

“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.


At last count, Bill Gates had an estimated net worth of $59 BILLION dollars ($59,000,000,000.00). He recently donated $200 million to place computers in libraries across the country. This is 1281 of his wealth.

Here are some other things he could do:

  • Pay NBA MVP Michael Jordan’s salary for 1,967 years.
  • Give every man, woman and child on the face of the Earth about $10.50.
  • Pay every California Lottery prize for the next 47.7 years.
  • Fund 222 Mars Pathfinder missions.
  • Fund the US Department of Education for 26.7 years.
  • Fund the US presence in the Persian Gulf for 11 months.
  • Fund the US peacekeeping forces in Bosnia for 157 years.
  • Buy 327,795,988 copies of Microsoft Windows 95.
  • Buy 2,360,000,000 copies of his own book, buy more with his royalties from those sales, continuing the cycle and easily the best selling author of all time.
  • Make Hanson the most successful musicians of all time by buying 4,957,983,193 copies of “Middle of Nowhere.”
  • If he wanted to challenge George Lucas (worth only $2 billion), he could make 318 sequels to “Waterworld,” or 49166 sequels to “Sling Blade.”
  • At the median donation for spending a night in the White House, he could stay in the Lincoln Bedroom for 64,613 years. ($2500/night)
  • If he wanted to go on a killing spree in Los Angeles County, at the rate that OJ was charged, he could kill 4,720 people and pay all his attorney fees and punitive damages.
  • He could fly from Seattle to Paris and back on Air France 63,577,586 times.
  • At Denny’s, he could buy a “Grand Slam Slugger Breakfast” for 12,854,030,501 people.
  • If the people in Chine (as mentioned in the next section) preferred, he could buy 23.8 billion packages of Top Ramen noodles.
  • He must like coffee, and could buy over 7.375 billion pounds of French roast at his local Starbuck’s.
  • Speaking of a cup of coffee, he could support one of those Sally Struther’s foreign kids for 1,638,888,889 years.

Perhaps what he needs to spend money on most is a new pair of glasses and some hair conditioner.

(this piece was originally calculated based on Gates’ worth of $42B. Here are some things he could do with $42B that I couldn’t recalculate for the %49B fortune:)

  • Pay tuition for the residents of Seattle and Tacoma to go to the University of Washington for four years.
  • At the rate of 12 ounce per $27 million, he could pay Mike Tyson to eat 15 of Evander Holyfield.
  • If he wanted to go to a local baseball game, he could buy Seattle Mariners season tickets, all of them, for 411 years, and with his spare change could buy the team and the Kingdome.
  • If he couldn’t get service at Denny’s, he could buy every man, woman and child in China a Big Mac Extra Value Meal, as long as no one “Super Sizes.”


M.S. and D.O.J. Solve Y2K Problem

Redmond, WA (May 14, 1998)

In a stunning 11th hour development, Department of Justice Assistant Attorney General Joel Klein and Microsoft Corproation Chairman Bill Gates have jointly announced that Microsoft Corporation has made a deal with the Justice Department’s Anti-Trust division in which all anti-trust lawsuits, filings, investigations, preliminary actions, and injunctions against the Redmond Washington Computer giant will be dropped in exchange for Microsoft’s agreement to delay the year 2000 by one year.

Unbeknowst to most observers, Microsoft Corporation last year quietly acquired the Royal Naval Observatory in Greenwich, England from the British Government for an undisclosed amount of cash and free copies of Microsoft Office 97, and thus owns all rights to international dating conventions.

The deal worked out between Justice and Microsoft will have the effect that on December 31, 1999, instead of rolling all clocks over to 2000, the year 1999 will be repeated, to be unofficially known as 1999b. The official naming convention will “1999, OSR2.”

This will allow government agencies one more year to continue fixing their computer systems and repairing computer code that otherwise might have failed had the date rolled over to the year 2000, commonly known as the Y2K problem.

This problem could have cost the Government billions of dollars to repair and at last report was less than 30% complete. The extra time will allow the government one more year to address and repair this problem, and could amount to considerable savings as private consulting companies and Y2K specialists will have less leverage in gouging the government for last minute solutions.

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