January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #88 - Guest Moderator: Jason Trimble
Hey everybody. Sorry about not sending a Package at all last week. I was out of town and didn’t get a chance to mail the Package out so I decided just to wait until this week.
This week’s Package comes from Jason Trimble, the guest moderator who made his debut on Feb 16⁄98 in Package 59.
He didn’t write up a header, so i took the liberty of adding my two cents’ worth.
This was an interesting piece I found on the net a few days ago, I figure everyone would enjoy this:
How soon he forgets:
“Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value under the public’s ‘right to know’.” – Kenneth Starr, 1987, “Sixty Minutes” interview with Dianne Sawyer.
Yeah, Ken … sure … whatever. ;-)
Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription instructions remain intact at the end
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a restaurant. Upon arriving, he ordered a drink and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After a couple of drinks, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big, deep hole. “Wow…that looks deep.” “Sure does… toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.”
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait… no noise. “Jeeez. That is REALLY deep… here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.”
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait… and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey…over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it’s GOTTA make some noise.”
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it’s legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen, when out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
“Hey… you two guys seen my goat out here?”
“You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!”
“Nah”, says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”
SYBIL SQUARED: Patricia Burgus, 42, has won a $10.6 million settlement in a lawsuit against her psychiatrist and a hospital. Her suit alleged that when she sought treatment for depression from Dr. Bennett Braun, he used “repressed memory therapy” to convince her that she had 300 personalities, was a cannibal who made meatloaf out of her friends, had molested her children, and was the high priestess of a satanic cult.
She says she was committed to a psychiatric hospital for two years, and her two children for three years, after she was misdiagnosed as having a split personality disorder, but her own common sense prevailed. “I began to add a few things up and realized there was no way I could come from a little town in Iowa, be eating 2,000 people a year, and nobody said anything about it,” Burgus said. (AP) … On the other hand, sometimes even your best friends won’t tell you about your shortcomings.
(“The story ‘Sybil Squared’ in Package #88 is from ‘This is True’ by Randy Cassingham, http://www.thisistrue.com and was submitted to HumourList without permission.“)
THINGS THAT IRRITATE A SANE PERSON
You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
It’s bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don’t realize it till you walk across your living room rug.
The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
There’s a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading.
A station comes in brilliantly when you’re standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
There are always one or two ice cubes that won’t pop out of the tray.
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
The radio station doesn’t tell you who sang that song.
You rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don’t know how to spell it.
You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just browsing.
You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can’t find it.
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell “tequila.”
“T-e-q-u-i-l-a,” spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught.
“I just can’t find it.” she said.
“What book are you looking for, honey?” the librarian asked.
Replied the little girl, “Tequila Mockingbird.”
Tips for Writing English Good
- Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
- Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
- And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat)
- Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
- Be more or less specific.
- Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
- Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
- No sentence fragments.
- Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
- Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
- Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
- One should NEVER generalize.
- Comparisons are as bad as cliches
- Don’t use no double negatives.
- Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.,
- One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
- The passive voice is to be ignored.
- Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
- Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
- Kill all exclamation points!!!
- Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
- Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
- Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
- Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
- If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
- Puns are for children, not groan readers.
- Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
- Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
- Who needs rhetorical questions?
- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
- Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the tests back out.
This student got back his test and $64 change.
3 Biggest Software Lies: - The program’s fully tested and bugfree. - We’re working on the documentation. - Of course we can modify it.
3 Biggest Computer Room Lies: - As long as you remember to ‘SAVE’ your input, you’ll never lose any files. - We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door. - The new machine’s on order.
3 Biggest Large Company Lies: - We have an entrepreneurial spirit here. - People are our greatest resource. - We say ‘let the marketplace decide’.
3 Biggest Small Company Lies: - We have an entrepreneurial spirit here. - The boss is just one of the guys. - Staying small is a conscious decision.
3 Biggest Marketing Lies: - Immediate delivery?…No problem. - We treat every customer as if they were our most important. - We’re going out to lunch to talk business.
3 Biggest Engineering Professor’s Lies: - Some day this course will come in handy. - These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you. - This is the way they do it in industry.
3 Biggest Executive Lies: - Money…it’s just a score card. - If it were up to me, there’d be no assigned parking spaces. - You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a business trip.
3 Biggest Hardware Lies: - We always design for testability. - It worked fine on the proto board. - That would be much easier to implement in software.
Software engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room.
Systems engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room in which there is no cat.
Knowledge engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room where there is no cat and someone yells, “I got it!”
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