January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #87
Howdy folks. This week’s Package has got some pretty good pieces in it. Work has been a little bit busy lately, so forgive me if some of the jokes aren’t up to my usual quality.
Have you ever seen something that looked like it was plucked right out of history? I was driving down the 417 the other day, and saw a pale yellow Volkswagen Van in front of me. Looked like your typical ‘hippie’ van, right from the 60’s. Had appropriate amounts of rust, bumper stickers that said ‘Question Authority’, ‘Appreciate Diversity’ and ‘Kill Your TV’.
As I started driving by, I noticed curtains in the back window… Through the curtains I caught a glimpse of the female riding in the passenger seat … hair pulled back into a low ponytail like the typical hippie sorta style.
Getting closer to the front of the van, I noticed the driver – a young man with short black hair, a chin goatee, wearing a tie-dye shirt.
Everything was RIGHT out of the 60’s, man, except … for the CELL PHONE the driver was talking on while trying to drive. Seemed a little odd that they’d ruin their own image like that.
Anyhow, thought I’d share it. Enjoy the Package. Next week’s Package will be coming out a bit later (Sunday) and will be featuring a couple from Iowa who have been Email penpals with me for … gosh, 3 or 4 years I guess. Paul and Claudia Smith have whipped up some great pieces.
And just to give me a relaxing break, Jason Trimble makes a return visit to guest moderate the week after that. Thanks for helping out folks!
Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription instructions remain intact at the end
TWO DIGITS FOR A DATE (Sung to the tune of “Gilligan’s Island,” more or less)
Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, of the doom that is our fate. That started when programmers used two digits for a date. Two digits for a date.
Main memory was smaller then; Hard disks were smaller, too. “Four digits are extravagant, So let’s get by with two. So let’s get by with two.”
“This works through 1999,” The programmers did say. “Unless we rewrite before then It all will go away. It all will go away.”
But Management had not a clue: “It works fine now, you bet! A rewrite is a straight expense; We won’t do it yet. We won’t do it yet.”
Now when 2000 rolls around It all goes straight to hell, For zero’s less than ninety-nine, As anyone can tell. As anyone can tell.
The mail won’t bring your pension check It won’t be sent to you When you’re no longer sixty-eight, But minus thirty-two. But minus thirty-two.
The problems we’re about to face Are frightening, for sure. And reading every line of code’s The only certain cure. The only certain cure.
[key change, big finish]
There’s too little time, There’s too much code. (And COBOL-coders, few) When the century is finished with, We may be finished, too. We may be finished, too.
Eight thousand years from now, I hope Things won’t be left too late, And people aren’t then lamenting Four digits for a date. Four digits for a date.
Hey, lil’ buddy! Wait for me!!!
There once was a computer consultant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for, she believed in knowledge transfer and never kept information from others. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a consultant make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in.” said the consultant. “Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders.” sait St. Peter. “What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose which one you want to spend eternity in.”
“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind…I prefer to stay in Heaven.” “Sorry, we have rules…”
And with that St. Peter put the consultant in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the consultant found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow consultants that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice bloke (kind-of-cute) and she had a great time telling bawdy jokes and dancing. The consultant was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven.”
So the consultant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
“So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity.”
The consultant paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.” So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the consultant went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stammered the consultant, “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her and smiled. “That’s because yesterday you were a consultant. Today, you’re a permanent.”
This, by FAR, is the best ‘flame’ I’ve ever seen anyone post in a newsgroup towards someone else. It’s HUGE, so I decided to make it a web page on the HumourList site.
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to “love, honor and obey” and “forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,” I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely bride that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.”
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.”
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back: “She made me a much better offer.”
My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.”
Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, “You’re cute.”
“What happened to ‘beautiful’?” I asked him.
“The drugs are wearing off,” he replied.
There was this guy is in a bar, just staring at his drink.
He sat like that for half-an-hour or so when this big burly troublemaker of a truck driver comes in, sits next to him, and downs the contents of the glass the guy was staring at. The poor man started crying. The truck driver said, “C’mon man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a grown man cry.”
“No, that’s not it”, says the guy. “This has been the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and got to work late. My boss was outraged and he fired me. When I left the building to get my car, I found it was stolen and the police said they can do nothing about it. I called a cab to go home and then remembered that I left my wallet and credit cards at the house so the cab driver took off without me. I walked six miles home and when I got there, I found my wife in bed with the mailman. I grabbed my wallet and came to this bar and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison…”
The Top Ten Signs Your Co-worker Is a Computer Hacker.
10: You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.
9: He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years in a row.
8: When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7: Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6: Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5: Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net”.
4: Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3: His video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.
2: For his welcome voice on AOL, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President”.
1: You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa now, Professor I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”
Work Memos about Casual Day
Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.
Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not apporiate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday’s wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Memo No. 5: As an out growth on Friday’s seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of “Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Comapny Standards” has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter “You Are What You Wear,” consult the “home casual” versus “business casual” checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7am on Friday.
Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been dicontinued, effective immediately.
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