January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #86
Hey all. Thanks for the comments on my latest admin message. Some people missed me, some didn’t.
The second piece (5 Stages of Drunkenness) is hilarious and reminds me why I don’t drink.
The last piece is a great rework of Shakespeare’s Hamlet – redone to include the Clinton administration. Very funny if you like reading Shakespeare.
Anyone interested in being a Guest Moderator for the weekend of the 19th this month?
Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription instructions remain intact at the end
This is a purportedly true exchange that even Monty Python would be proud of. Here’s the background:
Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus of UNH. (The University of New Hampshire, for those not from the East Coast of the U.S.) Vinnie is his boss and the owner of the truck, and yes, according to Ian, this actually happened.
Ian is telling the story.
Her: Yes, I’d like a milk with some coffee in it.
Me: So, that’s just a splash of coffee in a milk?
Her: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.
Me: Is there more milk or coffee?
Her: Oh, definitely more coffee.
Me: So that’s a coffee with some extra milk.
Her: Just the usual amount of milk.
Me: A coffee with milk.
Me: Anything else?
Her: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine?
Me: We do have decaf.
Her: No, I don’t want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine.
Me: Ma’am, that’s what decaf means, no caffeine.
Her: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?
Me: Milk doesn’t come with caffeine.
Her: Yes it does.
Me: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?
Her: It doesn’t say caffeine free on the milk so it must have caffeine.
Me: Oh, you’re right, my mistake, I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else?
Her: Do you have any bagels?
Vinnie (who has been listening all along): I’m sorry, ma’am, we’re all out of decaf bagels.
Her: Well, what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels)
Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.
Her: I guess I’ll just have the coffee. Do you take credit cards?
Me: No ma’am, cash only.
Her: What about visa?
He: Is that a credit card?
Her: Well, yes.
Vinnie: Is it cash?
Vinnie: Then no, we can’t take it.
Her: What about checks?
Me: Cash ma’am, nothing else.
Her: How much is that?
Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents.
Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that’s hard to find now, had to grow it myself.
Her: OK (proceeds to write a check)
Vinnie: Please leave.
Vinnie: You’re raising my blood pressure, leave now.
Her: But what about my coffee?
Vinnie: Leave and never return.
She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first. Seriously.
5 stages of drunkenness
Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cause you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because by now you are also the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and heck, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.
My shrink says, “Set limits, learn to say no, take time for yourself.”
My boss says, “Mandatory overtime!”
I pay my shrink a hundred bucks and hour. My boss pays me 25 bucks an hour… I work overtime so I can pay the shrink.
Someday, somehow, this will all make sense…
A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the outer office of the President of Harvard University.
The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn’t even deserve to be in Cambridge. She frowned. “We want to see the president,” the man said softly. “He’ll be busy all day,” the secretary snapped. “We’ll wait,” the lady replied.
For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn’t. And the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted to do. “Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they’ll leave,” she told him. And he signed in exasperation and nodded.
Someone of his importance obviously didn’t have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple.
The lady told him, “We had a son that attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. And my husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus.” The president wasn’t touched; he was shocked.
“Madam,” he said gruffly, “We can’t put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery.”
“Oh, no,” the lady explained quickly, “We don’t want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard.
The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, “A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard.” For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. He could get rid of them now.
The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, “Is that all it costs to start a University? Why don’t we just start our own?” Her husband nodded.
The president’s face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.
And Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California, where they established the University that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.
One March day my wife said that the house needed painting. “It’s still winter,” I replied. “Forget it.”
In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint.
In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer. As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbor passed by.
“Aren’t you ashamed?” she asked. “How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the house?”
Glancing up at my wife, I responded, “She doesn’t like beer.”
The Top 11 Reasons You’re Having Trouble Finding a Job (adapted from the Top 13 Reasons… from Top Five)
You list “smokin’ weed” as a hobby on the job application.
Instead of shaking hands, you ask them to “pull your finger.”
All your answers are whispered into your ear by your sock puppet, “Socky.”
In your zealousness to pad your resume, you claim 10 years of Java and 15 years of HTML.
After your interview tantrums, so-called “Equal Opportunity Employers” don’t seem to be buying your “Tourette’s Syndrome” excuse.
“Slashed co-workers with a broken coffee mug” doesn’t look as impressive on your resume as you thought it would.
Even though Yanni sells all those records, there’s no job market for “masters of the pan flute.”
Small-minded employers find “alien abductions” unacceptable explanation for gaps in work history.
Too much time during your interview spent discussing your jihad, not enough on how you would perform as the new personnel counselor.
You show up at each interview wearing an aluminum foil suit “just in case of enemy attack.”
and Top5’s Number 1 Reason You’re Having Trouble Finding a Job…
- Still busy looking for the real killers.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List email@example.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] [ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
THE TRAGIC COMEDIE OF KING LEER
Scene 1. A forest glen. Enter Witch Tripp and Kenneth of Starr.
Witch Tripp: Double, double, Webster Hubbell, I think I got the Creep in trouble. Eye of Newt, strap of bra, Could it be he broke some law? Praise this broth utmost ephemeral, Heavens! I left out my Essence of Emeril! Hark! Who trespasses so near?
Kenneth of Starr: ‘Tis I, the Inquisitor. What news?
Witch Tripp: Things proceed with quickening speed, m’lord. The maiden Lewinsky, so deeply embroil’d, is now join’d by the Lady Willey in like pursuit. Daily tightens the noose around the king.
Starr: Would that it were so, but he hath good counsel, and more moves than a chess board. His public, well pleas’d with good news of the economie, doth o’erlook much.
Witch Tripp: How may I serve you next?
Starr: I have need of acts damnable and facts verifiable. Else he may elude me yet.
Witch Tripp: His dog Buddy, freshly neuter’d, may bear his master harsh reproach. He may consent to wearing a collar of our invention, to survey the king at his ease. Dogs are much accustom’d to insects. What’s one more bug?
Starr: Good hag, I rely on you completely. I must away.
(Exeunt Tripp and Starr)
Scene 2. The king’s antechamber
Duke of McCurry: My Lord! I needs must speak with you most urgently! The castle is assaulted on all sides!
Leer: What would I not give for an hour’s peace!
McCurry: An army of reporters is settled at thy gate. They are press in name and press in deed, for they press me daily, nay, hourly for some explanation from thy lips.
Leer: Who is there among them?
McCurry: Lords Jennings, Brokaw, Rather, Geraldo of Rivera and a host of others. Methinks I spied the van from Hard Copy.
Leer: You cut me to the quick. Do they not know that I am chaste?
McCurry: They insinuate that thou hast chased too often.
Leer: Never have lies been so artfully stack’d against a pure soul. Where is Lady Hillary?
McCurry: Her secretary doth report that she is lock’d in her bath, saying over and over, “Why can I not wash my hands of this guy?”
Leer: Oh cursed fate! I must be the most solitary mortal in all creation. Never have I betrayed m’lady’s trust.
Messenger: Good king, steel thy nerve. I bring a missive from Kenneth of Starr, the Grand Inquisitor.
Leer: Was ever a man as Starr-cross’d as I? Why does this man conspire to afflict me thus? My hand is unsteady. Read it to me.
Messenger: Let me see. He offers you his regards, blah, blah, blah, then doth subpoena you to appear at his chamber at Friday next, to forswear again that thou tookst no liberties with the Jones wench, who withdraweth not her claims against you.
Leer: I have already so sworn!
McCurry: It would seem, m’lord, that the woeful tale of Lady Willey rekindles old flames.
Leer: I kiss’d the woman on the forehead, as a sign of my regard. Never was a king so expos’d!
McCurry: Truer words were ne’er spoken.
Leer: I cannot think on’t further. Leave me to my own counsel.
(Exeunt Messenger and McCurry)
Leer: To be forthright, or not to be forthright, that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or just bag the whole thing and teach law at a junior college.
Courtier: My liege, you are late for an appointed meeting.
Leer: What’s this?
Courtier: You were to interview a new assistant at the stroke of two. She seems most capable, and with rare intellect for one so young and fair.
Leer: Well, tell her I will see her anon, and on, and on.
Courtier: A most clever jest, my king.
Leer: Let us not tarry further.
(Exeunt Leer and courtier. Enter Buddy, from behind a chair)
Buddy: So dearest reader, I bid adieu. Me seeth I have much to do. And so it comes to this pretty pass To see if the king doth get some ….
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