January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #84
Life is crazy right now, to the point where I may have to arrange for my parents to go pick up my puppy next weekend ‘cause I could be away on a business trip. I find out for sure on Monday.
If I do go, I will notify all of you before I leave, and roughly how long I will be gone. Chances are, I will miss sending out one or two HumourList Packages.
For anyone that has visited the web site lately, you’ll notice my message on there about switching to another web server. I’m pretty confident that all of the kinks are worked out … the backissue request page and the guestbook will not be working for a little while yet. I do appreciate your patience.
Anyhow, on with the humour:
This Package has got some really great pieces in it… hope you enjoy them. For once it was fairly easy to make up a quick Package – quite a few really good jokes came in this past week.
Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription instructions remain intact at the end
There was a guy walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when “poof!” a genie appeared.
This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.
“I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, all the time,” says the guy.
The genie wasn’t sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.
“Okay,” the genie said, “You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What’s your second wish?”
“Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on-board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile.”
“That’s easy,” says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.
The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl? Naahh…with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind.
“Genie,” the guy said, “I can’t think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later?”
“Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can’t escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you’re ready,” and “whoosh!” the genie disappears into the lamp.
The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so-valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.
After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.
“Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mey…”
All this talk lately about what to call Clinton’s latest escapade. Tail-gate, forni-gate, Monica-gate, … not to mention all the other scandals he’s been accused of participating in.
Perhaps it’s time to just lump them all together as a set – the “Bill-gates”.
No, wait, that could be confusing. After all, the president is accused of using his power and prestige to screw lots of people where as the head of Microsoft is being accused of…um…Oh never mind.
A lady is walking down the street to work and see’s a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, “hey lady, you are really ugly.”
Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, “hey lady, you are really ugly.”
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, “hey lady, you are really ugly.”
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager appologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn’t say it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, “hey lady.”
She paused and said,” yes?”
The bird said, “you know…”
A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.
Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, “What’s wrong?”
The reply came, “I can’t get this mower started. Do you know how?”
The kid said, “Yep.”
“Well, how do you do it? Tell me!”, the preacher asked.
The kid replied, “You have to cuss it.”
The preacher rose up indignantly. “Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss–not saying I have, mind you–I’ve forgotten how to do it after all these years.”
With a look on his face wise beyond his years, the kid said, “Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it’ll all come back to ya.”
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:
“I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said:
“I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”
A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald’s actually does serve beer.)
The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: “They don’t serve BEER here, you MORON!”
The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New York with a surprized look, and begins to chuckle.
“And what’s so funny?!?” the New Yorker demands.
“Oh, nothing really … I just realized that you came here for the FOOD!”
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