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January 1, 0001


HumourList Package #83

Hi everyone.

Been another busy weekend, so this header will be kinda short.

I’m looking for new ideas for contests. If anyone has some unique thoughts, let me know.


Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription instructions remain intact at the end


Hamlet’s Cat Soliloquy by Shakespeare’s Cat

To go out side, and there perchance to stay Or to remain within: that is the question: Whether ‘tis better for a cat to suffer The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather That Nature rains on those who roam abroad, Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet And so by dozing melt the solid hours That clog the clock’s bright gears with sullen time And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state A wish to venture forth without delay, Then when the portal’s opened up, to stand As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep; To choose not knowing when we may once more Our remittance gain: aye, there’s the hairball; For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob, Or work a lock or slip a window-catch, And going out and coming in were made As simple as the breaking of the bowl, What cat would bear the household’s petty plagues, The cook’s well-practiced kicks, the butler’s broom, The infant’s careless pokes, the tickled ears, The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks That fur is heir to, when, of his own will, He might his exodus or entrance make With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear, Or strays trespassing from a neighbor’s yard, But that the dread of our unheeded cries And scratches at a barricaded door No claw can open up, dispels our nerve And makes us rather bear our humans’ faults Than run away to unguessed miseries? Thus caution doth make house cats of us all; And thus the bristling hair of resolution Is softened up with the pale brush of thought, And since our choices hinge on weighty things, We pause upon the threshold of decision.

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NEW TWIST ON A CLASSIC:

In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian.

In Computer Heaven: The management is from Intel, The design and construction is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell: The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price.

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On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said:

“Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.”

God continued, “I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.”

“But Lord,” asked Gabriel “don’t you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?”

“Not really,” replied God “just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them.”

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KINDA PUTS THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE, HUH?

“One World, One Web, One Program” - Microsoft Promotional Ad

“Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer” - Adolf Hitler

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THINGS TO THINK ABOUT LANGUAGE

Did you know that “verb” is a noun?

How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can’t spell them?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren’t two houses hice?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

If you’ve read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn’t this also mean that you would have to “member” somebody in order to remember them?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Is there another word for a synonym?

Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?

What is another word for “thesaurus”?

Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in “anagram”?

Why do we say something’s out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?

Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that the word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?

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(wasn’t sure if this one was too tasteless or not, but it is kinda funny)

STAFF CUTS – PLEASE READ CAREFULLY

As our Company has to make drastic cuts in spending, volunteers are needed to commit suicide. This will substantially reduce our salary bill.

Employees wishing to participate in this scheme are asked to assemble on the roof of the offices on alternate Fridays, commencing Friday 4 December, thus avoiding the Christmas rush.

Participants will be marked on the difficulty of their dive and the highest scorer will receive greatly enhanced Death In Service benefits. This action, in view of its voluntary nature, will not affect your Pension rights.

However, participating staff are asked to avoid landing on Company Cars as this will cost more money than is saved, which would be counter productive and could cause injury to non-particpating spectators. Non-participants are therefore asked to be vigilant and to keep glancing skywards on these days of action.

It would also be appreciated if non-participants would give every assistance to the Service Department in clearing up after the event. Bodies will be disposed of in waste skips in the car park and staff are therefore asked to ensure they keep moving on these days to avoid being inadvertently mistaken for successful participants.

Any staff participating will be allowed to change his/her mind until reaching the top floor, after which it will be impossible for the attending Health and Safety Officer to get into a “Catching Positions.”

The Company hopes to obtain a set reduction in staff through this scheme and must therefore be considered one of our most worthwhile projects to date. Should the scheme be over-subscribed, a waiting list will be introduced.

To assist the Services Department, it would be appreciated if all participants could take with them onto the roof a large black plastic bag (available from the Post room). If they could climb into the bag just prior to the jump, this will certainly ease congestion at ground level.

It is important that the projected jumps are shown on your departments staff planning charts so that work can be redistributed to you colleagues to cause minimum disruption to the company. Any participant choosing to jump outside normal working hours will not be paid overtime.

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