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January 1, 0001


HumourList Package #82

Hello everybody…

For the curious among you, Shane Johnson of New Zealand won the NAME THE DOG contest. “Staghorn’s Little Mystery (Shadow)” was voted as the most popular name. Thanks to everyone who voted.

Just got home from the most casual wedding reception in the world. I mean hey, when we’re all dressed in shorts and t-shirts and people are getting tossed in a swimming pool …

It was loads of fun.

Ray (the groom) has been a subscriber for quite some time. I had the honour of playing the piano at the ceremony, which, for the record, was probably the shortest wedding I’d ever been at. It was beautiful though.

Ray just needs to remember the top five things that he’ll get to say to Kelly from now on:

  1. “Yes, dear.”
  2. “You’re right, dear.”
  3. “It is my fault, dear.”
  4. “I’m sorry, dear.”
  5. “Here’s my paycheque, dear.”

Anyhow … congrats to Kelly and Ray on this new adventure.

For the rest of you: your weekly dose of humour…


Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription instructions remain intact at the end


A CLASSIC:

Three guys go down to a Latin American country one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They find that they are to be executed for their crimes but none can remember what they’ve done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, “I am from the Baylor School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They figure God must not want this guy to die, so they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words: “I am from the UCLA School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy’s side, so they better let him go, too.

The last one is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m a University of Southern California Electrical Engineer, and I can tell you right now that you’ll never electrocute anybody if you don’t connect those two wires.”

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From the west coast of Canada, a story from Scott:

The following is a true story:

After our first dog died the family went through pet withdrawal of a sort. We missed “Pixie” who had been a faithful family pet for over 12 years. She was sorely missed.

A year after Pixie died, a stray dog came into our possession. We canvassed the neighborhood for its owner for over two weeks to no avail. My parents were talking themselves into a new addition to the family but weren’t too sure that this was the “right” move.

I argued that it would be better for the dog to go to a home where it would be appreciated, possibly by younger children and not the teenagers that we now all were. Who had time to care for dogs when thoughts turned to girls, boys and starting that first job?

Unconvinced my parents took the dog with us to the lake that summer. In the interim I took to calling the dog, “Taxi”. This was done partly in jest and partly to see if the name stuck.

The name stuck.

The fun came when the dog ran down the crowded beach and would not return. My mother experienced a profoundly self-conscious moment when she realized every head in her vicinity was turned toward her as she called out for her dog to return. I can still hear her as she yelled, “Taxi! Taxi!”

We returned from the lake and the bond that had been forming had been snipped by an embarrassing moment. My mother found a good home for a happy little dog and we never spoke of her again…

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A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:

“I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00.

If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”

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[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] [ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]

             July 30, 1998

    The Top 12 Ways Life Would be
  Different If There Were No Vowels

12) Wht knd f stpd tpc s ths?

11) “Nothing before nothing except after c? Sure, Teach. Whatever.”

10) Cartoon strip characters limited to sleeping and swearing.

9) Sudden inability to pick out the Czech hockey players in the NHL.

8) Alex Trebek: still wealthy and famous. Pat and Vanna: living in a van down by the river and fighting tooth and Press-on Nail over dwindling supply of food.

7) As the price of Sesame Street stock plummets, Bert and Ernie are laid off.

6) Y, during interrogation, denies any ever working for the deposed junta.

5) 19% less time on the crapper.

4) The Thomas Brothers’ Map regional offices in Honolulu do some serious downsizing.

3) Now, 51 ways to leave your lover! Latest addition: “Sorry babe, but U and I are history.”

2) Old MacDonald awakens to an eerie silence.

and Top5’s Number 1 Way Life Would be Different If There Were No Vowels…

1) President Clinton breathes a sigh of relief, since he never said he didn’t have sex with Mnc Lwnsk.

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Seen in the Classifieds:

“FREE PUPPIES…PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG”

“TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT’S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800”

“TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700”

“FREE PUPPIES: 12 COCKER SPANIEL - 12 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG”

“CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER”

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