January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #79 - Dog Humour
ALRIGHT! I admit it … I’m addicted.
I met my puppy for the first time today. He chewed on my finger. He slept in my arms. He wiped his dirty butt on my shirt. You know, cute puppy stuff. He’s got more skin than body right now – he looks more like a Shar-Pei than a Labrador Retriever but he’s so cute…
I should have photos up this week on the contest page.
I’m up to almost 60 entries now for the contest. I’ll post the rest of the names this week as well.
For anyone new to HumourList, there’s a ‘name the dog’ contest going on. You can win a gift certificate at the online shopping store of your choice if your entry is picked as the winning name for my dog. Details at the following web site:
A few of the rules have changed: - subscribers are allowed to submit more than one entry now - the registration name has to START with ‘Staghorn’ (kennel name) and can’t be any longer than 30 characters. - each of the three judges will choose their top three choices (in descending order) and then a ‘last minute vote’ will be in order to help pick the winning name. - in the event that a name I have submitted myself wins the vote (no-one will know until after the vote), I will award the prize to the runner-up.
Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription instructions remain intact at the end
Rules we WISH the dog would live by:
I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it.
I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
The computer’s mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not eat other animals’ poop.
I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop.
I will not roll my head around in other animals’ poop.
“Kitty box crunchies” are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, ‘specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad’s laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and car registration.
I will not play tug-o’-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
Excerpts from the Dog Dictionary:
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog’s rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dogs’s response to the command “sit!”, especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn’t get the attention you require…..especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog.”
“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
“Oh, he died,” the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”
“Well, the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”
“Oh? What was it then?”
“I think it was the rinse cycle!”
(oh come on … it’s a joke…)
HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB
ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?
DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of light bulb and find a more efficient form of lighting – perhaps a fluorescent bulb.
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: One, but just “try” to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, but the job never gets done – they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it’s supposed to be done!
BULLDOG: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it.
POMERANIANS don’t change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they’re out.
PUG: Er, two. Or maybe one. No – on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
AFGHAN: Light bulb What light bulb
CAT: I don’t waste my time with these childish jokes.
SHIBA-INU: Zero! Shiba’s aren’t afraid of the dark!
SCHIPPERKE: It’s your light bulb – change it yourself. Unless….. is there food involved??
POODLE: Sorry, Just had my nails done
BEAGLE: How many cookies do I get?
WEIMARANER: Light bulb? You want ME to change a LIGHT BULB
LAB: Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep.
BASENJI: LIGHT BULB We don’t change no steenking light bulbs
MALAMUTE: Let him do it, you can pet me while he’s busy.
BOXER: If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off the chair………
AMERICAN BULLDOG: One. JUMP, remove bulb , land. JUMP, replace bulb, land. Two: What light bulb So? We can play in the dark.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “I’ll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first can’t we play catch with the tennis ball, or Frisbee – and then I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you with my sad eyes. What, you’re changing the light bulb yourself – you didn’t have to do that – but I looooove you so much for being my friend and doing that.”
DALMATIAN: Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb.
ROTTWEILER: I’ll change the light bulb if I can eat the old one.
CORGI: I cant reach the stupid lamp!
SPRINGER: Light bulb Light bulb That thing I just ate was a light bulb
STANDARD POODLE: None. Go get human, sit under it, look up and point it out – then go lie down in disgust that it took so long.
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And he’ll rewire the house while he’s at it.
WOLFDOG: Let me see that light bulb, anyway. What’s it made of, what’s inside of it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change it, but let me think about it. You’re not trying to tell me what to do, are you? Hey, I just had a great idea. I think I’ll change that light bulb!
GERMAN SHEPHERD: “I’m kinda busy right now! I have to chase the cat, protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap. I’ll add the light bulb to my “To Do” list….”
DACHSHUND: Well, first get me a ladder and a treat…… no, you took too long. I want TWO treats and I’ll do it……… No, not that treat, the other kind. Geez………. do I have to do everything? (of course, followed by “the look”.)
IRISH SETTER: It only takes one, but it will put in a really dim bulb.
PIT BULL TERRIER: Jump and take hold of old light bulb. Now, let go of old light bulb………. I said LET GO OF LIGHT BULB. Please???? Let go of the light bulb??????
GOOD OL’ SOUTHERN HOUND DOG: HUH????
A FATHER’S DAY POEM FROM THE DOG
You feed me when I’m hungry, You keep water in my dish, You let me sleep on anything, Or in any place I wish.
You sometimes let me lick your hands, Or even lick your face, Despite the fact I’ve licked mySELF, In every private place.
You taught me how to come when called, You taught me how to sit, You always let me go outside, So I can take a sh….. stroll.
You’ll always have my loyalty, Up to the bitter end, ‘Cause after all, it’s plain to see….. You are a dog’s best friend!
From an American Greetings Card
WAYS THE US WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF THE NEXT PRESIDENT WERE A DOG Broadcast of Late Show with David Letterman
Doggy door on oval office
At press conferences, instead of “Mr. President,” reporters would shout, “Here fella!”
Good-bye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal
Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant
U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy
Public Enemy # 1 – Bob Barker
Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon
Country really run by dog’s smarter poodle wife
Here’s your new national anthem: (videotape of dog barking x-mas jingle)
One word: sausage-gate
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