January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #78 - Camping
Well, camping was fun, even if it WAS for only one night. I guess Ken got too freaked out with me playing with all the matches, I dunno.
Food was great though. But then again, campfire food ALWAYS tastes better than the portable BBQ. Nothing like smoke and ash and bugs to add to the taste of the food.
And, as always, Coca-Cola was on-hand to satisfy the thirst.
Johanne (from work) had this conversation with me this afternoon:
J: Did you take lots of beer at the campground? Me: Nope, not a drop. I don’t drink. J: Bummer. Me: We took a lot of Coke. J: AH! That must have been fun… Me: The kind you DRINK… J: Help me out here…
I decided that having the puppy with me when camping would be VERY fun. Ken kept muttering something about the puppy being a babe-magnet but I have NO idea what he was talking about. Heheh.
This Package is full of camping jokes. The first piece is a list of advice tidbits I wish I had known before going camping. I guess I’ll know for next time, huh?
To anyone going camping this weekend, have a great time. (If you’re reading this AFTER the weekend, hope you HAD a great time).
Regarding the ‘Name the Dog’ contest: keep the entries rolling in. Some of them are GREAT. One question I’ve had is when the contest closes. Since there is a choice of which colour (yellow or black) I will end up with, and the breeder isn’t sure if she’s going to keep one of the yellow Labs, it’s kind of hard to say. The contest will DEFINITELY be over by August 22nd, but could end August 1st. Thanks to everyone who has already sent in an entry. Once I know which colour I will be getting for sure, I will Email everyone who sent in an entry for the other colour letting them know they are allowed to enter a name for the final colour.
For anyone that doesn’t have a CLUE what I’m talking about, check out the new contest page:
Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription instructions remain intact at the end
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
When smoking a fish, never inhale.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
You’ll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted number.
The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.
Steer clear of parks named for landfills.
Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.
While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
Modern rain suits made of fabrics that “breathe” enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup. Sorry ladies.
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
A large carp can be used for a pillow.
Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be warn camping. Buy only those that read “Beat on a rock in stream.”
The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
Effective January 1, 1998, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.
Classic: CAMPING ALERT
In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement:
In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. The bells tend not to warn away Grizzly Bears, so tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears.
One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.
The loaded station wagon pulled into the only remaining campsite. Four youngsters leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up a tent. Then they rushed off to gather firewood and set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngster’s father: “That sir, is some display of teamwork.”
“We have a system,” the father replied. “No one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up.”
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated
Wash. Biol. Surv.
until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.”
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
Three cowboys were sitting around a campfire when suddenly the first cowboy said, “One plus one equals two.”
The second cowboy jumped to his feet, drew his gun and shot the first one.
The third cowboy stammered, “Why did you do that??”
The killer sadly replied, “He knew too much!”
Dear Mom & Dad:
We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightening. Scoutmster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn’t burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance on it. We think it’s a neat car. He doens’t care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
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