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January 1, 0001


HumourList package #77 - Misc Jokes

Hey all. Anyone interested in being a guest moderator should let me know. The next few weeks are going to be too stressful for me as it is, so any help will be appreciated.

Duties include getting a collection of about 20k worth of jokes together and Emailing it to me.

Enjoy!


Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription instructions remain intact at the end


Little lessons in life…

At a recent Sacramento PC User’s Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, “Format,C-Colon, Return.”

Someone else chimed in: “Yes, Return”

Unfortunately for the representative, the software worked.

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Top 15 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

  1. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

  2. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.”

  3. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”

  4. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

  5. “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”

  6. “I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance”

  7. “Actually doing a ‘Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan’ (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

  8. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?”

  9. “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

  10. “The coffee machine is broken….”

  11. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”

  12. “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”

  13. “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”

  14. “Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.”

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

  1. “Amen.”

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Now here’s a pretty doggone surprising bit of news. If you have a stressful situation coming up, such as having to make a speech, take an exam or have an operation, you’re better off looking to the family dog than your husband to calm your nerves.

The study on which this finding is based, by Dr. Karen Allen at the University of Buffalo’s school of medicine, won “ best research” award at the American Psychosomatic Society’s recent meeting.

Dr. Allen put her test subjects through stressful situations both alone and with the companionship of their pet dog or their spouse. Spouses provided the least benefit, and the family dog provided the most.

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GOOSEBERRIES, RHUBARB AND PUCKERED FACES by Bill Hall, Lewiston, Idaho Tribune, June 10, 1998

Rhubarb is the zucchini of fruit.

You know about zucchini, of course. It is a vegetable that gets by with virtually no flavor of its own. It’s a texture thing. It puts the crunch in your lunch without adding bulk to your hulk.

Oh, I have had people with hyperactive imaginations try to tell me they like the “taste” of zucchini. I know what they mean. There is a minor little pleasantness in that vegetable, almost entirely in the skin. That’s why the smallest zucchini are the best – a high ratio of skin to bulk. But flavor is an exaggeration, almost a socially irresponsible fabrication. Zucchini flavor is to vegetables what those diluted fruit juice flavors in bottled mineral waters are to soda pop. That stuff has all the flavor of watered coffee.

The only relevant use of the word “flavor” when talking about zucchini (or tofu) depends on what the zucchini is associated with – how much garlic and olive oil it has been rolled in, how much pork juice and broccoli it is cooked with, how much seasoned egg and flour it is dipped in before being deep-fried in hog fat.

Rhubarb isn’t quite that bland on its own. Rhubarb does have some flavor, most of which it should get rid of. Rhubarb creates two sensations in the mouth – a slightly friendly little rhubarb flavor and a repulsive sourness that is intolerable without mounds of sugar.

But rhubarb, like zucchini and tofu, finds its place in the company of other flavors, the way a bass drum finds its place with other instruments. The bass drum is not a solo instrument (except perhaps to the sort of people who tell you they like the flavor of rhubarb).

Rhubarb harmonizes with other things – strawberries, for instance. Strawberry flavor will infest rhubarb and, like a countess hanging out with a clod, class it up a little. And like a clod humbling a countess, the rhubarb will tone down the acid in strawberries. You are half as likely to end up with hives on your belly if you mix rhubarb into your strawberries.

But in truth, rhubarb might not be cultivated at all except for a habit from former times in colder climes of preferring rhubarb to no fruit at all. My parents, for instance, grew up in North Dakota where there wasn’t a lot of actual fruit around. And of course, rhubarb isn’t fruit. It is mock fruit.

It’s a stalk actually, a big rigid thing that holds up a leaf, usually a large leaf. We grow rhubarb at our house as a waist-high ornamental in among the dogwoods, the azaleas, the rhododendrons and the dandelions. Out of respect for my parents, we don’t actually eat something like that.

But treating rhubarb as a fruit and making pie out of it is about like treating celery as a fruit. It’s bizarre on the face of it.

Eating rhubarb in a valley filled with real fruit would be like eating gruel when mashed potatoes and gravy are available.

Actually, my parents ate one other “fruit” while growing up in North Dakota – gooseberries. God invented gooseberries for people who find rhubarb too sweet. Gooseberries, if you haven’t had the pleasure, are hard little balls of puckery acid about the texture and appearance of a skinned badger eyeball.

As children, we used to go into the yard of a North Dakota refugee and have toughness contests that involved seeing which kid could eat more gooseberries straight off the bush, uncooked and without sugar. It was a stupid, cruel kid thing that created life-long heartache. Some of those kids were left permanently puckered.

There is a reason rhubarb and goose berries are so sour. They are plants that thrive in places where it never gets warm enough to ripen anything or to build any sugar in a plant. But rhubarb and goose berries are about the best people can do for fruit in cold climates. That’s why people from the Midwest look so grumpy all the time. Deep down, people from the Midwest are at least as pleasant as smiling people elsewhere. It’s just that all that rhubarb and gooseberry pie has left them with a scrunched up little mouth through which no smile can escape.

However, midwesterners do not generally grow zucchini because zucchini is not a cold-hardy plant. And the Midwest isn’t reliably frost free, except for the week of Aug. 14-20.

Of course, it should be plain why Midwesterners don’t eat tofu.

After eating rhubarb and gooseberries, they figure they have suffered enough.

Lewiston Tribune

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My mother made some purchases in a mall store while my father waited for her in the hallway. When she finished her shopping, she suggested that my dad could break his diet this once with a treat at the ice-cream shop a few doors down.

Mom was about to place an order at the counter when the clerk spotted my father. “Oh,” she said, “you’re back!”

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A woman was in a dentist’s chair. The dentist said, “I’m going to have to remove that molar.”

The woman moaned, “Ohhh… I’d rather have a baby!”

The dentist said, “Make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair.”

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TOP TEN THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR A DAD SAY

  1. Well, how ‘bout that?… I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.

  2. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?

  3. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude. …I like that.

  4. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car – GO CRAZY.

  5. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

  6. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.

  7. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies – you know – that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

  8. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring – now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.

  9. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

  10. Father’s Day? aahh – don’t worry about that – it’s no big deal.

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My poor wife was sick in bed with the flu this past January. And me being the dutiful lil’ husband I am, offered to fix her some of her favorite herbal tea. I couldn’t find the damn tea though and yelled upstairs asking where the hell it was.

She said, “I don’t know how it could be any easier to see. It’s in the pantry, third shelf down, in a cocoa tin marked ‘matches’.”

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“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

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