January 1, 0001
HumourList package #75 - Misc Jokes
Hey all. Sorry this is late, I was pretty busy yesterday running around the countryside talking to breeders about getting a puppy.
Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription instructions remain intact at the end
“A billion hours ago, human life appeared on earth. A billion minutes ago, Christianity emerged. A billion Coca-Colas ago was yesterday morning.” – 1996 Coca-Cola Company Annual Report
Tokyo commuter Katsuo Katugoru caused havoc on a crowded tube train when his inflatable underpants unexpectedly went off.
The rubber underwear was made by Katsuo himself, and designed to inflate to 30 times their original size in the event of a tidal wave. “I am terrified of water, and death by drowning is my greatest fear,” said Katsuo, 48. “Unfortunately I set them off accidently while looking for a boiled sweet on a rush hour train.
“They were crushing everybody in the carriage until a passenger stabbed them with a pencil.”
Stupid People Stories
Trying to keep warm in freezing weather, a 50 year old Cypriot huddled over his paraffin heater. Accidentally overturning it, he set himself on fire, screaming in pain as his clothes were engulfed he ran out of his abode and jumped into a nearby reservoir, where he sunk like a stone and drowned.
A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his walkman.
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. You guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.
Written by Danny, age 8, from Chula Vista, California, for his third grade homework assignment, in order to “Explain God.”
One of God’s main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things here on earth.
He doesn’t make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, he doesn’t have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
God’s second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn’t have time to listen to the radio or TV on account of this. Since He hears everything, not only prayers, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears unless he has thought of a way to turn it off. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere, which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn’t go wasting His time by going over your parents head asking for something they said you couldn’t have.
Atheists are people who don’t believe in God. I don’t think there are any who live in Chula Vista, at least there aren’t any who come to our church.
Jesus is God’s Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn’t want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him. But he was good and kind, like his Father, and He told his Father that they didn’t know what they were doing and to forgive them.
His dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn’t have to go on the road anymore.
He could stay in heaven. So He did and now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important. Of course, you can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.
You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there’s anybody you want to make happy, it’s God. Don’t skip church to do something you think will be more fun, like going to the beach. This is wrong! And besides, the sun doesn’t come out at the beach until noon anyway.
If you don’t believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can’t go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He’s around when you are scared in the dark or when you can’t swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by the big kids. But you shouldn’t always just think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And that’s why I believe in God.
US Air Force “Oath of Enlistment”
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I know I couldn’t hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten me.
I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I’m not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services.
I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of my “Basic Training”, I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day.
I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So help me God.
US Army “Oath of Enlistment”
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn’t score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I’m not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won’t take me because I can’t swim.
I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I can’t figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual….er…I mean BASIC TRAINING, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.
On my first trip home after Boot Camp I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times I will continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the “COMPANY.” I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can’t pass a placement exam. So help me God.
US Navy “Oath of Enlistment”
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too “corporate,” and because I thought, “Hey, I like to swim… why not?”
I promise to wear clothing what went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own.
I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English speaking world, using words like “deck, bulkhead, cover, and head” when I really mean “floor, wall, hat, and toilet.” I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hrs. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found “colleagues.” So help me Neptune.
US Marine Corps “Oath of Enlistment”
I, state name here, swear…uhhh…high-and-tight… cammies…ugh…Air Force women… OORAH! So help me Corps.
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