January 1, 0001
HumourList package #73 - Shorter Jokes
Wow, for once, a Package which has jokes that aren’t 10 pages long.
Well, okay, I lied… there’s a long joke in here about unemployment, but it’s funny. Might take you a second to catch the joke at the end though.
Anyhow, this is a reminder that there will be no HumourList Package next week (weekend of 15th-18th) as I will be fleeing the … err, leaving … the country to take a little vacation.
Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription instructions remain intact at the end
Selected One-Liners About Getting Old
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
My grandmother’s 90; she’s dating a man 93. They never argue: they can’t hear each other.
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
Don’t take life so seriously … it’s not permanent.
The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (Milton Berle)
Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you’ve made it again.
If you’re old enough to know better, you’re too old to do it.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You’re getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
You’re getting old when tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.
You’re getting old when you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along.
You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.
I’m getting just like my great-grandchildren – wearing diapers and using a walker.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.
Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate.
My uncle reads the obits every day. He can’t understand how people always die in alphabetical order.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
You know you’re getting old when your back goes out more than the rest of you.
Old age means hearing SNAP, CRACKLE, POP at breakfast, and you’re not EATING Rice Krispies.
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.”
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.”
The maid had just been fired.
Taking five bucks from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, “I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!”
TOP 10 WAYS TO GET FIRED
Day one: Start an official sounding rumor about your boss being considered for a big promotion. Day two: Spread a rumor that the promotion involves your boss heading up a new facility in Bosnia.
Whenever a co-worker asks if you want coffee, say, “No thanks, it doesn’t mix well with thorazine.”
Attach 10 or so bottles of white-out to the inside of your suit jacket. Every time you pass a co-worker, surreptitiously open your jacket and whisper, “I got white-out here; three bucks a pop; good quality stuff; who needs white-out?”
Bring several large mason jars to work and fill them part way with water and yellow food coloring; display them conspicuously around your work space. Tell anyone who asks about them that you are just taking part in an efficiency study that your boss came up with to cut down on the time employees spend away from their desks.
Tell your boss that you intend to spread out your vacation time by taking off one minute out of every 25. Spend all your time planning your vacations.
Secretly replace the coffee your boss usually drinks with new Folger’s Crystals.
Keep a tally of what your boss wears on ‘casual’ Friday. when you see a pattern develop, distribute the tally to co-workers and start a weekly pool.
Dress like a pirate for the office Halloween party. Dress like a pirate every other day of the year as well.
Sign up your boss as a volunteer for Junior Achievement, Save The Children Foundation, Keep America Beautiful, the local branch of the Seventh Day Adventist Church, UNICEF, Hands Across America, Points of Light Foundation, and the kicker, AARP.
Set everyone’s desk and PC clock ahead one hour and go home early.
Story from the Unemployment Office
“What is the number on the house?”
“Well…I don’t know.”
“Have you ever filled out a claim before?”
“The Public Broadcasing System.”
“What was your position?”
“No, no, I mean were you an executive, a sales rep, a consultant…?”
“Well, I was just a bird… isn’t that a job?”
“How long were you employed as a… bird?”
“Let’s see…1, 2, 3, 4, 5…”
“What are you doing?”
“Counting the number of years I was with PBS.”
“Don’t you know offhand?”
“I’m just so used to counting things.”
“Oh… is that what you did for PBS… inventory?”
“No… I just counted things.”
“You counted things… you mean you were a counting bird?”
“Yes… well, sometimes I did letters.”
“Please, call me Big Bird.”
“Mr. Bird, you’re not helping much. How can I get you your unemployment benefits if I can’t find out what you did for a living?”
“I’m sorry, Miss Unemployment Person.”
“What else can you do besides count and read?”
“I can walk around my neighborhood and help kids.”
“You mean like a counselor?”
“I guess so… is that someone who counts?”
“No, it… never mind… do you have any references?”
“Well, there’s Oscar the Grouch and Snuffluffigus.”
“Can you at least tell me why you were let go from your last job?”
“I don’t know… a lot of us can’t go there anymore. Elmo, Kermit, The Frugal Gourmet, Mr. Pavoratti.”
“Have you tried networking?”
“No, Mr. Hooper always told me to stay away from the networks.”
“Mr. Bird, bring these forms back in 2 weeks listing your job search.”
“Won’t you believe me if I just told you I looked for a job?”
“Mr. Bird, I don’t make the rules.”
“Who makes the rules? Can you teach me?”
“Mr. Bird, it’s a long story. I’ll see you in 2 weeks for orientation.”
“OK… thank you for helping me.”
“You’re welcome… Mr. Bird, before you go, I just thought of something. Someone was in here last week who acted just like you. Maybe he could help you out.”
“That’s wonderful! Do you have his name?”
“I don’t remember his last name… it was Barney something…”
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would ask, ‘You wanna sell that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.”
This one guy was at a movie theater and he was sprawled out across 3 seats.
The usher came by and told the guy to move. The guy mumbled but didn’t move.
The usher went and got the manager. The manager said to the man, “Sir, if you don’t move, I’ll call the police to have you removed.” They guy mumbled, but didn’t move.
So the manager called the police. The policeman said to the man, “Hey mister. What’s your name?”
The man said, “Pete.”
The cop asked, “Where ya from, Pete?”
“The reason it’s always so difficult for this president to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it’s usually three different stories.” – Sam Donaldson
YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN ARIZONA WHEN:
You’ve signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can’t remember the name of the incumbent.
You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
You can say Hohokam and people don’t think you’re laughing funny.
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River.
You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over 100 degrees.
You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves.
You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
You realize that Valley Fever isn’t a disco dance.
Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
You can pronounce the words: “Saguaro”, “Tempe”, “Gila Bend”, “San Xavier”, “Canyon de Chelly”, “Mogollon Rim”, “Cholla”, and Tlaquepaque”.
It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just to go to Circle K.
Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools will actually buy them.
Hot air balloons can’t go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.
You can understand the reason for a town named “Why.”
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