January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #71 - CANADIAN Jokes
I read probably one of the funniest jokes about Canada I’ve ever seen, which came from a subscriber suggesting a Package topic:
“I’m one of your humourlist subscribers, who by your records would define as being an American from the south, but I’m really a Canadian “forced” to live down here in New Orleans for a time.
“Just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate the list – and the wonderful Canadian spellings!! I frequently pass along the jokes (and subscription notes) page to local friends.
“Personally would like some ‘Canadian’ jokes – some of those things that you might only really get if you’re Canadian, although (of course) I can’t think of an example right off the top of my head.
“Probably like how you tell if there’s Canadians in the audience:
announce that the world will end at 10 on Saturday, 10:30 in Newfoundland....."
Thanks to Janet King for that… it had me laughing pretty good, so I immediately looked around for more Canuck Jokes. Since I only have 4 subscribers from Quebec I threw in a good joke I got a while back that all Canadians seem to love. To the four Quebecers on the list (well, three - Scott spends more time in Ontario than in Quebec), don’t take offense to the first joke in the Package.
To make up for it, I included a series of top 10 lists sent to me from Scott (the Ontarian-wannabe) that pretty much put down all of the Canadian provinces. It doesn’t include the two territories though… just the provinces.
Enjoy! And remember … this is just humour.
Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription / back issue / help instructions remain intact at the end
So one day these three Canadians were walking down the beach at, oh, Picton Sandbanks, when they come across a little lantern. One of them shines it up, and as these jokes go, out pops a genie.
“Since there are three of you guys, I’m going to grant each of you any one wish, so what’ll it be?”
The first guy (from Newfoundland) steps up and says, “Eh, ‘ow’s it goin’? I’m tired a’ havin’ ta take a ferry from Newfoundland to Labrador every time I want ta git to the mainland. I’d like a bridge, without the toll charge this time, from the mainland to the island.”
The genie thinks for a second and replies, “Well, that’s kind of a long bridge, but it’s done. No sweat.”
The second guy steps up and says, “Salut! Me and my fellow Quebecers are tired of being part of Canada and we want to be separate from them. I would like for you to build us a wall as ‘igh and as t’ick as you can with no way in or out so we can live in peace.”
For a moment the genie thinks and then says, “Well, okay, done. It’s a big wall for the Quebecer.”
The last guy steps up and says, “G’day… I’d like for you to show me this wall you just made before I make my wish.”
The three men and the genie are standing on the edge of the wall and the last guy, from the Ottawa Valley, says, “Nice wall, eh? Tell me about it.”
The genie says, “Well, it’s 1000 feet high, 100 feet thick, nothing can break it down and there’s no way in or out. It’s the strongest wall in history.”
The Ontarian guy gets a wild smirk on his face, turns to the genie and says, “Nothing will break it down, eh? No way in or out?”
“That’s right,” replies the genie.
The Ontarian continues, “Y’know … I’ve always wanted a REALLY big pool……”
TOP REASONS FOR BEING A CANADIAN
Can bask in a sense of national security without having to worry about such messy details as providing for your own defense.
Can mispronounce the “ou” sound and get away with it.
Have wonderful (free) medical care at your disposal, just a short drive to the hospital (or right at home, if you’re not in a hurry).
Can misspell “color” (and “humor”) and get away with it.
Winter. Whenever you want it. And then some.
Almost as much confusion about official language as the Americans.
REAL unspoiled wilderness (without restrooms & vending machines).
Maggie Trudeau, eh?”
“Historically French Canadians have not really believed in democracy for themselves; and English Canadians have not wanted it for others. Such are the foundations upon which our two ethnic groups have absurdly pretended to be building democratic forms of government. No wonder the ensuing structure has turned out to be rather flimsy.”
Pierre Elliot Trudeau, former Prime Minister of Canada, in his new book Against The Current.
A gentleman I once met told me about the time he had a one-hour stopover in Canada on his way to the U.S. Everyone had to disembark and change planes, so they also had to go through immigration and customs.
The official went through all the usual questions with my friend until he got to the part about how long his stay would be.
“How long are you staying in Canada?”
“One hour? Why are you only staying in Canada one hour?”
“Because I’ve been here before.”
I’ve been reading a lot of crazy posts that have been Anti-American and Anti-Canadian and such and I thought I’d throw in my two cents’ worth.
[Moderator’s Note: ‘cause that’s about what our dollar is worth to the US.]
This being a humour (that’s the original English/Canadian spelling as opposed to the US spelling: humor) group, I thought I’d make it amusing, if not satirical.
MYTH: When you cross the 49th parallel into Canada from the USA the temperature doesn’t drop in the world change to ice. Last summer I worked in Niagara Falls (the Canadian side of course) and nearly half the tourists were Americans (and contrary to popular belief quite friendly – it comes from speaking to them in English and the fact their dollar is worth $1.35 here). From a US tourist…. (Kentucky was his home state)
He walks up to me wearing a heavy jacket. It was the morning and still pretty cool in NF. “Son, why you wearin’ shorts? They said it would be 30 degrees today, you’ll catch a death of a cold.”
I explained that they meant 30 degrees Celsius which is about 90 degrees Fahrenheit. For American folks coming to Canada for a visit take the Celsius measurement multiply by two and add 30. That gives you about what it is in Fahrenheit.
MYTH: Canadians say “EH” after every sentence. While many of us say “eh” it’s no more common than an American saying “y’all” or “ya know.”
FACT: Canadian Beer RULES: Ask anyone who drinks their beer cold (some Europeans may disagree, but I don’t trust anyone who drinks warm beer). Our light beers qualify as US regular beers. Although I must admit the US makes some great hard liquor.
FACT: Canadians know hockey. We invented it and have the best players. We look forward to the World Championship so Greztky, Lindros, Sakic, Lemieux, Borque, Coffey, Brodeur, Kariya, etc. can bring the gold home. At least the Americans can still have basketball (even though we invented that too).
FACT: Superman is Canadian. He was invented and patented by a Canadian but was sent to save the USA because that was more marketable. Besides the USA needs all the help they can get with Super Villains (like Hillary Clinton).
FACT: David Hasselhoff (sp) and Pamela Lee are Canadians. For you Baywatch fans. Other notables: Neil Young, Dan Akroyd, the late John Candy, Keaneau Reeves, Leslie Neilsen.
FACT: Canadian and British Loyalists defeated the Americans in 1812. That’s when we torched the White House. Of course we’re all friends now. We send the US electricity, raw materials, food stuffs and they send us all kinds beads and trinkets. Many Americans consider the Canadian victory here a blessing since it helped forced the Americans to abolish slavery (and only a real degenerate would think that was bad).
I hope everyone has learned a bit about Canada. We like Americans (well we like everyone, that’s just how we are) and do 70% of our trade with them. We just hope they appreciate us as much as we do them. Any other Canadians out there care to add more to this: educate our neighbours thread, please add on.
Good Day Eh.
Jim York, rec.humor
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
- Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges
- The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
- The local wine doesn’t taste like malt vinegar
- Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
- A university with a nude beach
- You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
- If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
- There’s always some sort of deforestation protest going on
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
- Big Rock
- Preston Manning
- Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent
- The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4
- Flames vs. Oilers
- Stampeders vs. Eskimos
- You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
- Eventually, it will be your town’s turn to ban VLT’s
- The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups
- You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get
away with it
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
- You never run out of wheat
- Those cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool hats
- Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
- Your province is really easy to draw
- You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard
- It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor’s house
- YOUR Roughriders survived
- You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
- People will assume you live on a farm
- Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
- You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront
- Amusing town names like “Flin Flon” and “Winnipeg”
- All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto
- The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal
- Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes
- Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter
- You don’t need a car, just take the canoe to work
- You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood
- Because of your license plate, you are still “friendly” even when
you cut someone off
- Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
- You live in the center of the universe
- Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
- You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
- There’s no such thing as an Ontario Separatist
- Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
- Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe
it’s a cool city
- The only province with hard-core American-style crime
- MuchMusic’s Speaker’s Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a
- Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house
- Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
- Everybody assumes you’re an jerk
- Racism is socially acceptable
- The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
- You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next
- Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
- The FLQ
- Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
- The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
- NON-smokers are the outcasts
- You can blame all your problems on the “Anglo jerks”
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
- You are sandwiched between French jerks and drunken Celtic
- One way or another, the government gets 98 percent of your income
- You’re poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
- When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours
- The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston
- No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
- You have French people, but they don’t want to kill you
- Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse
- Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen
- You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
- The only place in North America to get bombed in the war … by a
moron who set a munitions ship on fire
- Your province is shaped like male genitalia
- Everyone is a fiddle player
- If someone asks if you’re a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their
- The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, pervert
- The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world’s largest land
- You are the reason Anne Murray makes money
- You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a
- The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music
- Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada’s most beautiful city
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
- Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got
the biggest bridge
- You can walk across the province in half an hour
- You were probably once an extra on “Road to Avonlea”
- This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from
- The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows
- Tourists arrive, see the “Anne of Green Gables” house, then
- You can drive across the province in two minutes
- It doesn’t matter to you if Quebec separates
- You don’t share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for
- You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
- The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation
- If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea
- In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a dead cod
- The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products
- If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
- You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea’s lyrics
- The work day is about two hours long
- You are credited with many great inventions, like the
solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
- If someone asks if you’re from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to
kick their butt
- It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day
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