January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #70 - Misc Jokes, Jokes about Southern US
I took a quick look through my subscriber list and realize I’ve got quite a few Americans from the Southern US as subscribers, so I hope they can take a joke. None of these are meant to offend in any way, okay?
In the Misc Joke department, we have a piece that almost literally had me rolling on the floor laughing (rotfl). The second piece gives us insight on how to beat telemarketers at their own game. Joke Number Three gave me a few pointers on how to get people to not talk to me on my plane trip down to California in a few weeks. Hmm… two weeks away…
It will be a nice, relaxed break, and there will be no HumourList Packages sent while I’m gone. I’m heading to LA, land of movie stars, drive-bys and beaches, then on to San Diego, the land of zoos, more beaches, and … whatever else, to meet the creator of ListMan (George).
Should be an interesting time. What will be even more interesting is if I can still convince him to come up to Canada next winter. Heheh. Bring your woollies, buddy.
Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription / back issue / help instructions remain intact at the end
Who’s On First - Star Trek Style
Kirk - Ah… hello Mister Spock. Spock - Good day, Captain. Kirk - Are you an avid baseball fan? Spock - Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern of 4 sides with a spherical object. The purpose is to knock the ’st out of’ the object amidst loud verbalisations of ‘Hurrah’ and ‘Knock ‘em on their a.’ Is this correct? Kirk - Indeed. We are in the process of learning about one of the baseball teams from old Earth. Spock - Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history… perhaps I may be of assistance. Kirk - That’s the idea. Spock - Very well… proceed. Kirk - Alright… Who’s on first. Spock - I am unable to determine who is on first without proper information concerning the team and year, sir. Kirk - So? Spock - Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test the accuracy. Kirk - No… Who’s on first. Spock - I do not know. Kirk - No… he’s third base. Spock - Who is? Kirk - No… he’s first base. Spock - Who is? Kirk - Correct. Spock - Who is correct? Kirk - Sometimes. Spock - Who is sometimes? Kirk - No… Who is first baseman. I’m not familiar with Sometimes’ identity. Spock - Who’s identity? Kirk - No… him I know… he’s first baseman. Spock - Who is? Kirk - Right. Spock - Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman. Kirk - What. Spock - I said the second baseman. Kirk - What. Spock - This is highly illogical. You have no apparent auditory disfunction, sir. Now, as I asked… who is the second baseman? Kirk - No… you didn’t ask that, and Who is the first baseman. Spock - I am not familiar with that piece of information, sir. McCoy - Dammit, Spock! You messed up the whole setup there! Spock - Forgive me Doctor… I am not a comedian. McCoy - Obviously. Spock - That much is certain. McCoy - Just get back to the skit. Spock - Very well. Captain… I ask you… politely… who is the second baseman? Kirk - No… Who is the first baseman. What is the second baseman. Spock - That is incorrect, Captain. The second baseman is obviously a sentient being, and therefore should be referred to as who, and not what. ‘Who is the second baseman,’ not ‘what is the second baseman.’ Kirk - Wrong, Spock. Who is the first baseman, and What is the second baseman. Spock - That statement is most illogical. Kirk - Okay… wait a minute. We’ll get Scotty… he’s Scottish.. he must love baseball. Oh Mister Scott… Scott - Aye, Cap’n? Kirk - Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about. Scott - Aye, Cap’n. It ain’t never been any other way! Kirk - You see, Spock? Spock - Yes… Mister Scott seems to know the material well. Alright, Mister Scott… who is the second baseman? Scott - Ach! No, Mister Spock! That be What you’re talking about! Spock - I know that be what… er… is what I’m talking about. I am very intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am talking about. Scott - Ach! Don’t bring track inta this! That be a bloomin’ field event! Spock - What has this got to do with field events? Scott - Ach! No! What’s the second baseman! Spock - Again, I note that a person should be referred to as ‘who’ and not ‘what’ Mister Scott. Scott - Only if he’s tha first baseman, Mister Spock! Spock - What you are saying is most illogical. Scott - Ach! No! What’s a real bright fella! Spock - Who is a ‘real bright fella’ Mister Scott? Scott - No! Who… now he’s a real dope, sir! Spock - Who is? Scott - Right! Spock - You are relieved, Mister Scott. Scott - Aye, sir. Spock - Sir… this is most illogical, and I am no longer interested in learning who the second baseman is. I am also growing impatient. Kirk - No… Who’s the first baseman. Spock - Very well sir. Good day, gentlemen, or whoever you are.
Kirk - Whoever! I forgot about him! Wait… I don’t remember a Whoever on the team…
If you’re like most people, and most people are, you resent telemarketers calling you at home trying to sell you something.
And it probably irritates you that they seem invariably to call at dinner time. I used to wonder why they would do that, knowing they were only irritating people who would then be less likely to buy what they’re selling.
A friend of mine who once worked as a telemarketer explained it to me.
“When do you expect us to call?” he said. “At 2 in the afternoon, when nobody’s home?”
That would be nice. But I guess it wouldn’t be too profitable.
Anyway, since they seem to be a fact of life these days, I thought I’d make the best of it and try to have a little fun with them.
At first, I would just let them go through their entire spiel, then say,
“I’m sorry, I’m hard of hearing. Would you repeat that?” I’d do that several times until they finally caught on and hung up. One of them got really irritated after repeating his pitch three times and snapped, “You’re just wasting my time.”
“I guess that makes us even,” I said.
But that got old after a while. Besides, it took too long.
And in addition to that, my telemarketer friend told me that a lot of the folks who do this for a living can’t do anything else. So I felt kind of bad for wasting their time.
(OK, I didn’t feel REAL bad, but I stopped doing it.)
So that’s how I stumbled upon a new hobby. It’s fun, entertaining, and it’s an exercise in thinking quickly. Here’s what you do. Whenever a telemarketer calls, try to come up, on the spot, with a spiel of your own that will disarm the caller and, if possible, maybe even entertain him or her a bit.
The following are genuine examples. (And, as Dave Barry says, I swear I am not making these up.)
The phone rings:
Them: Hello, is this Michael Owen?
Them: Hello, Mr. Owen, my name is Brenda and I’m with MCI. How are you today?
Me: Fine, and you?
Them: I’m fine, Mr. Owen. Does anyone in your home make long-distance telephone calls?
Them: No one?
Them: Well, do you receive a lot of collect calls?
Them: Not many?
Me: Nope. None.
Them: You don’t make ANY long distance calls or receive ANY collect calls?
Me: No, ma’am. You see, I belong to the Seventh-Day B’nai Antioch church, and my religion strictly forbids me from using the telephone at all.
Them: Uh, Mr. Owen, you’re using the phone right now.
You get the idea?
Them: Hello, this is Christi with Rollin’ Hills photography studio. Would you be interested in a free family portrait?
Me: No, thank you.
Them: Not even for free?
Me: No, ma’am. You see, my brother is a staff photographer for National Geographic, and he does all our portraits for us for free.
Them: Really? That’s nice.
Me: Yes ma’am, it is. Of course, we have to take off all our clothes and squat naked around a campfire for him to do it – so you can imagine what our Christmas cards look like – but hey, they’re free.
Them: Hello, is this Mike Owen?
Them: Mr. Owen, I am authorized to offer you a week’s stay at a fabulous resort if you and your fami …
Me: Not interested, thank you.
Them: Mr. Owen, it’s free, if you and your …
Me: ‘Scuse me, sir, but you see, my Uncle Horatio Hilton owns all the Hilton Hotels in the United States.
Them: So … uh, I guess you get a discount, huh?
Them: Hello, is this Mr. Owen?
Them: How would you like to make big bucks in your spare time?
Me: No thanks, I’m already rich.
THINGS TO SAY WHEN YOU WANT TO BE ALONE
Yeah, I really miss my wife/husband… but at least I have their skin to remember them by.
Have you ever tried cat meat?
Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth!
I don’t know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas.
The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me!
I puked on the last person who flew next to me.
Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose!
My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures.
The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator.
I haven’t changed my underwear in over two weeks! How about you?
Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?! Is this a great country or what?
Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?
This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary.
If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that’ll wake me up.
Don Knotts is my favorite actor!
I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck.
The pilot and I were in the same drug rehab clinic - he was doing much better when I left a couple days ago.
I collect aluminum foil.
I work in a landfill.
I have every album the Bee Gees ever recorded!
(turn and snap quick) WHO ARE YOU CALLING A PSYCHO???
(rub stomach) Human extremities do not settle well.
Hi. I’m O.J. Simpson
Obsession is a strange and powerful master. (then gaze at them until they run)
My family tree doesn’t fork.
Advice for Anyone Moving To The Southern US
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba.” You have a 75% chance of being right.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Do not buy food at the movie store.
If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.
Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”
Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised: The “He needed killin’” defense is valid here.
If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
Florida is not considered a Southern State. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
“WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“ALRIGHT, I’M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN’T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I’M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON’T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
Two inmates in a Texas private jail found the Legal Loophole of the Month when they escaped from prison and were recaptured eleven days later. Authorities found they couldn’t prosecute the men for escaping. Texas is on the cutting edge of a great growth industry, private for-profit prisons. But under Texas law, the guards at these facilities are not classified as peace officers or public servants. Thus, reasoned county prosecutor John Holmes, the prisoners could not have committed the offense of escape. Similarly the state of Oregon, where the prisoners had been exported from, reasoned they could not prosecute because the escape had occurred in Texas. State officials in Texas are still trying to figure out who to bill for tracking down the non-escapees. Just don’t you Texans overload your circuitry on this one. (SPI 11/6/96)
A Texan, complete with boots and cowboy hat, was standing admiring the beauty of the Niagara Falls. A fellow from New York sarcastically commented, “I’ll bet you don’t have anything like this in Texas.” “No,” drawled the Texan without even glancing at the arrogant New Yorker, “but we’ve got plumbers who could fix it!”
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