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January 1, 0001

HumourList Package #69 - One-liners and Quotes

Hey all. Had a few Emails and ICQ messages about ‘getting on with it’ … in other words, people are starting to tell me I was late sending a Package this week.

Hello? I sent TWO last week.

Anyways, I know this one is a little late this week, but work is busy, and I may switch to Saturdays to send Packages instead of Tuesday mornings. If anyone has any problem with this … let me know.

This Package is full of some great one-liners, take-offs on metaphors, quotes from famous and not-so-famous people.

By the way: any day now we’ll top the 700 subscriber mark. Keep inviting your friends to HumourList using the ‘invite’ command:


Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription / back issue / help instructions remain intact at the end

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving; I’m reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.


How many dyslexics does it change to take a lightbulb?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?

Is there another word for synonym?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If FEDEX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

If they arrest the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

If a tin whistle is made out of tin, then what exactly is a fog horn made out of?

What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If atheists say there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

Why is a package sent by ship called cargo, and called a shipment if sent by car?

If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?

What would everything taste like if we didn’t have chicken?

What would we have called the fruit if we didn’t have the colour orange?


NASA put a number of Holsteins in orbit. It was the herd shot ‘round the world.


Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

A: Because if they flew over bays they’d be bagels.


Computer One-Liners

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.

Double your drive space - delete Windows!

Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

Honey, I Formatted the Kid!

Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!

Your Email has been returned due to insufficient voltage.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?

Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once…

Maniac: An early computer built by nuts…

Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk…

Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes…

Capt’n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!

C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

‘Calm down – it’s only ones and zeros.’

’…. now touch these wires to your tongue!’

According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.

Computers are only human.

I just found the last bug.

The programmer’s nat’l anthem is ‘AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH’

“Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE” [moderator’s note: Ack!]

Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence…

To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.

Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can’t be fixed…

Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.

AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous

Justify my text? I’m sorry but it has no excuse.

Programming is an art form that fights back.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee.


A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station…

I must always remember that I’m unique, just like everyone else.

I think everyone has a photographic memory; it’s just that some of us don’t have film.

I heard that five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I don’t have a solution, but I admire your problem.

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

The reason New Yorkers are depressed is that the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.


The opening credits of “The Simpsons” shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on a chalkboard, the old “write it 100 times” punishment, which establishes him as a troublemaker. Each episode is different. Someone apparently went to the trouble of taping all the Simpsons, watching them all and writing down what Bart is writing on the board. These are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits.

I will not spank others. I will not aim for the head. I will not barf unless I’m sick. I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge. I will not conduct my own fire drills. Funny noises are not funny. I will not fake seizures. This punishment is not boring and pointless. My name is not Dr. Death. I will not defame New Orleans. I will not prescribe medication. I will not bury the new kid. I will not teach others to fly. I will not bring sheep to class. A burp is not an answer. Teacher is not a leper. Coffee is not for kids. I will not eat things for money. I will not yell “She’s Dead” at roll call. The principal’s toupee is not a Frisbee. I will not call the principal “spud head”. Goldfish don’t bounce. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. No one is interested in my underpants. I will not sell miracle cures. I will return the seeing-eye dog. I do not have diplomatic immunity. I will not charge admission to the bathroom. I will never win an Emmy Award. The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy. All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy. I will not say “Springfield” just to get applause. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man. I will not go near the kindergarten turtle. I am not “deliciously saucy”. Organ transplants are best left to professionals. I will not celebrate meaningless milestones. There are plenty of businesses like show business. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun. I will not waste chalk. I will not skateboard in the halls. Underwear should be worn on the inside. The Christmas Pageant does not stink. I will not torment the emotionally frail. I will not start an insurrection.


“I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.” – Former Vice President Dan Quayle


“Give a man food, and he can eat for a day. Give a man a job, and he can only eat for 30 minutes on break.” – Lev L. Spiro


“It’s spring! Now all those people who drive like jerks in the snow can start driving like jerks in the rain.” – J. Wagner


“This wall paper is killing me. One of us will have to go.” – Oscar Wilde, on his death bed


We learn from experience. A man never wakes up his second baby just to see it smile. –Grace Williams


Needing a man’s opinion is like needing a parachute. If it isn’t good enough the first time, chances are you won’t be needing it again.

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