January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #68 - Idiots Abound
It’s been a while since I had a Package about how stupid some people can be and have been.
Note that the flowchart diagram in this piece is hilarious, but just because it’s in this Package doesn’t mean that all men are idiots.
Also note that the flowchart will only really be viewable if you use an Email program that displays or prints in a fixed-sized font, like Courier.
Have a great weekend folks!
Oh yeah, while I think of it, I’ve updated the catalog file, and have made life a little easier for everyone on the web page. You can now submit almost all commands through a web form now instead of typing them in. For security reasons, I don’t allow the ‘invite’ and ‘unsubscribe’ commands to be issued from the web page.
What is the invite command, I hear you ask? Simple. Want to tell a friend to join HumourList without subscribing them automatically like other humour mailing lists do? Don’t get me started on this one folks, someone subscribed me to a list yesterday that I didn’t ask for.
Anyhow, to INVITE another user to join HumourList, send a command message to ListMan in this format:
Where ‘Email@address.com’ is replaced by your friend’s Email address.
“But Ian, I’m worried about spam.”
We all are, that’s why I log everything through my list manager. If you abuse the ‘invite’ command (I’ve written software to track who invites who and how often), you get booted from HumourList, simple as that.
The invitation message also puts your name and Email address in the message so the recipient can see exactly who the message is from, with instructions that if they don’t know you, to contact me so I can discuss the matter with your ISP.
I hate spam.
Other people hate spam.
Don’t use my ‘invite’ command to spam people or you’ll get banned from HumourList.
On to the good stuff. Enjoy!
Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription / back issue / help instructions remain intact at the end
1993 – David Bridges, 24, was arrested in Grapevine, Texas, in January and charged with stealing a television set from a home. That getaway had been successful, but he was caught and arrested after he went back to the home because he had neglected to take the remote control.
1995 – The Chicago Tribune, reporting in July on the trial of a marriage matchmaker in Guangzhou Province, related the testimony of a barber who agreed to offer his unwilling wife to the matchmaker for a scam in which they would sell the woman to a farmer, collect the fee, then immediately retrieve her. The barber was first cheated out of the promised reward and now faces life in prison for selling his wife. Furthermore, the wife preferred the farmer, anyway, and will not be returning to the barber.
1995 – Wild Blue, an indoor beach park in Yokohama, Japan, reviewed by the Baltimore Sun in a June story, is host on a typical weekend day to 4,000 people who pay about $46 to get in, plus steep rental prices for beach chairs and bodyboards. Among the “perfect” features: 90-degree “weather,” 86-degree artificial waves, 86-degree artificial sand on a rubberized floor, and time-controlled sunlight to simulate peak tanning as well as sunsets. Said visitor Akihito Nakayama, “It’s artificial. That’s why we like it.”
1997 – In October, the Washington Supreme Court reversed on a technicality the conviction of Benjamin R. Hull, who had been found guilty of defrauding the state worker compensation office. Hull admitted that he got a friend to help him blast a hole in his left leg below the knee with a shotgun, but insisted it was not to get compensation (he received $96,000) but because the knee has been so painful to him since 1973 after it was injured in an accident. (Five years earlier, he had tried to take the leg off with a chain saw, but got only part-way through because the saw kept malfunctioning.
I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker.
I said, “sure.”
The next thing I hear is, “Hey, where do you put the coffee?”
I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?”
I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?”
He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.”
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
She responded, appalled, “What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING??”
At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to “rightsizing,” our manager spoke up and said, “This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.”
Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
Individual: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
Individual: Now what do I do?
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
Individual: It’s asking for “Enter Your Last Name.”
Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
Individual: How do you spell that?
MEN’s GUIDE TO SELECTING THEIR CLOTHES
We all know that men are not quite as adept at fashion as women. In fact guys will pretty much wear anything, anytime, with anything. This creates the false impression that guys just “throw” any old thing on. This however is not the case. As this handy little guide points out, getting dressed is a highly complex and organized ritual for men.
The Male Guide to Selecting an Outfit ---------------------------------------
| Are there| No | Are there | “What’s a | Are there clothes | |clothes in|—->|clothes in | hamper?” | strewn in random | | dresser? | |the hamper?|———–>|piles on the floor?|
| Yes | Yes | Yes | No +------------------------------------ V | ------- V | Buy |
————— | more | | Take whatever | |clothes| | is on top | ——-
| | | V V |
——– No ——— ———– | Is |————>| Perform | “Ohmigosh” | Spray | | it | Not sure | smell |————->| with | | clean? |————>| test | | deodorant |
| Yes | "Not bad" +-------------------- | V
|For underwear:| “Which ones are |Will they| “I may get |Are there many| for my legs?” | be | arrested.” | holes? |—————–>| visible?|——– ————– ——— | | No | No V +—————————— ————- | |Place item on| | | dirty pile; | | | start over | | ————- V
| Is it | Yes | Do you | Yes | But would you rather | |wrinkled?|—–>|really care?|—–>| have a tick on your | ——— ———— | eyeball than iron a | | No | No | shirt? | | | ———————- | | | Yes +———————————————— | V ——– Kinda ——- ———– | Does |——————>| Is it | No | Seek the | | it | “Does it what?” | dark |——->| advice of | | match? |——————>| out? | | a female |
| Yes | Yes +-------------------------- | V
| Put on | | clothes! |
A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are quotes from real managers out there.
(This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems)
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used for company business.
Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people.
This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.
Norm’s wife is not so very bright. The other day, she was in the supermarket when a friend rushed up to her saying, “Judy, Judy, come quick. Someone is stealing your car.” So Judy rushed outside but soon came back. “Did you catch him?” her friend asked anxiously. “Nope,” she replied, “But I got his license number.”
Not too long ago I was summoned by a potential client to visit him in his city so he could tell me face to face why I am exactly the wrong person to write anything for him and that if I cared about the human race I would take effective steps to remove myself from the gene pool. The client-not-to-be put me up in a hotel near his office, the “Chateau De Snob,” I think it was called.
I look for two things in overnight lodging: “Bargain” and “Rates.” I used to stay at Motel 6 when it was only Motel 3 And a Half, and I am accustomed to having to ring a buzzer for at least a minute before Norman Bates comes out of a back room to rent me a bed for the night. It was therefore with a bit of trepidation that I pulled my rental car in front of the Chateau De Snob’s lobby and watched as an army of men dressed like the guards of Munchkin Land stormed out and opened my door. One of them roared off in my vehicle, and I was handed a plastic chip in payment. “Well, thanks for the UFO money,” I told the senior ranking officer, “but the car is not mine to sell.”
Up in my room the Munchkin soldier carrying my bag made a great show of opening the curtains. He pointed out the phone, the bathroom, and the television–apparently he felt I would otherwise be unable to identify these things. Then he approached me and held out his hand, so I shook it vigorously. Frowning, he hung up my bag, demonstrated how to work the TV remote, and came back for another handshake. He looked even more irritated, though I was doing my best to be nice. He fussed with the thermostat and made sure there were no monsters in the closet. This time as he returned, his palm held upward, I realized he wanted more than just friendship. I dug in my pocket and his expression brightened, but his face fell when I gave him the white plastic chip. He pitched it on the bed and left in disgust.
At dinner with my client I did my best to select from a menu printed in French, though what I ordered apparently translated to “Small Bits of Tasteless Stuff on a Plate of Grass, Covered in Watery Mayonnaise.” The waiter ignored my desperate attempt to obtain a “la burger o’cheese with fries o’francais,” despite the fact that I held my nose so it would sound like I was speaking French. My client talked on his cell phone the whole time, breaking away from his conversation occasionally in order to advise me that I was “essentially worthless” to his company.
When I got back to my room, I was horrified to discover that someone had broken in! However, I apparently must have scared them off before they could take anything–indeed, the only sign of disturbance was that they had thrown back the covers on the bed to take a nap. My fumbling with the plastic card the hotel called a “key” must have given them time to escape out the window. In their haste, they left a small piece of chocolate, which probably dropped out of a pocket. I ate it in good humor, appreciating the irony.
Best part of the trip: the hotel was kind enough to place a well stocked refrigerator in the room, which I made use of not only for liquid refreshment but for the peanuts and canned oysters. Every time I pulled out another can of beer a digital readout ticked upward another 500 points, which I figured was a meter on the number of calories I was consuming. What the heck, it made up for dinner, in my opinion.
Worst part of the trip: my not-a-client has been leaving messages for me since I got back, telling me he won’t pay for the “outrageous bar bill” I charged to the room. I ask you, why would I go to the bar when I had a refrigerator full of free goodies in my room?
Sometimes people are so out of touch it scares me.
Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts along the way, They soon filled their small pails and started to fill their pockets and shirts, When they could hold no more nuts they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. One of the boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. “One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me”
As they were doing this a passerby happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery but could not see the boys as they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
“Father, Father,” he yelled as he entered his house. “The cemetery. Come quick!!!”
“What’s the matter?” the father asked?
“No time to explain,” the boy frantically panted. “Follow me!!!”
The boy and the father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road, and all fell silent for a few moments, Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
Do you hear that? he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. “One for me. One for you. One for me One for you.”
The boy then blurted out, “The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!!”
The father was skeptical but silent. Until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other… “Now as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road we’ll have them all.”
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