January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #66 - Retirement, Old Age
Speaking of getting old, it’s my sister’s birthday today. I’m sure she won’t mind if I tell everyone to send her birthday wishes, right sis?
Heheh. She’ll be 25 this year… Wow, getting old. Quarter century. I’ve had a lot of good response from the age piece in the last Package. I loved it, personally.
But of course, if I didn’t LOVE the joke, it wouldn’t be in a HumourList Package anyway.
So, this one is dedicated to my sister Tonya, who I haven’t seen since Christmas. Hey … you’ve got an anniversary coming up too.
See ya Friday Tonya.
Today in History: 1909: Explorers Robert E. Peary and Matthew A. Henson became the first men to reach the North Pole. Early claims state they were just out to get milk for their wives and didn’t stop to ask directions. 1938: Teflon was invented by Roy J. Plunkett. The last 60 years have left us with the never-ending question: if nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the frying pan?!
Who else does my sister share a birthday with today? Candace Cameron Bure, 22, actress, middle sister on “Full House” John Ratzenberger, 51, actor, Cliff Claven from “Cheers” Billy Dee Williams, 60, actor (yeah, right), “Empire Strikes Back,”
Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription / back issue / help instructions remain intact at the end
Top Ten Changes at NASA to Accommodate 76 Year-Old John Glenn’s Return to Space Aboard the Shuttle ‘Discovery’
All the important devices now operated by the Clapper.
Shuttle’s thermostat set at 80 degrees.
Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.
“Early Bird” specials from Morrison’s Cafeteria included on menu
One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.
Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.
Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.
Installed a new bifocal windshield.
Space pants now go up to armpits.
Left-blinker left on for entire mission.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and has started growing in the middle.
The balding middle-aged man asked his barber, “Why charge me the full price for cutting my hair – there’s so little of it.”
“Well,” said the barber, “actually I make very little for cutting it. What you’re paying for is my searching for it!”
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”
The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.” “And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied “No”.
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”
“That’s kind of what I’m getting at…” replied the doctor.
The following is from a 1950’s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life. These helpful tips are compared here to the current versions for today’s girls. (Bet you guys out there will be wishing you could travel back in time).
1.(50s):Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal-on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
(90s):Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you’d like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2.(50s):Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon on your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
(90s):Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the “LANCOME” counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don’t forget to use his credit card!)
3.(50s):Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
(90s):Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you’ll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4.(50s):Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
(90s):Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma’s!
5.(50s):Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show him you are glad to see him.
(90s):Minimize the noise: When he arrives home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile…this way, he might fix it faster).
6.(50s):Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
(90s):Don’t greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the clean-up.
7.(50s):Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
(90s):Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he’s cold. This will show you really care.
8.(50s):Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first
(90s):Listen to him: But don’t ever let him get the last word.
9.(50s):Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
(90s):Make the evening his: A chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.
10(50s):The Goal: To try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
(90s):The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does.
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