January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #65 - More eels, crazy news and notes on aging
Well, let’s start out by saying that I’ve had some great feedback about the little up-until-Package-64 inside joke that went on with Di about the moray eel.
Everybody remember Claire Hennekam? She guest moderated Package 57.
Claire recently sent me some tidbits of wisdom, including this one:
ON POETIC LOVE When you’re swimmin’ in the creek And an eel bites your cheek That’s a moray! – Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
Thought I would pass that on. This Package may turn out to be a little larger than normal; I hope nobody minds.
Point of interest: our web site has moved to a new domain (my own), but going to the old site will bounce you to the new site.
Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription / back issue / help instructions remain intact at the end
From InfoBeat, March 30, 1998:
There’s more than irony involved in men’s initials that form acronyms like P.I.G., B.U.M. and U.G.H. - they don’t live as long as those with initials like V.I.P. and W.I.N., a California researcher has found. A study of death certificates shows that men whose initials have negative connotations died an average of 2.8 years sooner than a control group, whose initials were meaningless, Nicholas Christenfeld, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at the University of California at San Diego, said. Men with positive initials lived an average of 4.48 years longer than the control group, he said.
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you? “I’m four and a half ” You’re never 36 and a half, you’re four and a half going on five!
That’s the key. You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? “I’m gonna be 16.” You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony: you BECOME 21… YES!!!
But then you turn 30… ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk… He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now.
[Moderator’s Note: Rob, you reading this?]
What’s wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40… stay over there, it’s all slipping away…
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50… and your dreams are gone.
Then you MAKE IT to 60… you didn’t think you’d make it!!!!
So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60… then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!
After that, it’s a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday… You get into your 80’s, you HIT lunch. You TURN 4:30, my grandmother won’t even buy green bananas… it’s an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.
And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90’s you start going backwards… I was JUST 92…
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: “I’m 100 and a half!!!!”
Software doesn’t just appear on the shelves by magic. That program shrink-wrapped inside the box along with the indecipherable manual and 12-paragraph disclaimer notice actually came to you by way of an elaborate path, through the most rigid quality control on the planet. Here, shared for the first time with the general public, are the inside details of the program development cycle.
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.
Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.
Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
Users find 137 new bugs.
Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those”? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
New Payroll Time Recording Policy
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time. The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter.
Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation:
5000 Surfing the Net 5001 Reading/Writing Social Email 5002 Sharing Social Email (see codes #5003, #5004) 5003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via Email 5004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via Email 5005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on Email 5316 Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker while Coworker Is Not Present 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Is Not Interested in Learning 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates Me 5481 Buying Snack 5482 Eating Snack 5500 Filling Out Time Sheet 5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen 5503 Scratching Myself 5504 Sleeping 5510 Feeling Bored 5600 Complaining about Lousy Job (see code #5610) 5601 Complaining about Low Pay (see code #5610) 5602 Complaining about Long Hours (see code #5610) 5603 Complaining about Coworker (see codes #5322, #5323) 5604 Complaining about Boss (see code #5610) 5605 Complaining about Personal Problems 5610 Searching for a New Job 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining 5701 Not Actually Present at Job 5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu 6102 Ordering Out 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive 6104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit 6201 Stealing Company Goods 6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distant Personal Calls 6206 Gossiping 6207 Planning a Social Event 6210 Feeling Sorry for Myself 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching 6222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job 6223 Pretending I Like My Coworkers 6224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality They Are Jerks 6601 Running my Own Business on Company Time (see code #6603) 6602 Complaining 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time 6604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time 6611 Staring Into Space 6612 Staring at Computer Screen 7281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.) 7400 Talking with Divorce Lawyer on Phone 7401 Talking with Plumber on Phone 7402 Talking with Dentist on Phone 7403 Talking with Doctor on Phone 7404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone 7405 Talking with House Painter on Phone 7406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone 7419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 8000 Recreational Drug Use
Once upon a time there was a stork family - papa stork, mama stork, and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn’t show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn’t come home at all that night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked “Papa stork, where were you last night?”
“Out making a young couple very happy,” replied papa stork.
Several weeks later, mama stork was late making dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn’t come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked “Mama stork, where were you last night?”
“Out making a young couple very happy,” replied mama stork.
Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn’t home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn’t come in until early in the morning. Papa stork barked, “Where were you, baby stork?” as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold.
“Out scaring college students half to death,” replied baby stork.
Top 50 OXYMORONS of all time
- Act naturally
- Found missing
- Resident alien
- Advanced BASIC
- Genuine imitation
- Airline Food
- Good grief
- Same difference
- Almost exactly
- Government organization
- Sanitary landfill
- Alone together
- Legally drunk
- Silent scream
- British fashion
- Living dead
- Small crowd
- Business ethics
- Soft rock
- Butt Head
- Military Intelligence
- Software documentation
- New York culture
- New classic
- Sweet sorrow
- “Now, then …”
- Synthetic natural gas
- Christian Scientists
- Passive aggression
- Taped live
- Clearly misunderstood
- Peace force
- Extinct Life
- Temporary tax increase
- Computer jock
- Plastic glasses
- Terribly pleased
- Computer security
- Political science
- Tight slacks
- Definite maybe
- Pretty ugly
- Twelve-ounce pound cake
- Diet ice cream
- Rap music
- Working vacation
- Exact estimate
- Religious tolerance
And the Number one top OXYMORON: 1. Microsoft Works
A man receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium-he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man replies no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?” The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven’t been together at since we got married in 1967.” “Well, that’s terribly sad. But still, couldn’t you find someone to be with you? A relative or close friend?”
“No,” the man replied, “they’re all at the funeral.”
[thought I ran this before, guess not]
The following is a true story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn’t one of those “had to be there” things.
On my way home from the second job I’ve taken for the extra holiday cash, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That’s all the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting pissed at me for breaking a $50.
ME: Hi, I’d like one seven layer burrito please, to go.
Employee: Is that it?
Employee: That’ll be $1.04. Is that for here?
ME: No, it’s to go. (I hate effort duplication.)
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and says:
Employee: Uh, hang on a sec, I’ll be right back.
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.
Employee: Hey, you ever seen a $2 bill?
MGR: No. A what?
Employee: A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.
MGR: Ask for something else, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL.
Employee: Yeah, I thought so.
He comes back to me and says: Employee: We don’t take these. Do you have anything else?
ME: Just this fifty. You don’t take $2 bills? Why?
Employee: I don’t know.
ME: See here where it says legal tender?
ME: So, shouldn’t you take it?
Employee: Well, hang on a sec.
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I’m going to shoplift, and says:
Employee: He says I have to take it.
MGR: Doesn’t he have anything else?
Employee: Yeah, a fifty. I’ll get it and you can open the safe and get change.
MGR: I’M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE. (my emphasis)
Employee: What should I do?
MGR: Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money.
Employee: I can’t tell him that, you tell him.
MGR: Just tell him.
Employee: No way, this is weird, I’m going in back.
The manager approaches me and says:
MGR: I’m sorry, we don’t take big bills this time of night.
(It was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well-lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores)
ME: Well, here’s a two.
MGR: We don’t take those either.
ME: Why the heck not?
MGR: I think you know why.
ME: (Knowing full well he’s an idiot) No really, tell me, why?
MGR: Please leave before I call mall security.
ME: Excuse me?
MGR: Please leave before I call mall security.
ME: What for?
MGR: Please, sir.
ME: Uh, go ahead, call them.
MGR: Would you please just leave?
MGR: Fine, have it your way then.
ME: No, that’s Burger King, isn’t it?
At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says (at the other end of counter, in a whisper)
SG: Yeah, Mike, what’s up?
MGR: This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.
SG: Really? What?
MGR: Get this, a two dollar bill.
SG: Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?
MGR: I don’t know. He’s kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.
SG: So, is the fifty a fake?
MGR: No, the $2 is.
SG: Why would he fake a $2 bill?
MGR: I don’t know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?
Security guard walks over to me and says: SG: Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you’re trying to use.
ME: Uh, no.
SG: Lemme see ‘em.
SG: Do you want me to get the cops in here?
At this point I was ready to say, “SURE, PLEASE” but I really just wanted to eat, so I said:
ME: I’m just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says
SG: Mike, what’s wrong with this bill?
MGR: It’s fake.
SG: It doesn’t look fake to me.
MGR: But it’s a $2 bill.
MGR: Well, there’s no such thing, is there?
The security guard and I both looked at him like the moron he is, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue. My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too.
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