January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #64 - Misc Jokes, Consultant Bashing
A few people have asked about the inside joke from the last Package, so here goes.
A friend of mine recently got back from a trip to Cazumel , Mexico, where he and a friend did some diving. Near the end of the trip, they had a video made of their dive. Rob did his best to describe some of the fish in the video, and at one point, pointed out a spotted eel. “It’s just like a moray eel, except it has spots,” he said.
Later in the video, we actually saw a huge moray eel, and Rob said, “That’s a moray.”
Di speaks up with, “What’s a moray?”
From the other side of the road, total inspiration struck, and I say, “You know, when the moon hits your eye…”
Everyone gave me this blank look for a few seconds, until I started singing, “When… the… moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that’s ‘a moray’……”
Everyone got a good chuckle out of it, I got called a few names by Diana, including a typical slang term for an intelligent donkey, and I still have no idea where I came up with that song during a scuba video.
So, from Chris White’s Top 5 list:
The Top 16 Other Predictions from the International Astronomical Union
- The moon will impact the ocular orb in a manner resembling a large, hot, red-yellow pepperoni-laden disk, and the event will be named after its discoverer, Enrico Amore.
[Editor’s note: #4 dedicated to Di. “When the moon hits yer eye…”]
Enjoy the Package. There are some AMAZING pieces this week.
Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription / back issue / help instructions remain intact at the end Note: Replying to this message will be sent to the list moderator, and NOT to the list manager. To send a message to the list manager, address the message to HUMOURLIST@CYBERUS.CA
WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE! Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!
WASHINGTON, D.C.–The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser.
The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes [perhaps conspiracy theories should be included here].
“These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers,” a spokesman said. “Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner.” However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet.
“My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone,” reported one weeping victim. “I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous.”
Another victim, now in remission, added, “When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true.” It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, “My name is Jane, and I’ve been hoaxed.” Now, however, she is spreading the word. “Challenge and check whatever you read,” she says. Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following:
the willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking
the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others
a lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true
T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, “I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I’ve stopped using shampoo.” When told about the Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected.
Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.
Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including
Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability at
Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at
McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at
Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at
The Urban Legends Web Site at
Urban Legends Reference Pages at
Datafellows Hoax Warnings at
Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as
Evaluating Internet Research Sources at
Evaluation of Information Sources at
Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at
Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax.
This message is so important, we’re sending it anonymously! Forward it to all your friends right away! Don’t think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don’t check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we’re using lots of exclamation points! For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you’re obviously thinking too much.)
ACT NOW! DON’T DELAY! LIMITED TIME! NOT SOLD IN ANY STORE!
[Moderator’s Note: Check out these Dilbert cartoons. May not be active after Mid-April: http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/archive/images/dilbert981824520224.gif http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/archive/images/dilbert980121635225.gif http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/archive/images/dilbert98029122626.gif ]
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by his unusual display of emotions, she slipped her arm around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.”
Top Ten Things a Consultant Shouldn’t Tell a Client
That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought about it.
You should see the hotel I’m staying at.
Hey, I just realized that I was in junior high when you started working here.
I like this office space. I’ll have them put me in here when you’re gone.
My rental car looks nicer than that junker you’re driving.
Sure it’ll work; I learned it in business school.
So what do you need me to tell you?
Of course it’s right; the spreadsheet says so.
I could just tell you the answer, but we’re committed to a three month project.
What are you, stupid?
[warning: guilt alert]
A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, “How are you doing ?”
“Not to good. I’ve been very weak,” the mother replied.
“Why are you so weak ?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son asked, “How come you haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
“Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food when you called.”
Top Ten Ways to Know You’ve Got the Consulting Bug
Can’t stop using words that don’t exist.
Worried that he who dies with the most frequent-flyer miles wins.
Use so much jargon in conversation, friends think you’re speaking a foreign language.
Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing about.
Keep seeing bullet points everywhere.
Can fit the thematic undercurrents of War and Peace into a two-by-two matrix.
Tired of having a social life beyond work.
A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make you an expert.
Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than any real work experience.
How Dogs and Men Are Alike
Both keep moving…even when they are lost.
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
Both want dominance.
Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
Both chase cars.
The larger ones tend to drool.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Top Ten Things You Shouldn’t Say at a Consulting Interview
I’m a t-shirt and jeans kind of person.
Do you pay overtime?
I hate flying.
I’m useless without ten hours of sleep a night.
There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.
Do you cover rental cars for collision?
Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers.
I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember whole phrases.
Two words: family first.
Call it what you want, it still means firing people.
Top Ten Ways To Know You’re Dating/Married To A Consultant
Referred to the first month of your relationship as a “diagnostic period”.
Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
Takes a half-day at the office because, “Sunday is your day.”
Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.
Tries to call room-service from the bedroom.
Ends any argument by saying, “let’s talk about this off-line.”
Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.
Can’t be trusted with the car – too accustomed to beating up rentals.
Valentine’s Day card has bullet points.
Refers to lovemaking as a “win-win”.
Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear from a Consultant
You’re right; we’re billing way too much for this.
Bet you I can go a week without saying “synergy” or “value-added”.
How about paying us based on the success of the project?
This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
I don’t know enough to speak intelligently about that.
Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
I can’t take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
Everything looks okay to me.
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