January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #63 - Misc Jokes
Hey all. Short header this week, but some great jokes in the Package.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day.
Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription / back issue / help instructions remain intact at the end Note: Replying to this message will be sent to the list moderator, and NOT to the list manager. To send a message to the list manager, address the message to HUMOURLIST@CYBERUS.CA
Witnessed in kingston.forsale newsgroup:
Some guy was selling a printer -“no reasonable offer refused”.
Some guy wrote back and said he would trade him 3 turkeys and give him his wife back.
The fellow replied and said ok but he could keep the wife…
Totally Useless Trivia:
Celebrities born on March 17: (from InfoBeat) - Rob Lowe, 34, actor, “Contact,” “St. Elmo’s Fire” - Mercedes McCambridge, 80, actress, “The Exorcist” - Kurt Russell, 47, actor, “Escape From New York,” “Breakdown” - John Sebastian, 54, singer/musician, The Lovin’ Spoonful - Gary Sinise, 43, actor, “Apollo 13,” “Forrest Gump”
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Last Wednesday, scientists at the International Astronomical Union announced that an asteroid would be passing within 30,000 miles of Earth in the year 2028, and that there was a possibility of a collision. However, on Friday, the IAU admitted an error due to lack of access to all of the data. Now they predict that the asteroid will come within 600,000 miles of Earth, and that it poses no threat of a collision in 2028.
The Top 16 Other Predictions from the International Astronomical Union
Asteroid will miss Earth by 600,000 miles, but Earth will then graze a huge space iceberg and sink 5 hours later.
As Asteroid 1997-XF11 crosses Jupiter’s cusp today, romance seems likely. Watch out for Capricorns and Libra, but seek out those Geminis! Your lucky number is 9.”
The planet Pluto probably looks nothing like the cartoon dog.
In 47.602 billion years, there will be only two constellations, both of which will resemble 1970 Oldsmobile Vista Cruiser station wagons.
Quayle in 2000!
A huge meteor will hit Earth shortly. It’s over 100 miles wide and has “Hubbell” written on its side.
The universe is now contracting, but the size of John Goodman’s rear end will continue to expand exponentially.
Them Spice Girls is out of this world!
The “Big Bang” must inevitably be followed by the “Big Cigarette,” then the “Big Sandwich,” and ultimately the “Big Sleep.”
Primary element in the Milky Way galaxy? Nougat.
The traffic lights wiiill chaaange… NOW!… No wait. Okay, NOW!… Darnit! How about… NOW!?…
Our moon isn’t made of cheese, but Ganymede? Nothin’ but Gouda!
The moon will impact the ocular orb in a manner resembling a large, hot, red-yellow pepperoni-laden disk, and the event will be named after its discoverer, Enrico Amore.
[Editor’s note: #4 dedicated to Di. “When the moon hits yer eye…”]
The sun’ll come out tomorrow. Bet yer bottom dollar!
“Our credibility is falling!!! Our credibility is falling!!!”
and the Number 1 Other Prediction from the International Astronomical Union…
Astronomer who did the original asteroid-collision calculations will be highly successful in his new janitorial job.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List email@example.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
For the record, this list is plagiarized from product reviews in Paul Lukas’ magazine BEER FRAME and his book INCONSPICUOUS CONSUMPTION.
The 8 Worst Convenience Foods
Meeter’s Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that’s sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.
Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label – he seems to be saying, “Go on, eat me already.” The second-best thing is the presence of both “cooked mutton” and “mutton” in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.
Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you’re really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you’ll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.
Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it’s stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat “falling off the bone.”
Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it’s a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where everyone happily consumes Vegemite?
Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the world’s most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product’s titular robin isn’t actually blind, he’s blindfolded – the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.
Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate` (Kylmaenen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particularly tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe job on Santa’s sleigh team – he didn’t want to end up a cracker spread.
Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing you’ve ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you’re the sort who’s always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.
Stupid Criminal, Part One
[Uh, pardon our English] A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, “FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FxxK-UP!” For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he’d been about to draw his gun. He couldn’t have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved “Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fxxk-up!”
Stupid Criminal, Part Two
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Stupid Criminal, Part Three
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
BEING IN PRISON VS BEING A HOUSEWIFE
In prison you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.
In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can’t sleep without his latest lego creation.
In prison you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.
In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.
In prison all your medical care is free.
At home you have to pawn your mother’s silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.
In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home you get to clean for days advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.
In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.
At home you get to clean your space and everyone else’s space, too, and what the heck is free time again?
In prison you get your own personal toilet.
At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you’re done so you can do something for them.
In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else’s, and get yelled at because somebody’s favorite shirt isn’t clean.
In prison they take you everywhere you need to go.
At home you take everybody else where they need to go.
In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.
At home you have to lug around everybody else’s stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.
In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn’t.
At home….stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?
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