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January 1, 0001


HumourList Package #62 - Misc Jokes

Wow, we finally broke the 600 mark. I know, I know, I’m not as huge as some lists, but we’re getting there. Welcome to everyone from rec.humor and alt.humor who saw my ad. Maybe this is a good time to say that as soon as ListMan version 2.0 comes out, we’re going to have an online ‘invitation’ command to let you send an Email invitation to a friend to join HumourList.

Once this Package gets sent out, I’ll be firing off a quick admin message to you all updating some information.

This Package has got some great pieces in it. Enjoy.


Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription / back issue / help instructions remain intact at the end Note: Replying to this message will be sent to the list moderator, and NOT to the list manager. To send a message to the list manager, address the message to HUMOURLIST@CYBERUS.CA


The Bachelor Diet

Monday

Breakfast: Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth.

Lunch: Send your secretary out for six “gutbombers” - those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox.

Snack: Drink the Maalox

Dinner: Six pack of beer and Kentucky Fried Chicken three-piece dinner, don’t eat the coleslaw.

Tuesday

Breakfast: Eat the coleslaw.

Lunch: Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out, swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.

Dinner: Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho’s.

Wednesday

Breakfast: Even Jaws couldn’t eat Breakfast after a night at El Flasho’s

Lunch: Rolaids and a Coke

Dinner: Drop in at a married friend’s house and beg for scraps.

Thursday

Breakfast: Order out for pizza.

Lunch: Your secretary is out sick, check Monday’s gutbomber sack for leftovers.

Dinner: Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.

Friday

Breakfast: Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonald’s. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it’s probably better for you.

Lunch: Skip lunch, Fridays are murder

Dinner: Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don’t eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

Saturday

Breakfast: Sleep through it.

Lunch: Ditto

Dinner: Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Don’t eat the brussel sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.

Sunday

Breakfast: Three cans of beer and half a Twinkie.

Lunch: Eat Lunch? And waste a good buzz? Don’t eat Lunch.

Dinner: Chicken noodle soup, and call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.

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06:00 PM ET 03/05/98

It’s no cake-walk for Arizona cop

MESA, Ariz. (Reuters) - It’s dangerous out on the mean streets of this Phoenix suburb.

Just ask police officer Dean Stephan. He was fired at three times late Wednesday by a transient he had never even seen before. Fortunately for the 28-year-old motorcycle cop, the fusillade was not bullets but doughnuts – jelly, glazed and plain.

“I was approaching this guy and he throws something at me when I’m 25 feet away,” said Stephan, who has been on the beat for 3-12 years. “Then comes another and another.”

That was quite enough. Stephan arrested Donald Scarf, 47, for assault.

“I’ve been hit before, but this had to be the weakest attempt at assaulting me that I’ve ever seen,” he told Reuters Thursday.

It could have been worse.

When Scarf was frisked, he had a cookie in his back pocket. The officer took it easy on him though – there were no charges of concealing a deadly snack.

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One liners for tax time:

In case you didn’t know…taxes are due April 15th, the same day the Titanic went down.

Who can understand taxes? With what they leave you, it means that you work like a dog to live like one.

I tried hard to figure my adjusted gross income. I adjusted it, and it’s still gross.

I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up.

I never cheat on my taxes. I always let someone do it who knows how.

Presidents always promise no new taxes, but they never say anything about not making the old ones bigger.

The Government says we should be proud to be paying taxes to the country. I think I could be just as proud for about a third of the money.

I got in trouble with charitable donations last year. I gave five hundred dollars to the family of the unknown soldier.

It’s very hard to make your friends believe you earn as much as you do and the government to believe you make as little as you do.

I feel a fair tax structure is one that allows everybody to cheat evenly.

I discovered a great tax shelter – unemployment.

I also lied on my last year’s return. I listed myself as head of the house.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

Tax time is when the government of the people, for the people, and by the people sticks it to the people.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

I can’t understand it. The dollar is now worth thirty cents, but forty six cents of every dollar goes for taxes.

Trying to make out your own tax return is like a do-it-yourself mugging.

The only things that are certain are death and taxes. Unfortunately, they don’t come along in that order.

A bachelor businessman lists a dependent son on his tax forms. The tax man objects and says, “Is this a stenographic error?” “He certainly was,” says the bachelor.

I was having a lot of trouble doing my taxes, so I asked my son to help me, and I promised I’d do his homework. Now I stay after school, and he’ll be in jail until 2001.

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[Moderator’s Note: WOW, am I gonna get it for this piece. Ladies, how many of you have husbands like this?]

Daily Diary of a Guy Doing House Chores

“This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you.

1). Make the beds What a waste of effort, we’re only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that. Scratch one.

2). Pick up dog poop in yard It snowed last night, I don’t see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop ? Scratch two.

3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners Duh, I’m on vacation – I don’t need them. Scratch three.

This is easy, what’s the fuss? Think I’ll go on AOL for awhile.

4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet Hmm, that’s a hard one. I GOT IT, Velcro on the door will keep them closed. Scratch four.

5). Mop kitchen floor The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me. Scratch five. Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.

6). Find something fun for the kids to do That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun. Scratch six.

This is way too easy I’ll have lots of time for AOL.

7). Vacuum the carpets Another tough one… Hey kids wanna have some more FUN? Scratch seven.

8). Feed kids lunch Hey kids, don’t you have a friend’s house to go to? YESSSS! Scratch eight!

9). Clean out hallway closet Where does she find these things to do? That’s it, I’ll take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmm, this other stuff can go under a bed. Scratch nine.

Boy, oh boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishes !!!

10). Do laundry No problem I can do that while I’m on AOL. Scratch ten.

11). Fold laundry DOH! Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear. Hey, check this out – a cashmere Barbie sweater, cool. Scratch eleven.

12) Put the laundry away Baskets in bedrooms work for me. Scratch twelve.

This is way too easy. Wonder why my wife always complains about it?

13). Water the Christmas tree Oops! Good thing the carpet is absorbent! Scratch thirteen.

14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper These old newspapers will do, besides, that’s recycling & that’s good for the earth…. Scratch fourteen.

15). Pick up the kids Yeah right; we’re talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off. They’ll be back. Scratch fifteen.

Wonder who’s on AOL, Awww, I have plenty of time.

16). Make dinner No sweat. “Hello do you deliver ? Uhhh double that order. Ya, I’ll probably have to make dinner tomorrow.” Scratch sixteen.

17). Clean out the dog house Duh… the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done. Scratch seventeen.

WOW all done. Still time for some AOL & a nap……. Man this is so easy.

Women must complain about house work just to make us guys think they’re working. Wish I could do this all the time.”

=====================================================================

10:34 PM ET 03/05/98

Quick game of poker settles New Mexico mayor contest

ESTANCIA, N.M., (Reuters) - Two candidates locked in a tie for mayor of this small New Mexico town settled their contest Thursday with a flip of a coin and a quick game of five-card draw.

Incumbent James Farrington and JoAnn Carlson each received 68 votes in the Estancia mayoral race in central New Mexico Tuesday. According to the town’s provision, the two had to decide on a game of chance to break the tie.

“I wanted five card draw, she wanted to roll the dice,” said Farrington, a sandwich shop owner who was appointed mayor 2-12 years ago. “So we flipped a coin to see what game would be played. She lost the flip, we played five-card draw and I won with ace high.”

“I lost to a dumb deck of cards,” said Carlson. “It doesn’t reflect the mandate of the people, but that’s what the state rules call for so that’s how it was done.”

Carlson says she will contest the result in district court Friday, saying Farrington is not a resident of Estancia, but only has a business there.

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