January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #61 - Misc Jokes
Hey all… another great Package full of miscellaneous jokes. Enjoy. The first one (Titanic movie spoof) had me laughing out loud at work. I think they’re starting to worry about me (last week’s Package about a brief history of time had me laughing out loud too).
Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is absolutely free for distribution provided all of the subscription / back issue / help instructions remain intact at the end
A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.
“I want to say that it’s been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you’ve all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a ‘B’ for the course.”
There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, “Any one else? This is your last chance.” One final student rose up and took the offer.
The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. “I’m glad to see you believe in yourself.” he said. “You all have an ‘A’.”
HOW TO MAKE YOUR HUSBAND CRAZY:
Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them well.)
Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.
Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he’s gained a few pounds.
Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother’s side.
Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.
Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.
Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who “needs it more than he does.”
Insist upon a lot of “meaningful conversations.”
If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.
Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his “sinking” on film.
Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.
HOW TO MAKE YOUR WIFE CRAZY:
Call her by the dog’s name and then deny it.
Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she’s gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.
Call her by your mother’s name and then deny it.
Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
Buy her power tools for Valentine’s Day.
Never give her a straight answer.
Take up yodeling and practice a lot.
Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)
Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
Answer every question with “Yes, dear.” (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)
Many of you have seen the film “Titanic,” which is about a great big boat that sank like a thousand years ago that for some reason everyone is just now getting worked up about. Some of you - I am speaking to the women here - have seen this movie several times. And I would like to know why. Have the principles of film-making not been adequately explained to you, so you think there’s a chance the movie will end differently if you see it again? Do you think this is a “Choose Your Own Adventure” movie? Because it’s not. No matter how many times you see it, the boat is going to sink, and the same people are going to die, including the guy who falls and whacks his noggin on the railing on the way down. I think this movie is entirely too long. The actual sinking of the Titanic took only four hours; the movie is easily three times that long.
(Note to reader: From the following choices, select the “this-movie-is-too-long” line you like best and go with it.)
Savings bonds have matured in less time than it takes to watch this movie.
Many marriages do not last as long as this movie.
I had to shave twice during this movie.
Three Eastern European nations (Izikikstan, Checher, and Zknkkmnzxxk) were formed while I was watching this movie.
As a public service, then, I am offering my much-shortened screenplay which some ambitious film-maker can feel free to use as the script for a shorter version of “Titanic.” All I want in return is a lot of money.
(Scene 1) KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn’t it?
KATE’S WEASEL-LIKE FIANCEE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named “Picasso.” I am certain he will amount to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90’s audience, because they know this priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I’m Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my “brooding” face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
KATE: While you’re doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASEL-LIKE FIANCEE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiancee’s life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you’re poor, and then I’ll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I’ll throw an elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you’re trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
LEONARDO: I’m glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiancee. KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiancee were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you have to take off your clothes.
KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened.
KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
FIRST MATE: Captain, we’re about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)
ICEBERG: (hits boat)
FIRST MATE: That can’t be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where’s Leonardo?
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking
KATE: That is terrible
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?
WEASEL-LIKE FIANCEE: (aside) I’m getting the raw end of the deal here: (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling withwater, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.
LEONARDO: Why don’t you just shoot me?
WEASEL-LIKE FIANCEE: Because then you wouldn’t be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you’re going to die anyway-
AUDIENCE: Don’t spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He’s right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he’s doomed.
WEASEL-LIKE FIANCEE: I hate you people.
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that’s when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiancee and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn’t been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he’s pretty much dead now, and I’m well over a thousand years old, and who’s making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it’s making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey! Don’t you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie! I’d turn you over my knee, if I had one. I’ll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.)
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