January 1, 0001
HumourList Package 59 - Guest Moderator: Jason Trimble
Hi. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m not Ian. So for those of you that were hoping for Ian with this Package, well, sorry to disappoint. But I’m sure he’ll be back soon enough. Wouldn’t be the same without him anyway. (And for all you single women out there, he IS single and a pretty great guy.)
Anyway, I think I said I was going to introduce myself. You can call me Jason, since that’s what my parents chose to name me. I’m one of those Americans that subscribe to the list. And I’m a constant annoyance to Ian as well. Ask him. He’ll tell you.
This is a wide assortment of jokes and humor that have arrived in my mailbox over the last week or two. Figured I’d help Ian out so we didn’t have to listen to him whine about how busy he is (Ian, whine? HAHAHAHAHA). Hope you enjoy it. And let’s hope Ian returns soon. You wouldn’t want me to have to do this on a semi-regular basis. :)
Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Jason Trimble; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is free for distribution provided the subscription instructions remain intact at the end.
A couple of young fellows were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.
After about a half mile the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
“Let’s see yer fishin’ license, Boy!!” the Warden gasped.
With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
“Well, son,” said the Game Warden, “you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!”
“Yes, sir,” replied the young feller, “But my friend back there, well, he don’t have one …”
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?”
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, “How much for a season pass?”
Q: Why did they try to get the women off of the Titanic first?
A: To make the ship lighter. :) (DUCK!)
[Moderator’s Preamble: Jason reminded me that I LOVE questions like these, and was pretty overjoyed when I saw these questions come up. I’ve added a few of my own for good measure.]
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
Why do they call it a building if it’s already built?
Why do you still ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
If yogurt is made of bacteria-infested milk, how do you know when yogurt’s gone bad?
Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
And what would we have CALLED that fruit if we didn’t have the COLOUR orange?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it that if you tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you, but if you tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dish-washing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why do we send shipments by car, and cargo by ship?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Isn’t Disneyland just a people trap operated by a mouse?
Sooner or later, doesn’t EVERYONE stop smoking?
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks “Have you got the time?”
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to six,” he says.
“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. Check this out” - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says “The time is eleven ‘til sixteen” in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.
Jake continues “I’ve put in regional accents for each city”. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
“That’s not all”, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,” explains Jake.
“View recede ten,” Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.
“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs”, says the inventor. “But look at this”, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, “though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far” says Jake.
“I’ve got to have this watch!”, says the stranger.
“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready -”
“I’ll give you $1000 for it!”
“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than -”
“I’ll give you $5000 for it!”
“But it’s just not -” “I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. “Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.”
Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK”, he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
“Hey, wait a minute”, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station. “Don’t forget your batteries.”
We interrupt this Email to bring you this important announcement:
I have just received the following important notice via Internet:
Subject: RanSOm nOTe
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
FROM: THE TREES
StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KIll oNe CeleBrITY EacH WeEK. theRe ARe nO SkIinG “aCciDenTS”.
- * * END OF MESSAGE * * *
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.
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