January 1, 0001
HumourList Package 58 - Misc Jokes
Hey all. I want to say a quick thanks to Claire for doing such an awesome job on Package #57 which was inadvertantly numbered as 56. Hope this didn’t confuse anyone else but me.
I have a few other guest moderators lined up to cover busy weeks, but this week is slightly more relaxed than normal.
This past week was an awesome week for me. I finished off two projects at work which reduces my workload by quite a bit. Now I just have ONE high-pressured, short-time-schedule project to work on. I also have two of my managers subscribed to the list now, so I REALLY have to watch what I say about work.
(by the way, hi to everyone at QNX that’s still subscribed! (both of you: Jason and Lisa))
I asked my mom in an Email message about a week ago if she wanted me
to announce their wedding anniversary, but she didn’t give me a
straight answer, so I’m happy to announce that it’s over.
Anyone that would have sent an Email, well, maybe next year.
This is a mixed bag of jokes, taken from multiple submissions from Aileen from AOL. I can’t even tell you where she’s from ‘cause she hasn’t updated her subscription info in my database. Coincidentally, 276 of you nice folks don’t have all the necessary info in my database, but I’m not going to fly off the handle like I used to and beg and plead that you send a message to email@example.com (don’t hit reply, start a new message) and put the word LOOKUP in the message body. Don’t worry, I won’t do that.
By the way, hi to Robb and Jeff from Campus Plus… figured you guys might want to get this once a week. Let me know if I’m wrong.
Beta testing will be in the works starting next week for ListMan 2.0. I’m not sure how many of my original beta testers I still have, so if you’re interested in helping out with this, let me know.
Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is free for distribution provided the subscription instructions remain intact at the end.
In Canada we have two Seasons…six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. “Black pepper, or white pepper?” asked the concierge. “Toilette pepper!”
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. “Well, “ said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.” “That’s amazing!” said one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?” “Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his.”
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door!
I’m on the plane, we left late, and the pilot says, “We’re going to be making up some time in the air.” I thought, “Isn’t that interesting. They just make up time.” That’s why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they’re making up time, obviously they’re increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now my question is, if you can go faster, why don’t you just go as fast as you can all the time? “Come on, they’re no cops up here! Nail it! Give it some gas! We’re flying!”
The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. You ever fly standby? It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, “Bye.”
Frankly, I don’t believe people think of their office as a workplace anyway. I think they think of it as a stationery store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.
One thing I love about living in New York is it’s every different type of person piled one on top of the other. I am for open immigration, but that sign we have in the front of the Statue of Liberty, “Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.” Can’t we just say, “Hey, the door’s open. We’ll take whoever you got.” Do we have to specify “The wretched refuse?” Why not just say, “Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, the people that can’t drive, people that have trouble merging, if they can’t stay in their lane, if they don’t signal, they can’t parallel park, if they’re sneezing, if they’re stuffed up, if they have bad penmanship, if they don’t return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving, etc., etc… In other words, any dysfunctional, defective slob that you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over. We want them.”
If AOL were a city…
You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name
You’d only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99
The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.xrated-pictures-R-us.com
The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.
The local post office won’t forward your mail to you when you move.
The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.
If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how you “really are important you are to us”.
Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming ‘WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE”
Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license plate and laugh behind your back.
You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it’s really the Earth’s fault.
You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with crap, and vacate before sunup.
The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.
The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demanding money while ripping down the swings and beating up the kids currently playing there.
The police would work for free out of some sort of “duty” to the city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.
Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout “HEY! YOU DO WANT A AOL VISA, DON’T YOU?” To which you say “no”. The voice then replies “OK, I’LL ASK YOU TOMORROW”.
A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom 2 patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, “Going to a party ?” “Yeah,” the man answered, “I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.” “But you look like Abe Lincoln.” protested the barkeep. “That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”
A local community club was organizing a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, and were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they called on a new member, a very reserved Englishman who had just moved into the neighborhood from London, to join their team. During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the very first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park. The team members stood there, dumfounded! Unfortunately, so did the Englishman. “Run!” his teammates cried. “For P ete’s sake, run!” The Brit turned and stared at them icily. “I jolly well shan’t run,” he replied. “I’m perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball.”
Email rejection letter
Men often find rejecting a woman the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman it’s over is to look her straight in the eye and say, “I’ll call you next week.” But here is now a great way to blow a woman off. It’s safe, it’s affordable and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you. It’s at your fingertips right now: E-mail. That’s how all the happening, 90’s kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy. You’ll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless? Following is an email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:
Dear (her name),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition: (men will check those that apply)
_____ Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.
_____ You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
_____ The only question you did ask was how much money I make.
_____ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
_____ Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
_____ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he “beats that domestic abuse rap” shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
_____ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely, (Your name)
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