January 1, 0001
HumourList Package 57 - Guest Moderator: Claire Hennekam
Country Breakdown: Australia …………. 18 ^^ Yeah! Third highest! My forwarding has not gone to waste :-)
But that aside, it’s Claire to the Rescue! Hi! I’m Claire Hennekam and I’m from Melbourne, Australia.
[Editor’s note: I’ve heard a lot of jokes about meetings that start this way… ]
I’ve been collecting jokes in my email box for so long now and I decided that it was time to do something about it. Granted, 20kb or so barely makes a dent in my 3Mb file, but, hey, if all goes well I might just do another one!
I’m a second year university student studying Computer Systems Engineering and Computer Science at RMIT university, so most of the year I’m really really busy. However, being holidays (yes, it’s summer downunder, and so we’re all partying on), I’ve had a little more time for fun and I thought that since Ian is soooo busy at work I might put my hols to good use and make up a package for him.
But holidays don’t last forever (D’OH!), and soon all of us students (in the southern hemisphere, at least) will be back at school/uni/ college/misc soon, and so to get the mind working again there’s a couple of fun tests in here, as well as the rather amusing results from serious ones.
So, yes, my theme is basically about tests and school humour, but nothing makes me laugh more than corny jokes and puns, and so I have broken it up with some of the funnier ones I’ve seen. There’s some military jokes squeezed in, and a few completely unrelated jokes in there too, for good measure (and because I couldn’t find enough good school humour!), so have fun, and if you want me to be a return guest moderator, just let Ian know! Plug, plug :-)
Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Claire Hennekam; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is free for distribution provided the subscription instructions remain intact at the end.
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get catgut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI’s first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453. 2) Ecuador. 3) From sheep and horses. 4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours. 5) Squirrel fir. 6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs. 7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert. 8) Distinctively crimson. 9) New Zealand. 10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.
There is this young piece of string who wants to be like the grown-ups (ropes). So he goes into a bar and asks for a drink of hard liquor. The bartender (a braided old rope) says, “we don’t serve strings in here, get lost”. So the string leaves discouraged but soon decides to disguise himself and try again. So to look bigger he ties himself in a knot and frays both of his ends. He goes back into the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, “aren’t you the same string that was just in here?” To which the string replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot”.
** The following are all quotes from 11 year old’s science exams ** ** They are true and unedited, as far as I know **
“When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.”
“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water”
“To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube”
“When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide”
“Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state”
“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”
“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”
“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”
“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”
“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”
“A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”
“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”
“The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.”
“The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.”
“The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”
“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”
“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”
“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”
“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”
“Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.”
“Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”
“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”
“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”
“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”
“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”
“Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”
“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”
“Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”
“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”
“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”
“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.”
“For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration.”
“For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.”
“For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.”
“For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat.”
“To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.”
Q: What do you get when you cross Dan Quayle and James Dean? A: A rebel without a clue.
Q: Why don’t art students look out of the window in the morning? A: Because if they did they wouldn’t have anything to do in the afternoon.
Q. What do you call someone who speaks two languages? A. Bi-lingual.
Q. What do you call someone who speaks three languages? A. Tri-lingual.
Q. What do you call someone who speaks only one language? A. An American.
(hehehe…sorry about that guys…I know that the majority of the subscribers are Americans, but I’m an Aussie. Telling American jokes is a national pastime! :-) Ok, ok…just to even the score, here’s one for you..)
British General addressing Australian troops: “Did you come here to die?”
“Nah mate, we came here yester-die.”
** From the mouths (or pencils) of babes. Hope you find the innocence of these answers as amusing as I did. **
The following is said to be written by actual students and are “genuine, authentic, and unretouched.”
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with
the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.”
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
There was this troupe of dancers that traveled around the country dancing in clubs and theaters. They were called the Steppers. At one club, the Steppers did such a good job of pulling in patrons that the management gave them all the drinks they could drink after the show.
Well, they all got plastered and were having a big party. When it
came time to get on their bus to travel to the next town, they did
not want to stop partying, so they just moved the party to the bus.
As they rode down the highway, you could here their yelling, singing, and laughing for miles.
At a house along that very highway, there lived a family that had a
pet snake. It was a viper, and it’s name was Peter. That night,
Peter Viper was asleep in his snake house in the back yard.
Suddenly, he was awakened by a loud racket. It was the bus carrying the Steppers still having their party. But Peter didn’t know that. In his confusion, he thought he was back in deep dark Africa being pursued by Pygmies. He slithered out of his snake house, headed across the yard as fast as he could, and crossed the highway just in front of the bus. The bus driver, who was a little sleepy, saw Peter Viper in the road, and mistook him for a giant log. He swerved, and the bus landed in the ditch, drunk Steppers lying everywhere.
The next day, the headline in the paper read “Peter Viper wrecks a truck of pickled Steppers”.
** Are my silly stories making you ill yet? heheh…here’s some military humour that’s a bit easier on the stomach. **
An admiral stands on the deck of a destroyer, making a long-winded and monotonous speech to the crew.
A lieutennant, growing tired of standing for so long listening to the drivel, remarks to the woman next to him, “That old pompous windbag sure can blow hot air, can’t he?”
The woman frowns at the lieutennant and says, “Young man, do you know who I am?”
“No ma’am, I do not.”
“I am the wife of that old pompous windbag, as you call him!”
“Indeed,” days the lieutennant, nodding gravely. “And do you know who I am?”
“No, I don’t!”
“Good,” says the lieutennant, and moves away into the crowd.
(My final joke for the package is possibly my all time favourite piece of fun. It makes me laugh over and over again, so I’m going to include it even though it’s old and many have seen it because I really think that you could read it a hundred times and still laugh.)
The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
Thankyou…you were a wonderful audience..:-)
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