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January 1, 0001

HumourList Package #56 - Mixed bag

The last two weeks of my life have been incredibly busy, thus the frantic plea for guest moderators. Trust me, one of my project managers is a subscriber now (so I guess I should ‘lay off’ the work jokes), and he can vouch for how busy I’ve been.

You know it’s bad when you start getting Email asking, “Is this list still active?” Thanks Daneel. Didn’t realize the withdrawal symptoms were that bad.

This Package may not be as long as others, as I still have a fair bit of work for the next few days. I will try to release another Package at the end of the week.

Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is free for distribution privided the subscription instructions remain intact at the end.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me … they were cramming for their finals.


The solution to our traffic problem is simple: Take all the unpaid-for cars off the roads.


“There’s just one thing that bugs me about this revolution,” confided the one radical to a fellow activist. “What’s gonna happen to our unemployment checks when we over-throw the government?”


A close friend who goes to a church that’s so progressive that when they do the Christmas story, the three Wise Men are bringing gift certificates.


A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than the man himself. On the way to the cleaning shed, the fisherman ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer of a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and asked, “Only caught the one, eh?”


Top Ten List of Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship by Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line’s Sovereign of the Seas Cruise Ship - 1998

  1. Do these steps go up or down?

  2. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?

  3. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?

  4. Does the crew sleep on the ship?

  5. Is this island completely surrounded by water?

  6. Does the ship make its own electricity?

  7. Is it salt water in the toilets?

  8. What elevation are we at?

  9. There’s a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day… the question asked…If the pictures aren’t marked, how will I know which ones are mine?

  10. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?


After Coach Holmgren dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on tour. He shows Mr. Holmgren a little two-room house with a faded Green Bay Packers banner hanging from the front porch.

“This is your house, coach. Most people don’t get their own houses up here,” God says.

Coach Holmgren looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It’s a huge three-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Denver flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Broncos banner hangs between the marble columns.

“Thanks for the house, God, but let me ask you a question. I get this little two-room house with a faded banner and Shanahan gets a huge mansion with Bronco banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?”

God looks at Holmgren seriously for a moment. “That’s not Shanahan’s house,” God says “That’s my house.”

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