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January 1, 0001


HumourList Package #55 - Ouch!

You know the feeling you get when you run down the hall and bang your knee on something? You don’t know if you want to scream in pain, or start laughing?

Guess what this Package is dedicated to? Pain, yes, but also relationships. There are a few misc jokes at the end to fill things up, ‘cause I’m too lazy tonight to filter through 3MB worth of text files looking for relationship jokes.

By the way, I’m still looking for a few guest moderators. If you’re interested, just hit ‘reply’, erase the Package text, and tell me you would like some details on guest moderating.

I know this one comes out at a really odd time, but I’m feeling guilty about not releasing one earlier this week, or last week.

Thanks to everyone that sent birthday wishes to my dad, I’m sure he’s enjoying them.


Opening header is Copyright 1998 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is free for distribution privided the subscription instructions remain intact at the end.


The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, “Regret cannot remember which one is you – please keep your photo and return the others.”

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I couldn’t help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. “I know it’s something you want,” he said earnestly, “but I don’t think tattoos are a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing. As long as you’re living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes.” I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness.
Then came the ‘coup de grace’:

“Besides, Ma, you’re 75 years old! You don’t NEED a tattoo!”

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Insurance man: “Now that you’re married, I suppose you’ll want more insurance.”

New Groom: “Naw, I don’t think she’s dangerous.”

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A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

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Classified Ad:

  • To the woman who stole my heart: Please bring it back. It is an overused old organ without any real commercial value, but I am kind of attached to it. If you return it, I’ll withdraw the charges and present you with a suitable reward.

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(a classic, slight adult content)

I’m currently running the latest version of Girl-Friend and I’ve been having some problems lately.

I’ve been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the Girl-Friend releases have always conflicted with it.

I hear that Drinking Buddies won’t crash if you run Girl-Friend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I’m embarrassed to say I can’t find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girl-Friend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with Girl-Friend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girl-Friend 2.0.

After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with Girl-Friend 2.0. He said that I probably didn’t have enough cache to run Girl-Friend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly.

He was right – as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed Girl-Friend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to Girl-Friend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program.

It worked okay for a while until I discovered that Girl-Friend 1.0 was still in my system!

Then I tried to run Girl-Friend 1.0 again with Girl-Friend 4.0 still installed, but Girl-Friend 4.0 has a feature that I didn’t know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of Girl-Friend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions!

The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of Girl-Friend, it is written in some obscure language that I can’t understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality.

Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I’ve never liked how Girl-Friend is totally “object-oriented”.

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girl-Friend to Girl-Friend Plus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of Girl-Friend.

He discovered that Girl-Friend Plus 1.0 expires within a year if you don’t upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a “huge resource hog”. It has taken up all of his space, so he can’t load anything else.
One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0.

Well it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Mother-In-Law 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can’t turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won’t install anyway due to insufficient resources.

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Man: “Doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain lately.” Doc: “Why’s that?” Man: “My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it…”

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Guy 1: “They say that people with opposite characteristics make the best marriage.”

Guy 2: “That’s why I’m looking for a girl with money.”

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What the 24th century would be like under today’s management techniques:

After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel while Worf slaughters everyone he considers “weak.”

Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his positronic brain isn’t properly documented. He curses Dr. Suhn’s record keeping as he’s stripped for parts.

All members of the ship’s maintenance crew are required to be involved in Quality Circles. The loss of productive work time causes them to cut back on scheduled repairs, resulting in a warp core breach that kills everyone.

Commander Riker is fired after a round of “right sizing.” Star Fleet decided that it didn’t really need someone to seduce alien females and smirk a lot.

As part of the new Dignity Enhancement program, Picard is forced to allow Troi to wear uniforms that are more dignified and less revealing.

Star Fleet decides to adopt the Borg “Team Building” methods and requires all newborn babies to be implanted with computer interface devices. As a bonus this cuts down on carpal tunnel disability claims.

The Enterprise finds that it can no longer communicate with Star Fleet Command because they’re still running an old version of Windows and can’t get budget approval for the upgrade.

As part of a cycle time reduction plan, the crew is ordered to cut the time necessary to encounter and escape from new life forms from once a week to 5 days a week. A re-use program is introduced under the nickname RERUNS (Reap Earnings and Royalties Using No-longer-produced Shows).

Picard is ordered to go to diversity sensitivity training after system logs indicate that he has repeatedly disparaged the Ferengis, the Q and the Romulans.

A ship-wide reorganization results in Worf becoming the ship’s counsellor, Dr. Crusher taking over the engine room, Deanna managing weapons, Data running sick bay and Geordi at the helm. They were conquered by a Klingon freighter 15 minutes later.

The crew mutinies when they are given their annual performance reviews and find that, despite saving the universe numerous times, they’re still only getting 3% raises.

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I heard a funny story the other week which I thought that you might enjoy – it is a true story. Some of the psychology students at the university decided to set up an experiment. They left a dumpster in a [city] street and put some desirable items in it – the idea was to see how many people would just help themselves to the contents. They set up a camera to film the results. Later on my friend’s brother, Seth and his friend, Paul (I’ve changed their names) walked past.
Seth saw something in the dumpster which he wanted, so he walked up to the house that the dumpster outside and asked if he could have the item. The student said yes he could, but could he creep up to the dumpster and act as if he was stealing it, as they were filming this for a class experiment. Seth said no way! he has a reputation to consider and didn’t want to be on film “stealing” from a dumpster – and anyway he had asked permission to take the item. The student said that if he wanted the item, that is what he would have to do.
Seth walked off in disgust and without the item. Seth and Paul got to thinking and being practical jokers themselves decided to get back in kind. They got a sack and cut armholes into it, then Seth climbed into the sack, putting his arms through the holes so that it was obvious that a body was inside. Then Paul slung Seth over his shoulder, crept furtively up to the dumpster, looked suspiciously up and down the road, then threw the “body” in and ran away. Seth lay there for a while, then sat up slowly like a corpse in a horror film, climbed out of the dumpster, waved to the camera and walked away.

Unfortunately, the students panicked when they saw the “body” thrown in the dumpster and called the police. When Seth and Paul came back to play another trick (they had a sack each this time and were planning to jump up to the dumpster like kangaroos, look at the stuff inside, shake their heads at it, then jump off again) they found the police searching through the dumpster for a body, so they decided to quietly walk away. The whole thing was caught on film and used in a local TV program. The host of the show was doubled up with laughter when she saw it.

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