January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #53 - ACK! Happy Holidays!!
Folks, I’m incredibly busy this week, so this Package may not be perfectly editted or the usual length. If it’s too short, well, sorry. Next Package will be out next Tuesday since I’ll have the day off.
I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, and let everyone know that I appreciate the large number of friends I have world-wide thanks to HumourList.
On a really quick admin notice: if you are going to run any commands through ListMan, PLEASE don’t reply to a HumourList message to do it, your request gets sent to me; please make sure the message is addressed to HUMOURLIST@CYBERUS.CA and that your command is in the message body, NOT on the subject line.
On a quicker note: By the time I get back to work in January, I will have a web interface to ListMan working, so any commands can be run through the HumourList web site.
Thanks again folks for everything. Have an awesome holiday, and if you celebrate: Merry Christmas.
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is free for distribution privided the subscription instructions remain intact at the end.
A friend of mine was listening to a talk. At the end, the speaker asked if there were any questions.
One man raised his hand and asked, “Do you think Fred would have ordered the large ribs if he’d known it would tip over the car?”
Washington Post – Top List of Inappropriate Gifts this Season
Li’l Naturalist Hornet Farm
The Duncan Yo – Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties
5,200 pick up – a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play a larger version of their favorite game
Supersoaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint, clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.
Doggie dentist – Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.
Cuisin-Art – Turns mommy’s food processor into a spinning paint tool.
Advanced play medical kit – includes colonoscope and speculum.
Chocolate covered lead soldiers
Bungeroo – kid sized bungee kit for second story bedrooms
True Story: One Families Traditional Christmas Gift
Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube.
The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collette’s plotting his revenge–if he can get them out.
It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkel’s mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student.
He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didn’t like them. So he gave them to Collette.
Collette, who called the moleskins “miserable”, wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year.
The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel.
The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the “bale” to Collette.
Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.
The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever.
Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.
Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas.
Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette’s name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.
Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon’s outlet in Bensenville.
Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.
“This will take some planning,” Collette said. “I will definitely get them out. I’m confident.” But he’s waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches.
“Wait until next year,” he warned. “I’m on the offensive again.”
This is to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.
Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles.
Pretend you are looking for your car.
For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18-wheeler.
Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You’d almost believe you’re skiing in front of a snowmaker!
Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
Merry Christmas to you, and please don’t worry. I’m just fine
considering I can’t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you
have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.
I’ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you’ll
spend on my Grandchildren. Lord knows their mother never buys them
anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
But then, I guess you two do save a lot of money shopping for their clothes at the Salvation Army surplus stores and all.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they’ll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me – we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would never let you come. Why, I bet she’s never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it’s time for me to crawl off to bed now. I broke my cane beating off a gang of muggers last week, but don’t you worry about me. I’m also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and actually kind-of grateful since the frost on my bed numbs my constant pain. Now don’t you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year; as well as all those designer clothes your gold-digger demands you buy her. Give my love to my darling Grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is – the one with the black roots who stole you screaming and kicking from a loving home, and dragged you up to that God-forsaken lawless Sodom she calls a state.
25 WAYS TO SPOIL YOUR ROOMMATE’S HOLIDAY
Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor.
Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off.
Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you’re wearing it.
Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, “Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…”
Hang mistletoe in every doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it.. If s/he asks, say “you’ve been very naughty this year.”
Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. “You know, I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.“)
Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
Sing: “All I want for Christmas is my roommate’s two front teeth…”
Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn’t come to life, cry hysterically “it didn’t work!”
Whip your roommate screaming “now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.”
Tear down all your roommate’s Christmas decorations yelling “Bah Humbug!”
Wake up every morning screaming “Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!”
Tell your roommate you’re moving out. Santa’s buying you a house on 34th Street.
Pin a poinsettia to your lapel.
Make gingerbread people and stick pins in them like voodoo dolls.
Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate’s friends “give it a yank.”
Ring jingle bells maniacally saying “every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”
Stand in front of the mirror reciting “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” over and over in your underwear.
Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.
Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, “… he sees you when you’re sleeping …”
Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room.
When your roommate asks, tell him/her “I had to let them stay here, there’s no room at the inn.”
When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her possessions. Tell him/her that Santa’s elves must have done it.
Bay Shore, New York – More than 500 underprivileged youngsters were given the chance to spend $100 dollars each at a toy store giant Monday.
Businessman Vince Grieco – who owns Investors Associates in Melville – donated more than $50,000 to pay for the Christmas shopping spree for 525 youngsters.
The kids came from group homes or emergency shelters for homeless families, or are suffering from AIDS.
Grieco arranged to have the Toys R Us store in Bay Shore to open at 5:30AM so the children could run through the store picking out their toys for Christmas.
“It feels great. Absolutely great,” Grieco said as the happy, screaming kids came back with their gifts.
The 30-year-old investment counselor says this is his way of giving back to the community. This was the first year of the toy spree, which he said he was considering turning into an annual event.