January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #52 - Early Holiday Humour, Misc Jokes
Howdy folks… Happy Holiday s alittle early while I put together some of the most hilarious holiday humour that I’ve had pouring in lately. Also included are some funny misc jokes.
The first piece especially, “The X(mas) Files” will have you laughing out loud, I’m sure, but only if you’ve seen the show “The X Files” … otherwise it may not make much sense.
Anyhow, my hope for the holidays is that I get lots of presents and that all of you have a happy and safe holiday. Whether or not you celebrate Christmas, have a great break, and enjoy your time with family and friends.
Notice: there will be no Package sent the week of December 29th.
Conversation I just had (Dec 5) with George Velazquez:
Me: “I jsut overheard at work that all the airports in Isreal are on strike.”
GV: “Bummer deal. I guess the terrorists will now have to hijack the trains…”
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is free for distribution privided the subscription instructions remain intact at the end.
The X(mas) Files
Mulder: We’re too late. It’s already been here.
Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.
Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.
Scully: You really think someone’s been here?
Mulder: Someone or some THING.
Scully: Mulder, over here – it’s fruitcake.
Mulder: Don’t touch it! Those things can be lethal.
Scully: It’s O.K. There’s a note attached: “Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice.”
Mulder: It’s judging them, Scully. It’s making a list.
Scully: Who? What are you talking about?
Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.
Scully: But that’s legend, Mulder – a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely, you don’t believe it?
Mulder: Something was here tonite, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive – and in a hurry.
Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.
Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.
Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?
Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.
Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There’s no sign of forced entry.
Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.
Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you’re crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there.
Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions.
Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?
Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I’ve never told anyone this, but when I was a child, my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I’ll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.
Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD.
Scully: I’m sorry, Mulder, but you’re asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they’ll close the X-files.
Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you’re awake.
Scully: But we have no proof.
Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.
Scully: But that was a meteor shower.
Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn’t want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully,they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There’s too much at stake. They’ll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.
Scully: Mulder, I –
Mulder: Sh-h-h! Do you hear what I hear?
Scully: On the roof. It sounds like … a clatter.
Mulder: The truth is up there. Let’s see what’s the matter.
KIDS, NEVER ASK YOU DAD ABOUT SANTA CLAUS IF HE’S AN ENGINEER:
I. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
II. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
III. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, about 3,000 times the speed of sound.
For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
IV. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500,000 tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the “flying” reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them; Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ocean liner, not the monarch).
V. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second craetes enormous air resistance; this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION Joules of energy. Per second. Each… In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
VI. Therefore, if Santa ever did exist, he’s dead now.
THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade - any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
THE TWELVE BUGS OF CHRISTMAS (reduced to last phrase to make it shorter, but I’m sure you get the idea)
- For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me: Tell them it’s a feature Say it’s not supported Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again.
The patient told his psychiatrist,“I don’t seem to be able to mix with people. I have no friends. When I talk to people they soon walk away. Do you think you can help me, you money-grabbing parasite and incompetent shrink?”
Silly Questions I’ve Been Asked in My Life:
Earliest Remembrances What’s his name ? How old is he ? Isn’t he the cutest thing ? Did my lil’ man lose his blankee ?
Early How’s School ? And just who do you think you are ? Can’t you act your age ? And just what were you doing to the dog with that eggbeater ?
Pre-Teen What do you mean you don’t understand History/English ? You call that cleaning your room ? Who told you you could play baseball/basketball ? How in the world could you lose your homework ?
Adolescence Why are you failing History/English/French ? May I see your license and registration please ? Is any girl worth moping around about ? How in the world could you lose your wallet/sneakers/hat ?
Post Adolescence Exactly how long had you planned to stay in college ? Why in the world would you want to join the Navy ? Why can’t you settle down with a nice girl ? When will you learn you can’t go around saying what you think ?
Early Adulthood How’s the job ? How’s the family ? Are you glad you married me ? How can you speak to me that way, don’t you care ?
Adult Years How’s the new job ? Aren’t you ever going to be satisfied ? Gee Dad, weren’t you ever young ? How can you speak that way to your own son ?
The Middle Years How’s the new job ? How’s the new house ? Do you think I’m getting fat/old ? Don’t you realize you embarrass me ?
The Present So, how’s retirement ? What did the doctor say ? Is that all you’re going to do, play on that computer ? How in the world could you lose your pills ?
Subject: Signs you might be too Canadian
You know all the words to “If I had a million dollars” by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.
You dismiss all beers under 6% as “for children and the elderly.”
You hum David Foster’s ‘88 Calgary Olympics theme in the shower.
You make up patriotic lyrics to go along with David Foster’s ‘88 Calgary Olympics theme.
You cried when Gus “drowned” on Road To Avonlea.
You remember when Alanis Morrissette was “Too Hot To Hold”.
You think there isn’t enough of Peter Gzowski to go around.
You think “Ed the Sock” is funny.
You wonder why there isn’t a 5 dollar coin, as you can only use more change.
You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip.
You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, “what’s good enough protection for the Prime Minister, is good enough for me!”
You have memorized the Heritage Foundation’s Heritage Moments, including your favourites, “Burnt Toast!”, “You know I canna read a word…“, and “Kanata”.
You can sing “O’ Canada” in French and actually know what the words mean!!
You advocate the abolition of responsible government, in favour of monarchist rule.
You think there isn’t enough Queen on our currency.
You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the Hinterland Who’s Who spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.
You participate in Participaction!
You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.
You think Lloyd Robertson is sexy.
You think Peter Kent is sexy.
You think Brad Pitt is so-so.
You stood in line for hours for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.
You killed your best friend for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.
You think Great Big Sea isn’t Maritime-centric enough.
Your graduation formal dress was made of flannel.
Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on.
You know the names of all the guys in Sloan.
You have been on Speaker’s Corner. Bonus points if The Devil’s Advocates made fun of you.
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing ‘u’s from labor, honor, color, and neighborhood.
You know the French equivalents of “free”, “prize” and “no sugar added”, thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
You think Ashley MacIssac isn’t celtic enough.
You remember “Jodie” from Today’s Special and wonder why you keep seeing her reading news on the CBC.
You can do the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram’s “Skin-a-marinki-dinki-do”.
You know why “killerwhaletank” is funny.
You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
You had a crush on Joey Jeremiah from Degrassi Junior High.
You know that a “Premier” isn’t a baby born a few months early.
You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards, and The Juno Awards. You wonder why Stompin’ Tom doesn’t get his own category in all three. You scream passionately at the television when your favourite Canadian performers are overlooked by their respective academies.
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
You think -10 C is mild weather. (This may be a Kitimat thing!)
You have twins named Donovan and Bailey.
You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (alternately Gordie and Howe).
Mother rabbit to baby bunny: “A Magician pulled you out of a hat, now stop asking questions.”
So one day, a cop pulls over a car load of nuns. “Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway – why are you going so slow?”
Sister: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.”
Cop: “Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!
Sister: “Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible.”
Sister: “I guess we just off highway 119.”
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