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January 1, 0001


HumourList Package #51 - Misc Jokes

Well, the mail strike here in Canada is coming to an end … for me, that signals one of two things: either the government is going to legislate (force) them back to work, or it’s getting too darn cold outside to stand around and protest all day. Or maybe both.

And of course we all know the reason they’re on strike, right? No, it’s not the job cuts, it’s not the budget cuts… I’ll bet the farm they’re all protesting against some part of Bill C-68. For those unfamiliar (or un-Canadian) with Bill C-68, check this out: http://cdn-firearms.ml.org/cdn-firearms/HTML/c68-info.html

(Please note that this is just an opnion of mine, meant for humour and does not in any way reflect on the ability or inability of my local mail carrier to happily stuff my mailbox full of bills and junk mail )

Anyhow, work is busy, so this header is a little short.


Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is free for distribution privided the subscription instructions remain intact at the end.


There’s a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field.

At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field.

The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

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A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga.

She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

“No,” she replied, “but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead.”

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TOP SIGNS TO TELL IF YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ON THE INTERNET

  • Tech Support calls “YOU” for help.

  • Someone at work tells you a joke and you say “LOL” out loud.

  • You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.

  • You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.

  • You keep begging your friends to get an account so “we can hang out”.

  • Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

  • You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

  • You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

  • Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.

  • Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.

  • When someone says, “What did you say?” you reply, “Scroll up!”

  • You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.

  • You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won’t know you’re on-line again.

  • You know more about your AOL friends’ daily routines than you do your own spouse’s.

  • You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.

  • You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).

  • You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.

  • You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know you’re going to be away and how you’re feeling.

  • You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met.

  • You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.

  • You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.

  • You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.

  • You don’t even notice anymore when someone has a typo.

  • You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.

  • You type faster than you think.

  • You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.

  • You double click your TV remote.

  • You can now type over 70 wpm.

[NOTE FROM THE HUMOURLIST MODERATOR: last week at work, a bunch of us were discussing spending time on the Internet. When I told them my biggest month was well over 100 hours, Andrew, our IS guy, remarked, “Yeah, Ian is going to be our new corporate search engine…” ]

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Two women are talking, the first one bragging, “My husband and I are renewing our vows for our twenty-fifth anniversary.”

Second woman says, “Musta not got it done right the first time. Ours don’t expire.”

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PARODY: ‘Yesterday’, by the Beatles

Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, There’s not half the files there used to be, And there’s a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say.

Now all my data’s gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday.

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As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert’s temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.

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A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor talked to the man and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

The man replied, “Just doing what you said Doctor, ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.‘”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.”

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How to Obtain Free Samples

Dear Sirs,

I am writing to complain about the performance of one of your products, to wit: Bigelow ‘I Love Lemon Herb Tea’. Having recently sampled said item in a culinary context, I am convinced that it is the most unappealing, tasteless, and unprofessional tea I have ever encountered.

This tea breaks all previously-conceived boundaries of the concept bland. It invokes in the drinker a level of excitement usually associated with shoelace collections or counting one’s own armpit hairs. I notice that the tea is classified as as “Herb Tea” rather than a “Herbal Tea,” and that Herb has traditionally been a name denoting banal, tedious people. Another tumbler of the Bigelow corporate lock falls into place.

The outer wrapper of the teabag - whose taste may be compared favorably to that of the tea itself - is colored yellow. One may conjecture that this represents some twisted attempt to conjure associations with other objects that R.C. Bigelow, Inc. regards as the paradigm of tastiness, such as fire hydrants, old math textbooks, and yield signs. A quick glance at the packages of some of your other herbal tea products confirms our suspicions. One tea package depicts a small cat, playfully clawing a ball or mouse or small child, while your propagandistic legend assures us the paragon of beverages is contained within. What sort of baldfaced nonsequitor is this? The only thing a cat and tea have in common is that one dislikes being immersed in the other. Clearly, your marketing skills are equivalent to your prowess at teamaking, which is probably on level with the cat’s.

In short, I find ‘I Love Lemon Herb Tea’ a thoroughly detestable product, and recommend changing its name to ‘I Used To Love Lemon Until I Drank This Herb Tea’. In view of its exceeding worthlessness as a viable drink, it is difficult not to inductively extend this condemnation to include the entire product line of R.C. Bigelow, Inc. However, if I were sent a free sample of each of your other tea products, I might be able to constrain my loathing to this particular specimen, and not gallop through the streets of Pittsburgh howling obscenities about your company and your activities, which, as you know, it exceedingly deleterious to healthy public relations.

Sincerely,

Michael Shapiro

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As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask “Why do we have to learn this stuff?”

“To save lives.” the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” he persisted.

“It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school,” replied the professor.

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My friend claims (yes, I know about urban myths) that when he was working late at the office of his family’s business, he heard what sounded like a break-in in the warehouse. He called 911 and got no answer. Immediately he called the local Dunkin’ Donuts shop, asked to speak to a police officer, and got one over right away.

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A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of information:

Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator!

So they departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard his wife’s gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone. When he got to his wife she was arguing with another man. When he finally got to his wife the man was shouting and waving his hands in the air:

“Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if I take my saddle off your deer before you take it away?!?!”

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