January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #49 - Guest Moderator: Nhi Tran, UK
A quick word before I start - this won’t take long … I’d like to thank Ian for letting me moderate this package and also for being so patient with my emails :)
Hi all - I’m Nhi, greetings and merriment from England. I’m writing most of this at the beginning of November. I turn 21 on Saturday, yes an important moment of my life - the same goes for the big 3-oh, and 4-oh and 5-oh and etc, etc, etc - you get the picture.
I’ve organized to have a meal with all my friends and people from work. And some how I get the feeling that it’s all going to go terribly wrong and I’ll be the only person at my 21st. It’s that time of the season when the cold strikes, so I’m surrounded by people who are unwell and some who might not be able to make it. I guess I should have kept that reserved table for 12 instead of calling the restaurant back and changing it to 21! Imagine … little me sitting at a table for 21!
[Editor’s notes after party: Weeelll, it didn’t go too bad at all and the food was great and I guess I was being paranoid! Everyone turned up; although some were late and we managed to annoy the waiting staff throughout the evening. We ended up having 13 to a table, which was fine since the staff wanted to use the other table for more customers. My guests managed to sing (in tune, and together) ‘happy birthday’ to me outside the restaurant at the end of the evening. After the meal we headed down the pub - someone wanted to get me, a teetotaller, drunk on my 21st; however he rung up the day before saying he was going to be out of the country, so lucky me :)]
[NOTE FROM HUMOURLIST MODERATOR: ‘he rung up’ in UK means ‘he called me on the phone’ in North America]
Anyway… on to what you’ve all been waiting for - HUMOUR. And since I’m 21, this week’s Package is about age/growing up. I have more jokes about the old than I do about the young - well, I guess we can’t always stay young, we’re growing older with each nano-second :P
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Nhi A Tran; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is free for distribution privided the subscription instructions remain intact at the end.
I never forget my wife’s birthday. It’s usually the day after she reminds me about it.
When I have a birthday I take the day off. But when my wife has a birthday, she takes a year or two off.
Birthdays, humph…. My folks were so poor we couldn’t give my sister a sweet 16 party until she was 28.
On my 60th birthday my wife gave me a superb birthday present. She let me win an argument.
A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what she’s going to exchange it for.
We know when we’re getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it.
It’s so sad to grow old alone. My wife hasn’t had a birthday in 4 years. She was born in the year of our Lord-only-knows.
By the time the last candle was lit on her birthday cake in February, the first one had gone out. If she ever told her real age her birthday cake would be a fire hazard. When it was fully lit it looked like a prairie fire.
RETIREMENT – FROM A CHILD’S VIEWPOINT
After a Spring Break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holidays. One small child wrote the following:
We always used to spend holidays with Grandpa and Grandma. They used
to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they
moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other
retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on
big 3-wheeled tricycles and they all have name tags because they
don’t know who they are. They go to a big building called a wrecked
hall, but they must have got it fixed, because it’s alright now.
They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very good. There is a swimming pool there, but they stand in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.
As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man in it. He watches all day so they can’t get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out, they go to the beach and pick up shells.
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night: early birds. Some of the people don’t know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it “pot luck.”
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the doll house won’t let them out!
QUOTES OVER THE YEARS
Age 6 – I’ve learned that if you spread the peas out on your plate, it looks like you ate more.
Age 7 – I’ve learned that you can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Age 8 – I’ve learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop at the same time, it will come out your nose.
Age 10 – I’ve learned that you should never jump out of a second story window using a sheet for a parachute.
Age 11 – I’ve learned that if you want to get even with someone at camp, you rub their underwear in poison ivy.
Age 13 – I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up.
Age 16 – I’ve learned that when my parents are in a bad mood, it’s best to agree to everything they say or things get nasty.
Age 27 – I’ve learned that I should never praise my mother’s cooking when I’m eating something fixed by my wife.
Age 30 – I’ve learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
Age 31 – I’ve learned that nothing really bad happens when you tear those little “do not remove” tags from pillows.
Age 42 – I’ve learned that marrying for money is the hardest way of getting it.
Age 52 – I’ve learned that if you like garlic salt and Tabasco sauce you can make almost anything taste good.
Age 53 – I’ve learned that after age 50 you get the furniture disease. That’s when your chest falls into your drawers.
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
Age Favourite Drink 17 Wine Coolers 25 White wine 35 Red wine 48 Dom Perignon 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
Favourite Excuse for Refusing Dates
17 Need to wash my hair 25 Need to wash and condition my hair 35 Need to color my hair 48 Need to have Francois color my hair 66 Need to have Francois color my wig
17 shopping 25 shopping 35 shopping 48 shopping 66 shopping
Definition of a Successful Date
17 “Burger King” 25 “Free meal” 35 “A diamond” 48 “A bigger diamond” 66 “Home Alone”
17 tall, dark and handsome 25 tall, dark and handsome with money 35 handsome with lots of money 48 lots of money 66 lots of money and he’s on heart medication
17 Muffy the cat 25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat 35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat 48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat 66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
What is the ideal age to get married?
17 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66
17 He offers to pay 25 He pays 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66 He can chew breakfast
Men’s Life Styles As They Age
AGE Favorite Drink 17 beer 25 good beer 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 Maalox
Favorite Pick-Up Line
17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend. 66 My second wife is dead.
17 sex 25 sex 35 sex 48 sex 66 napping
17 pot 25 coke 35 really good coke 48 power 66 Midol & Tylenol
Definition of a Successful Date
17 “kiss” 25 “breakfast” 35 “She didn’t set back my therapy.” 48 “I didn’t bump into her kids.” 66 “Got home alive.”
17 Stephen King triple feature at a drive-in 25 “Split the check before we go back to my place” 35 “Just come over.” 48 “Just come over and cook.” 66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank
What is the ideal age to get married?
17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17
The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she’d pipe up, “Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?” “No, lady, not yet. I’ll let you know,” he replied, time after time.
The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the breaks, pulled over and called out, “This is where you get out, lady.” “Is this Oriskany Falls?” “YES!” he bellowed. “Get out!” “Oh, I’m going all the way to Albany, sonny,” she explained sweetly. “It’s just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill.”
The theater usher quickly dashed down front where a man was crawling around on his hands and knees. “Sir,” he said, “you’re disturbing several people around you. What’s the problem?”
“I’ve lost my gum! said the man as the continued to search around the seats.
“Sir,” the usher said, “if that’s your only problem, let me offer you another stick of gum so you can sit down and watch the show. A stick of gum is not worth all this disturbance.”
“But I’m afraid you don’t understand,” explained the man, “my false teeth are in that gum!”
In the not too distant past – I remember very well – Grandmas tended to their knitting, and their cookies were just swell.
They were always at the ready, when you needed some advice. And their sewing (I can tell you) Was available – and nice.
Well, Grandma’s not deserted you. She dearly loves you still. You just won’t find her cooking, but she’s right there at the till.
She thinks about you daily – you haven’t been forsook. Your photos are quite handy, in her Pentium notebook.
She scans your art work now though, and combines it with cool sounds, to make electronic greetings. She prints pictures by the pounds.
She’s right there when you need her, You really aren’t alone. She’s out now with her “puter” pals, but she took her new cell phone.
You can also leave a message on her answering machine; or page her at the fun meet. She’s been there since nine fifteen.
Yes, the world’s a very different place, there is no doubt of that. So “E” her from her web page, or join her in a chat.
She’s joined the electronic age, and it really seems to suit her. So don’t expect the same old gal, cause Grandma’s gone “Computer.”
Old Age Poem
Just a line to say I’m living, That I’m not among the dead. Tho’ I’m getting more forgetful, And more mixed up in the head.
For sometimes I can’t remember When I stand at the foot of the stair, If I must go up for something Or if I’ve just come down from there.
And before the “fridge” so often My poor mind is filled with doubt- Have I just put the food away, Or have I come to take it out?
And then at times, when it’s dark outside And with my nightcap on my head, I don’t know if I’m retiring- Or just getting out of bed!
So, if it’s my turn to write you, There’s no need in getting sore. I may think I’ve already written And so don’t want to be a bore.
So remember that I think of you And wish that you were here. And, now the mailman’s coming, So I must say “Good Bye, My Dear”.
And here I stand beside the mailbox With a face so very red! Instead of mailing you the letter, I have opened it instead!!!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Always remember you’re unique - just like everyone else.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.