January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #48 - Quotes, one liners, and COFFEE!!
I had WAY too many of these one-liners and silly quotes hanging around so I thought that I would Package them up together and then see how many of them catch on.
Package #49 will be a special guest-moderated Package by Nhi in the UK. Anyone else interested in being a guest-moderator, please let me know and we will make arrangements.
By the way, there are still over 350 of you for whom I have no name or city and state information. Please be aware that you will be unable to unsubscribe from the list without giving me at least your name and country. Just Email me at WILD@CYBERUS.CA with your name, your sity and state, and the country in which you live and I’ll take care of the rest of the details.
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. The remainder of this Package is free for distribution privided the subscription instructions remain intact at the end.
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” Lao-Tsze
Hindsight is an exact science.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
“If at first you don’t succeed you’re running about average.” M.H. Alderson
“Even rats learn from experience.” George Skarbek
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
“We are all special cases.” Albert Camus
Man is a social animal who dislikes his fellow beings.
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” Mark Twain
“All animals are created equal, but some are more equal than others.” George Orwell
“It is only when they go wrong that machines remind you how powerful they are.” Clive James
“There is no force so powerful as an idea whose time has come.” Everett Dirkson
The more times you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.
“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.” Groucho Marx
“A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the wrong time.” Teyve
Anyone who uses the phrase ‘easy as taking candy from a baby’ has never tried taking candy from a baby.
“A Woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” Nancy Reagan
If John F Kennedy was reading this sentence, Lee Harvey Oswald would have missed.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, obviously you have no conception of the magnitude of the problem.
I’m sorry, sir, that line is busy till Monday. Would you hold please?
“I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way.” Franklin P. Adams
“A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.” Joey Adams
Be content with your lot; one cannot be first in everything. –Aesop
Definition of a Cult: not enough people to make a minority.
I’m not getting paid much for staying alive but it’s good experience.
Use your own judgment then do as I say
Just when I was getting used to yesterday… Along came today.
There’s nothing wrong with growing older, but where does it lead?
No wonder I feel so tired – I’m older now than I’ve ever been before.
It’s hard to face tomorrow, but it’s easier than facing no tomorrow.
Let’s put the blame where it belongs: on somebody else.
If only our great thinkers could learn to talk, and our great talkers could learn to think!
How can I fail when I have no purpose?
It’s hard to remain true to a changing self.
When I find true wisdom, I’ll let you know, (if letting you know still seems important).
My life has a superb cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
It’s easier to see how funny life is when somebody else is living it.
It’s easy to come and go… The hard thing is to remain.
History records no more gallant struggle than that of humanity against the truth.
I’m looking for freedom — can you direct me?
Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie” until you can find a rock.
“Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.” Arthur C Clarke
If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.
“I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There’s a knob called ‘brightness,’ but it doesn’t work.” Gallagher
“To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.” Warren’s Rule
“The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win you’re still a rat.” Lily Tomlin
“Experience – a comb life gives you after you loose your hair.” Judith Stern
“Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents’ shortcomings.” Laurence J Peter
“Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.” Laurence J Peter
“Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.” G J Nathan
“The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.” Fran Lebowitz
“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.” Jones’ Law
“Experience enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.” F P Jones
“It is always good policy to tell the truth unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.” Jerome K Jerome
“Boys will be boys and so will a lot of middle aged men.” Kin Hubbard
“Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.” Graffiti
“The most popular labour saving device today is still a husband with money.” Joey Adams
WEILER’S LAW: Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.
FINAGLE’S LAW: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
UNNAMED LAW: If it happens, it must be possible.
“One Galileo in two thousand years is enough.” Pope Pius XII
“QUIT is a four letter word!” PC-Hack v. 3.05
It figures. If there is Artificial Intelligence, then there’s bound to be some artificial stupidity.
“Just because something doesn’t do what you planned it to do doesn’t mean it’s useless.’ T. Edison
Reality is for people who can’t cope with drugs.
“If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we’d all be millionaires.” Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby)
“After all is said and done, sit down.” Bill Copeland
Egotism is the drug that soothes the pain of stupidity.
“I voted for the Republicans because I didn’t like the way the Democrats were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.” Jack Mayberry
“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” Elayne Boosler
“Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?” John Mendoza
“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.” Bob Ettinger
“I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I literally bought a congressman.” Bruce Baum
“I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vaccuum cleaners.” Jeff Stilson [editor’s followup: some of us don’t like to USE them, is that different?]
“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.” Jerry Seinfeld
“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.” David Letterman
“A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.” Jake Johansen
“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.” Lily Tomlin
“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here…‘” Jerry Seinfeld
“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, ‘Oh my gosh… I could be eating a slow learner.‘” Lynda Montgomery
“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.” Paul Rodriguez
YOU KNOW YOU’RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN …
… Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. … You ski uphill. … You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked. … You speed walk in your sleep. … You answer the door before people knock. … You haven’t blinked since 1985. … You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit. … You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. … You have to watch videos in fast-forward. … The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake. … You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. … You lick your coffeepot clean. … You spend every vacation visiting “Maxwell House.” … You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there. … You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. … Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. … You chew on other people’s fingernails. … The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. … Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s coffee.” … Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. … You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. … You can jump-start your car without cables. … Cocaine is a downer. … All your kids are named “Joe.” … You don’t need a hammer to pound in nails. … Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.” … You don’t sweat, you percolate. … You buy milk by the barrel. … You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug. … You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. … You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in. … You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. … Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. … You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. … People get dizzy just watching you. … You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table. … The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you. … Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. … Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. … You’re so wired, you pick up FM radio. … People can test their batteries in your ears. … Instant coffee takes too long. … You channel surf faster without a remote. … When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.” … You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. … Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. … You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. … You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.” … You get drunk just so you can sober up. … You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. … Your Thermos is on wheels. … Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. … You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. … You can outlast the Energizer bunny. … You short out motion detectors. … You have a conniption over spilled milk. … You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore. … Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. … You think being called a “drip” is a compliment. … You don’t tan, you roast. … You can’t even remember your second cup. … You help your dog chase its tail. … You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. … Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. … You introduce your spouse as your ‘coffeemate’. … You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.” … Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.