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January 1, 0001


HumourList Package #47 - Why is everybody always picking on me?

The web pages have been updated, have a look: http://www.cyberus.ca/~wild/humour/

Package #47 finds us with 449 subscribers. Since Package #45, we’ve gained almost 50 new people; that’s awesome! Keep spreading the word.

‘ListMan’, the custom software being written by George V at Prime Time Software, based in San Diego, California, should be ready for testing within a few weeks. Hey, all you beta testers, I still have your Email addresses and you will be contacted as soon as I have a test copy ready to try out.

This Package is based around one simple theme: picking on people, places and things in life. Why? Just ‘cause. So often, we get teased or ridiculed in life about silly things, that start off so innocent, like … asking who the new girl was that works in your Uncle’s store. Next thing you know, they’re marrying you off, and trying to act so helpful about it.

Just kidding. I really do love my Aunt and Uncle in Bancroft. I went to see them again this weekend, and I didn’t see that young lady mentioned in Package #46. One of the other girls that works at their store made a comment of, “Ian, that’s two weekends in a row – there must be a girl up here that you’re interested in…” Moi?

So, I’ve decided that this Package is going to pick on everybody else for a change, including Dennis Rodman, various states in the US, and a few other things. Enjoy!


Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. ( the jokes may be forwarded provided you also forward the subscription instructions at the end )


PICKING ON: PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON

President Clinton has admitted to drinking the night of his recent knee injury. When questioned about this he replied, “I was drinking but I didn’t swallow.”

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PICKING ON: DENNIS RODMAN

The top 15 action movies starring Dennis Rodman

  1. Feets of Fury

  2. The Worminator

  3. CrossDressinator II: Salon Day

  4. Dante’s Freak

  5. Dennis: The Menace

  6. Pierced Shaft

  7. Kickboxer III: Out-of-Court Settlement

  8. Indiana Jones and the Freak from the NBA

  9. Alien, Too

  10. Four Wedding Dresses And A Strong Rebounding, Weak-Shooting Forward

  11. (removed due to crudeness)

  12. Batman Comes Out!

  13. Dye Hard

  14. (removed due to crudeness)

  15. Beavis and Head-Butt

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ]

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PICKING ON: ENGINEERS

Q: What do you get when you cross an engineer with a woodwind player?

A: Someone with three piccolos, a flute, and two clarinets in his shirt pocket.

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PICKING ON: Colorado

During the recent snowstorm in Colorado, one family sent its little boy to stay with an uncle in another part of the state, accompanied by a letter explaining the reason for the nephew’s sudden and unexpected visit.

Two days later the parents received a telegram: “Am returning boy. Send the snow.”

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PICKING ON: NEWT GINGRICH

The federal government has taken steps to make airbags less powerful and less likely to cause harm, or even to inactivate them completely.

Looks like one of the first ones affected will be the Speaker of the House of Representatives, Newt Gingrich.

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PICKING ON: MICROSOFT

July 7, 1997 (Seattle) – Microsoft announced today that it will provide office furniture with its software. The next release of Windows, code named Naugahyde, will include the Microsoft Chair at no extra charge.

“This is a natural for us,” a Microsoft spokesperson said. “We’ve conquered the desktop, so we’re looking at way of expanding our installed base.” The spokesperson denied accusations that bundling constitutes an unfair competitive advantage. “We’re just listening to our customers. They’ve asked for more built in features, and who doesn’t use a chair when they’re at their computer? Especially when they’re waiting for Windows to reboot.”

Beta testers noted its large footprint and found the chair to lack substantial features found in most of the competition. But when asked if they dislike it enough to purchase another vendor’s furniture, most stated that they would just take what Microsoft had to offer.

Also in the works is a small seat, dubbed the Microsoft Stool, soon to be bundled with laptops. Beta testers were surprised to find the backless chair at their doorsteps. “Then again, it’s not the first time we’ve received a shrink-wrapped stool sample from Microsoft,” noted one breathless customer.

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PICKING ON: PETE ROSE

LOS ANGELES (DWPI) – Baseball legend Pete Rose was inducted into the Bad Haircut Hall of Fame today in a unanimous vote. Rose joins fellow coif-challenged inductees Ted Koppel, Sam Donaldson, Dennis Rodman and Avery Schreiber in the newly-built Moe Howard Wing.

Reported by Alan Smithee

[Editor’s note: Hey! What about Don King?!]

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PICKING ON: AMERICANS (hey, I’m Canadian, that’s my job…)

Top 10 reasons for being American:

  1. You can have a woman president without electing her.

  2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.

  3. You can call Budweiser beer.

  4. If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything.

  5. If you’ve got a driver’s license you can get a gun.

  6. You can invent a new public holiday every year.

  7. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.

  8. You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy.”

  9. You can be Irish and American at the same time.

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PICKING ON: REDNECKS

Invited to a wedding reception by a relative, a hillbilly and his son travel to the big city for the first time.

After eating a lot of salty food, the father is thirsty and continually sends his son for water.

After the last trip the kid comes back empty-handed. The father asks, “So where’s my water, boy?”

“Couldn’t get any this trip, Pa. Some guy’s sitting on the well.”

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PICKING ON: MIKE TYSON

“Mike Tyson Excuses” 6/30/97 LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

  1. Got a little carried away after seeing “Face/Off”

  2. Really wanted to win first prize on “America’s Funniest Home Videos”

  3. Like this doesn’t happen every year in the Masters

  4. Whenever Moe bites Curly’s ear, it’s hilarious!

  5. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith

  6. I guess you’ve never heard of a little thing called “strategy”

  7. Ears is tasty

  8. “It was self-defense – he wouldn’t stop punching me”

  9. “Disqualified” sounds better than “got his butt kicked all over the ring”

  10. He ran out of gum

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PICKING ON: LAWYERS

A hindu, a rabbi, and a lawyer are traveling together and need to stop for the night. So they stop at the next farmhouse, and find lodging, with the qualification that the house is only big enough for two of them, and one will have to sleep in the barn. So the hindu volunteers and goes out to sleep in the barn while the lawyer and rabbi sleep in the house. A few minutes later, however, the lawyer and rabbi hear a knock on the door, and opening it, find the hindu who protests “There is a cow in the barn. Surely you can’t expect me to sleep with cattle.” So the rabbi and the lawyer agree that perhaps the rabbi should trade places with the hindu, and the rabbi goes out. Within a short time, the hindu and the lawyer are getting ready to go to sleep, when again there is a knock on the door.
Opening the door they find the rabbi protesting, “There is a pig in the barn. Surely you can’t expect me to sleep with a pig!“. Weary of the whole problem by this time, the lawyer pulls the rabbi into the house, grabs a blanket and heads for the barn. Almost immediately, there is a third knocking at the door, and opening the door they find the pig and the cow…..

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PICKING ON: AMERICA ONLINE (AOL)

For those of you not on AOL, I’m told they have recently started popping up a message after certain times of connectivity as a reminder, also checking to make sure you are really there and active:

You have been online for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay online? Please respond within 10 minutes or you will be logged off.

You have been online for 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there ARE other people in the world who would like to sign on. Let’s show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, whaddya say?

You DO realize that you’ve been online for 184 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside?

OK. This is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you’re starting to tick us off! If you sign off now, we’ll bring back your Buddy List OK? Yep, Finally.

You have been online for 360 minutes now!! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can’t you just finish up NOW and go read a good book?

You have been online for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members’ names?

You have been online for 513 minutes. Your husband has left you and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain online?

You have been online 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord….

You have been online 852 minutes, do you KNOW how many HOURS that is???”

You have been online for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day due to busy phone lines? Please sign-off to reduce these averages, or go to keyword: CLASS ACTION to join a lawsuit.

You have been online for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited they didn’t think you would take it literally. No get the heck offline before we go broke!

You have been on 1,013 minutes. This is Steve I need to sign on myself and answer some mail. Could you please sign off? Thanks!

You have been cybering for 1059 minutes, didn’t your mom ever tell you that’d make you go blind? Please sign off now while you can still read this message.

You have been on 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? Geez click OK already!!!

You have been on 1151 minutes, welcome to our team… see job application enclosed. (if you can’t beat em hire em) Don’t return by Email.

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PICKING ON: HILLARY CLINTON

Recently rejected state motto for Alaska:

"COLD AS HILLARY"

Jay Leno, Tonite Show, 2/20/97

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PICKING ON: CHELSEA CLINTON [Editor’s Note: heck, might as well just make fun of the whole family…]

The Top 16 Chelsea Clinton Pet Peeves About College

  1. Every time she cuts her 8am class, CNN switches to a live feed from the lecture hall.

  2. PoliSci textbook only contains pictures from her “dumpy” years.

  3. Social life hampered by mandatory Secret Service body cavity search of potential dates.

  4. No room in dorm for all those boxes of missing Whitewater documents.

  5. Daddy won’t sign the Cafeteria Food Reform Bill.

  6. No one wants to waste good pot on a Clinton.

  7. Steamy makeout sessions usually end with the guy getting his butt kicked by the Secret Service.

  8. Tipper no longer around to clean up after her and Socks.

  9. Every boy who hits on you winds up on a “peacekeeping force” in Bosnia within 48 hours.

  10. Constant comparisons to notable Stanford alum Ted Koppel usually refer to physical resemblance.

  11. Bourbon shots not free like the ones “Uncle Ted” serves back home.

  12. Drunken frat boys always confusing her with Amy Carter.

  13. Football coach keeps begging her to get Janet Reno to enroll.

  14. RA’s write you up if the Chinese Delegates stay past midnight.

  15. Anatomy lab cadaver none other than Al Gore.

and the Number 1 Chelsea Clinton Pet Peeve About College…

  1. The man makes 200 grand a year – you’d think he could bring his own weed when he visits.

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]

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PICKING ON: MICROSOFT (again)

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 – In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.

“It’s actually a logical extension of our planned growth”, said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, “It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone”.

Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be “minimal”. The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by “Q4 1999 at latest”, according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had “willingly and enthusiastically” accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as “a relief”. He went on to say that Gates has a “proven track record”, and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their “full support and confidence”. Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.

Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as “silly”, though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would “of course” be abolished. “Microsoft isn’t a democracy”, he observed, “and look how well we’re doing”.

When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, “We don’t deny that discussions are taking place”. Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.

About Microsoft

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ “MSFT”) is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.

About the United States

Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.

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