January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #46 - Misc Jokes
This Package is late, I know, but hey – I was too busy relaxing for a change this past weekend; I spent the weekend at my Aunt and Uncle’s about 3 hours out of town (okay, closer two and half the way I drive)
Got lots of sleep, ate lots of food (hey, Bancroft has got a McDonald’s now, so you KNOW they’re moving up in the world), went to church with them and have a funny feeling that they’re going to try and ‘introduce’ (read: set up, hook up, marry off) me to some nice- looking young lady that not only works in their store, but sings at their church.
No, mom, I’m not likely going to start anything – she’s in grade 10, which means she’s about 16 or MAYBE 17 at most. The Burkes say she’s very nice though, and she sings really well.
Maybe that’s an ulterior motive to going back this weekend?
Anyhow, this Package is going to be a little longer than normal too – I’ve got WAY too much humour piling up.
To forewarn you, I am looking at having a ‘guest moderator’ do a Package sometime next month. Of course, he’ll have to wade through all my jokes and find some that are funny, but I’m sure he’ll do a great job. Expect it out for #50 or thereabouts. If anyone else is interested in guest moderating, let me know (firstname.lastname@example.org).
Oh yeah, and I apologize for sending last week’s Package twice: it was a clerical error on my part.
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
Q: What is the difference between stress and tension? A: Tension is when your wife is pregnant and stress is when your secretary is pregnant.
A patient goes to a psychiatrist for the first time and is given some tests. The psychiatrist draws a circle and says, “What does this make you think of?”
The psychiatrist draws a tree and repeats his question.
“Sex,” the patient answers again.
The psychiatrist proceeds to draw simple figures of all sorts… a house, a car, an apple, and so on… each time getting the same response. Sex, sex, and sex. Finally the psychiatrist says, “You have an obsession with sex.”
The patient says, “Me? You’re the one who’s drawing all those dirty pictures!”
Definition: Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH
The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians…. and you check the table of contents.
You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hits during the 60’s.
You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms.
You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn’t listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: “Who gave you this trash?”
You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
And the number one sign that you may not be reading your Bible enough:
- The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: “Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors.”
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman’s face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin… however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!! He replied, “Oh don’t worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks every time your mother comes over and kisses you on the cheek!”
10 CLUES THAT YOU’VE GONE OVERBOARD ON HOME IMPROVEMENT
You’ve built a drive-through car wash in the second slot of your 2-car garage.
You’ll use any excuse to add a new room onto the house, including needing more space for the newest addition to the family – your daughter’s goldfish Buffy.
Even Martha Stewart has deemed your multi-level, hydraulically- operated kitchen is “a bit overdone.”
You’ve converted the standard stall shower into a “bathing waterfall,” complete with tropical plants.
Your rear-projection, surround-sound TV room can comfortably seat 43, and you’re trying to make arrangements with Universal for first run films.
Your dog has a duplex dog house out back, even though he sleeps in bed with you every night.
The local building department says you can’t add a fourth floor to a house that was originally zoned as a single level dwelling.
You bought and demolished your next door neighbors house to make room for an Olympic size swimming pool.
You’ve installed a small freight elevator going to your attic.
You’ve built an FAA-approved helipad on your roof.
Newstead, New York – A man was charged with felony drunken driving after being pulled over on his way to court to answer the same charge, police said.
James Hicks, 55, of Buffalo, was stopped by sheriffs responding to a complaint of a motorist drinking vodka from the bottle about 5:30PM Wednesday, authorities said.
According to the Erie County Sheriff’s office, Hicks admitted he had been drinking since about 10AM and was killing time before a scheduled court appearance for a drunken driving arrest May 2.
Each arrest occurred in the town of Newstead, just east of Buffalo.
Hicks had a blood-alcohol level of .27 percent – nearly three times the legal limit – after his first arrest. His level was .28 percent Wednesday.
Hicks was arraigned at Newstead Town Court, where Judge Dennis Freeman set bail at $5,000.
I have been following the thread of letters for the past few weeks following the column about the Ticketmaster/Microsoft lawsuit. [Editor’s note: Ticketmaster was suing Microsoft for using their logo on MSN; if I am mistaken, someone please correct me] Both Microsoft and Ticketmaster are corporations that generate a lot of heated debate about their business practices, mostly having to do with emotions instead of facts or logic. I would like to throw in my two cents worth.
Here are some facts that were reported in Newsweek’s June 16 issue.
1: Paul Allen is the co-founder of Microsoft and a major stock holder ($12 billion).
2: Paul Allen owns 47.5 percent of Ticketmaster. (True, he is trying to dump the stock at a profit, the subject of the article.)
3: Paul Allen is a billionaire who is suing himself.
4: Right now I am laughing so hard I keep sliding out of my chair.
Thank you. I just had to say this to somebody.
Ralph Davis Sacramento, Calif.
MOSCOW. The Russian space authority has today successfully launched an unmanned supply ship, Progress M-35. It carries much needed material for repairing space station Mir, which was damaged when another supply ship crashed into it. Progress M-35 is scheduled to collide with Mir on Monday.
[Editor’s Note: for my cousin Brad in West Hollywood…]
Debate continues after the North Hollywood bank shootout about whether the LAPD should be more heavily armed. “Right now, all the cops carry are 9 millimeters and their latest scripts.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)
DADS – How many of these have you said?
- Don’t ask me, ask your mother.
- Were you raised in a barn?
- Close the door.
- You didn’t beat me. I let you win.
- Big boys don’t cry.
- Don’t worry. It’s only blood.
- Don’t you know any normal boys?
- Now you listen to ME, Buster!
- I’ll play catch after I read the paper.
- Coffee will stunt your growth.
- A little dirt never hurt anyone, just wipe it off..
- Get your elbows off the table.
- I told you, keep your eye on the ball.
- Who said life was supposed to be fair.
- Always say please and thank you. That way, you get more.
- If you forget, you’ll be grounded till the end of the world.
- You call that a haircut?
- “Hey” is for horses.
- This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
- Turn off those lights.
- Do you think I am made of money?
- Don’t give me any of your lip, young lady.
- You call that noise “music”?
- We’re not lost. I’m just not sure where we are.
- No, we’re not there yet.
- Shake it off. It’s only pain.
- When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.
- As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules.
- I’ll tell you why. Because I said so. That’s why.
- Do what I say, not what I do.
- Sit up straight, knucklehead!
- So you think you’re smart, do you?
- What’s so funny? Wipe that smile off your face.
- Young ladies perspire, they do not sweat.
- If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times.
- C’mon, you throw like a girl.
- You want something to do? I’ll give you something to do.
- You should visit more often. Your mother worries.
- This is your last warning.
- If you shake it more than three times, you’re playing with it.
- I’m not sleeping, I was watching that channel.
- What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off?
- I’m not just talking to hear my own voice!
- Don’t believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.
- What do you think I am, a bank?
- What part of NO don’t you understand?
- I don’t care what other people are doing! I’m not everybody else’s father!
- You’re not leaving my house dressed like that! What will other parents think?
- Could those sleeves be any longer? You look like a bag lady!
- Headache remedy: Put your head through the window and the pain will be gone.
- Worrying about things you can’t change is like a rocking chair… it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.
- Hurt much? I didn’t feel a thing.
- I feel for you, but I can’t reach you from here.
- If you’re gonna be dumb, you’ve gotta be tough.
- Didn’t your teacher learn you anything?!
- You can marry a rich guy just as easily as you can a poor guy.
- It’s hard to be good, and easy to be bad.
- If you’re going to steal a car, at least make it a Cadillac (but don’t call me asking for bail.)
- I got my tongue wrapped around my eyetooth and couldn’t see what I was saying.
- Men are like buses. Just wait on the corner and another one will come along.
- Don’t tell on anybody unless you tell on yourself first.
- Hey, did you hear me talking to you?
- You know you’re always gonna be Daddy’s little girl.
- I’m not watching television. I’m resting my eyes.
- Don’t use that tone with me!
- Am I talking to a brick wall?
- If I catch you doing that one more time, I’ll..
- Act your age.
- Two wrongs do not make a right.
- Wipe your feet!
- Enough is enough!
- Don’t make me stop the car!
- What did I just get finished telling you?
At the department store where I worked, two women were employed to
demonstrate the uses of a multipurpose kitchen slicer. One day,
while their booth was unattended, the phone rang at the register.
The caller asked to speak to the demonstrator.
“We have two,” said the head cashier. “A skinny one and a fat one. Which one do you want?”
“The skinny one,” the voice replied. “This IS the fat one!”
Miami, Florida – Federal Express sponsors the Orange Bowl, Nokia the Sugar Bowl. How about the Pizza Hut “Booze-It-And-Lose-It” Bowl?
A new twist on corporate sponsorship premiers this Memorial Day weekend when Pizza Hut workers join more than 1,000 police officers at DUI checkpoints throughout the state.
Bad drivers get tickets, or a trip to jail. Good drivers get coupons for free pizza.
“This is new one for law enforcement,” said Major Ken Howes, chief spokesman for the Florida Highway Patrol.
The “Booze-It-And-Lose-It” theme for holiday crackdowns has been around for years, Howes said. “But the Pizza Hut involvement gives us an opportunity to reward safe driving,” Howes said, “and to say thanks to the people who may be inconvenienced by these checkpoints.”
It’s a first-of-a-kind venture for Pizza Hut.
“It may sound like a strange partnership, but our business depends on safe driving … for employees and customers,” said Tracey Altman, Pizza Hut spokeswoman in Dallas. “This is a way to promote safety … and to help introduce a new product, ‘Totally New Pizza.’ “
Who qualifies for the coupon?
A safe driver, Altman and Howes say, is one who is sober, wearing a seat belt, has kids in child restraints and has up to date license, registration and insurance papers.
The Postal Service wants to raise first-class postage by two cents. Most customers won’t experience the hike until next year. Says Ray, it will take them that long to reach the front of the line.
The Top 15 Signs You’re Married to a Hockey Player
Eating the last Fig Newton gets you bodychecked into the fridge.
He’s very sensitive on the topic of “stick curvature.”
When eating steak, asks you to chew it for him.
After going out, makes you line up and shake hands with all his ex-girlfriends.
Constantly gets the urge to whack “Whiskers” out the cat door with a broom.
It’s bad enough he consummates lovemaking by shouting, “He scores!” – was it really necessary to install the red light above his bed?
During arguments he sends you to the penalty box for “2 minutes for getting me mad.”
He refuses to valet park the Zamboni.
For breakfast, she hands each kid a spoon and tosses an Eggo in the middle of the table.
For your anniversary, gives you a charm bracelet made of his teeth.
Demanded credit for an assist when you kissed his best friend.
Favorite Meal: Dinner in a Blender
and the Number 1 Sign You’re Married to a Hockey Player…
- Talks funny and likes to beat up people, but doesn’t come from Alabama.
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