January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #44 - Relationships (the continuing saga)
I’m still as single as they come, but this Package is dedicated to J.T. and Carla, the two coolest people I can think of right after lunch, who just got engaged a week and a half ago. Tell me ladies, what better place to be proposed to, than a tower that stands 1780 feet in the air, in a restaurant that rotates 360 degrees?
I don’t know if the dinner was before or after the ‘Phantom of the Opera’ show, but I do know that J.T. called me at 1am that night to tell me the good news.
You can almost hear the music fading in: dah-dah-dah … Another one bites the dust …
Anyone wanting to send along notes of congratulations can do so: firstname.lastname@example.org
Staying in his dorm room this past weekend, J.T. told me to tell some jokes for his roommate, Matty. “Give me a topic” is my usual response. “Relationships” was the topic, and when I told him that was almost too general, he says, “Dating.” Feel free to rub some salt in that wound of mine, buddy.
So, this Package is all about relationships, and more specifically, marriage and dating.
By the way J.T.: I left my phone number at Kendra’s in case she wants to call me. (to the rest of you: Kendra is a friend of Carla and J.T. who they were trying to set me up with)
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
A personal guide to what men should say to their wife or girlfriend, when they get caught looking at another woman:
“I can’t believe that outfit she is wearing.” (Said disdainfully)
“Look at that guy… over there… behind the woman.”
“I think that’s a man dressed as a woman.” (Incredulous)
“Isn’t that the actress from the movie Delicatessen?” (Chances are she hasn’t seen that movie- and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her)
“I think that’s the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case.”
“Help me, I got something in my eye… can’t see a thing!”
“I was staring off into space because I was about to have an epiphany about the direction of my life and the nature of my love for you, but its gone now, thank you very much!”
“Hey that’s the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron.”
“I know you’re probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick.” It helps if you convulse a little at the end here… maybe it will camouflage your drool.
“I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you.” (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try)
“Do you think she’s prettier than me?” (give her a taste of her own medicine)
If Men got pregnant…
… maternity leave would last two years … with full pay
… there would be a cure for stretch marks
… natural childbirth would become obsolete
… morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem
… all methods of birth control would be 100% effective
… children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained
… men would be eager to talk about commitment
… they wouldn’t think twins were so cute
… sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM
… briefcases would be used as diaper bags
… paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes
… they’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy
… restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees
… women would rule the world
Top … Least Effective Dating Tips (portions removed due to crudeness)
Have state troopers extend the invitation for that all-important first date.
Be sure to point out the “Blimp Effect” of those horizontal stripes she’s wearing.
Don’t let him skip out by claiming to go to the bathroom – follow him.
Before asking for the waiter’s phone number, borrow a buck from your date for a tip.
On your first golf date, ask her if she’ll help you look for the real killers.
If she still lives with her parents, give her dad your bail bondsman’s business card, “just in case.”
Ask politely if your date minds waiting in the car while you talk to your Parole Officer.
If she’s a dog lover, skip the good-night kiss and just lick her face.
Nothing says “I like you” like a big hunk of headcheese.
Red wine for dumpster meals, white for road kill.
“How do I love thee? Let me belch the ways.”
and the Number 1 Least Effective Dating Tip…
- Never try to impress your date with snot sculptures unless you
have enough mucous to finish.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List email@example.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
First Guy: “What was your first clue that it was going to be a lousy date?”
Second Guy: “When I showed up, she was wearing a T-shirt that said, ‘If you can read this, you’re too close.’”
In her own eyes, Peggy was the most popular girl around. “A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry.”
“Really?” said her date, “And just how many men are you intending to marry?”
Marriage is like a midnight phone call… you get a ring, and then you wake up.
Marriage is nature’s way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.
Marriage is like a railroad sign… first you stop, then you look, then you listen.
The BEST Reason I’ve Seen for Avoiding Online Romances:
Alexandria, Virginia – It was one thing that Margaret Anne Hunter never saw her new husband undressed, or that no one from his family came to their wedding.
But she stopped believing her husband, Thorne Wesley Jameson Groves, when his parents finally called and asked to speak to “Holly.”
Four months after she got married following a relationship that began on the Internet, Hunter is suing: It turns out her husband was really a woman.
Holly Anne Groves, 26, of Bryan, Texas, pretended to be a man dying of AIDS to avoid sex, Hunter says in a $575,000 fraud lawsuit.
Throughout their courtship and marriage, Groves’ breasts were covered with heavy bandages, which she said were needed because of rib injuries from a car wreck, the suit said.
Hunter, 24, of Alexandria, wants reimbursement for money she spent on food, transportation and telephone calls during the relationship.
[Editor’s note: what about the THERAPY bills?]
Although same-sex marriage is illegal in Virginia, Hunter also wants an annulment “to rest any questions as to her marital status,” according to court papers.
She said she no longer uses online services. Computer users “need to be increasingly careful with whom they speak,” she said.
“Holly had such credible and detailed explanations, excuses and personal history… There was nothing that gave my client or other people pause,” said Seth Guggenheim, Hunter’s lawyer.
There were clues, however. Although Groves said she had AIDS, she never mentioned doctors or medical bills. Hunter confirmed Groves’ identity through copies of her birth certificate and passport.
Janis Groves, Holly Groves’ mother, said her daughter declined comment on the lawsuit, which was filed last month.
WhiteBoard News for Friday, December 20, 1996
The Ten Commandments of Love
I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.
II. Thou shalt not take the name of they Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back.
III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.
IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too darn weird.
V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee.
VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what’s good for thee.
VII. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.
VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house.
X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW …
A Guide To Women
[Editor’s note: This one’s gonna get me in trouble…]
Women, by nature, are evil. It is only when we understand this simple concept that men can ever hope to understand women. Hopefully, with these guidelines, men will have a better understanding of the mysterious ways of womankind.
The first thing one must remember about a woman is that she knows everything. This is without exception. To go as far as say that a woman knows what you are thinking is not unrealistic. If, at any point of time, you are unsure of what you are thinking, one of the best ways to find out is to ask the nearest woman.
But, unfortunately, there is a drawback to asking a woman such a question. This drawback is that she, in all probability, will answer. And once a woman starts talking, it is very rare that she will ever stop. I believe this has something to do with the way that women think. Women believe that as long as they are talking, people are listening. Of course, listening to a woman talk can be very tedious at times. It is OK not to listen to her as long as you nod your head in agreement and say “Uh-huh” every now and then. This makes the woman think you are listening and therefore she is happy.
Happiness is a good thing in a woman. If a woman is not happy, all hell breaks loose. In order to help a woman keep a state of happiness, one should buy her gifts for various reasons. These reasons include the one-month anniversary, the one-year anniversary, Presidents Day, and any day whose date is a multiple of one.
[Editor’s note: and any day ending in ‘y’, or month whose name contains a vowel]
These gifts could be in the conventional form of flowers and candy, or for greater happiness, cars and real estate.
Often, when a woman says something, it is not what she means. But, other times, she says exactly what she means. It is only possible to distinguish these two cases if you are a woman. Since women already know the nature of women, this is of no use to them. For men, we can only hope to distinguish the difference, for a mistake in judgement can result in death.
Women know what men want. This is very strange, because even men sometimes don’t know what they want. However, I must observe that it seems that what men want for the most part is women. This is unfortunate, for women know this fact and know that it is possible for them to do almost anything and this fact will not change.
Women have a very delicate nature. It is virtually impossible to keep one happy all of the time. It is totally impossible to know what one is thinking or feeling. And it is also impossible for us men, knowing how evil they are, not to love them. Women. You can’t live with ‘em. And, you can’t live with ‘em.