January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #43 - Work, Misc Jokes
Sorry again for the delay folks. It’s hard to keep up with a busy life at work and try and keep almost 400 subscribers happy by sending out regular Packages. I’m hoping things will calm down by November.
It was recently NOT brought to my attention that my welcome message
to new subscribers doesn’t contain the latest Email address: it’s
still telling you folks to send commands to HUMOURLIST@GEOCITIES.COM.
That could explain why I’m seeing a lot of activity on that account still.
I was surprised that no-one caught on. Anyhow, the change will be made later tonight. Please send any commands from the welcome packet to HUMOURLIST@CYBERUS.CA instead.
Isn’t amazing how much humour you can find at work? This Package is full of jokes concerning work, or misc jokes that happen in the workplace. Some are actually idiot-related, some are actually about work (or lack thereof).
Sit back, drink your coffee, and relax. Friday is right around the corner. Christmas is down the hall to your left.
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the ‘unbreakable’ comb for everyone to see and said,
“And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside…”
A salesman is called into his bosses office.
His Boss says, “Paul, have a seat. As you know, this financial year is not going well. Sales are down, along with productivity. Our costly advertising campaign is not generating enough interest and we’re looking to cut costs.
“Anyway, all that is besides the point. No-one likes you and your fired.”
Paddy is walking across a building site and sees the foreman pouring coffee from a Thermos. “What’s that you’ve got there, foreman?” says Paddy. “It’s a Thermos,” says the foreman. “And what does that do?” asks Paddy. “Well”, says the foreman, “if you put anything hot in it then it stays hot, and if you put anything cold in it then it stays cold.” “I’ll be a monkey’s uncle,” says Paddy, “I must get myself one of those.”
Next days Paddy is sitting having his lunch when in comes Mick. “What’s that there, Paddy?” asks Mick. “Wouldn’t you know, it’s a Thermos,” says Paddy. “And what does that do?” asks Mick. “Well”, says Paddy, “if you put anything hot in it then it stays hot, and if you put anything cold in it then it stays cold”. “That’s marvelous”, says Mick, “and what have you got in there?”
“Well,” says Paddy, “Two cups of tea and some ice-cream.”
Top Ten Signs You Work in a Bad Office
Bathroom key tied to an angry ferret.
Christmas bonus is a swig from the company thermos.
Office intercom is two soup cans and a piece of string.
Hard to concentrate with all those “60 Minutes” reporters hanging around.
Boss walks around wearing nothing but a Post-It note.
Every week, each cubicle is subdivided into four smaller cubicles.
Instead of White-Out, you’re encouraged to use mayonnaise.
After a few hours on your desk, the people in your family photos stop smiling.
Cafeteria lunch special is whatever got caught in the glue trap.
No desk chairs – everybody squats.
(from www.myboss.com) Various Real-Life Work Horror Stories and Policies
New company policy: You cannot work at a job that is rated higher than your current competency level. You cannot be rated at a higher competency level until you have worked at a job rated at that level. You can not improve your competency level through training.
“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.”
A group of us got together concerning the lack of merit increases this year (even though management got theirs). We made up a bumper sticker and stuck it on the Boss’s new Lexus. It reads, “How’s my managing? Call 1-800-NO-CLUE!”
We recently received a memo from senior management saying:
“This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above”
One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!”
I worked for a Boss who sent a memo to his assistant to investigate the possibility of canceling the fire insurance and buying a used fire truck for the employees to man.
To my previous Boss of 3 painful years: I worship the ground that awaits you.
My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
Quote from a recent interview: “You are a top flight candidate and I see that you have a lot of education. However, you understand, that intelligence is not really required for this job.”
Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what ‘I’ say.”
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for a Monday. When I told my Boss he said that she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.”
Sings You are Too Stressed Over Work:
Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
The Sun is too loud.
Trees begin chasing you.
You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
You can hear mimes.
You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
Things becomes “Very Clear”.
You ask the drive-through attendant if you can get your order to go.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channeler s can understand.
The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
You keep yelling “STOP TOUCHING ME!!!” even though you are the only one in the room.
Your heart beats in 7⁄8 time.
You and Reality file for divorce.
You can skip without a rope.
It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
You have great revelations concerning Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can’t quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
You can travel without moving.
Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before…
Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.
In the men’s room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it – “Think!”
The next day, when he went to the men’s room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read – “Thoap!”
What is a human resource?
The following is a handy guide to insure success in job placement:
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing:
If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering. If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance. If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting. If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them. If they are sleeping, they are Management material. If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documentation team. If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security. If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
HOW TO SPOT ALIENS AT WORK
This article has been attributed to a number of different sources, mostly tabloid magazines, but apparently the real author is concealing his identity. Probably for fear of alien retaliation.
Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human but you can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They listed 10 signs to watch for:
Odd or mismatched clothes. “Often space aliens don’t fully understand the different styles, so they wear combinations that are in bad taste, such as checked pants with a striped shirt or a tuxedo jacket with blue jeans or sneakers,” noted Brad Steiger, a renowned UFO investigator and author.
Strange diet or unusual eating habits. Space aliens might eat French Fries with a spoon or gobble down large amounts of pills, the experts say.
Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don’t understand earthly humor may laugh during a serious company training film or tell jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
Takes frequent sick days. A space alien might need extra time off to “rejuvenate its energy,” said Dr. Thomas Easton, a theoretical biologist and futurist.
Keeps a written or tape recorded diary. “Aliens are constantly gathering information,” said Steiger.
Misuses everyday items. “A space alien may use correction fluid to paint its nails,” said Steiger.
Constant questioning about customs of co-workers. Space aliens who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask questions that seem stupid, Easton said. “For example, a co-worker may ask why so many Americans picnic on the Fourth of July,” noted Steiger.
Secretive about personal lifestyle and home. “An alien won’t discuss domestic details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends,” said Steiger.
Frequently talks to himself. “An alien may not be used to speaking as we do, so it may practice speaking,” Steiger noted.
Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain high-tech hardware. “An alien may experience a mood change when a microwave oven is turned on,” said Steiger.
The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
Signs that your company has gone too far with its cost cutting:
The head of purchasing goes to employees’ homes and steals back office supplies.
Water coolers are coin operated.
To get paid company life insurance, you have to sell ten policies to relatives.
You have to call in sick on a 900 number.
Company blood drives are now considered a profit center.