January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #42 - Misc Jokes
Sorry for the delay folks, but work has been extra busy.
Well, the votes are in, and I definitely think the “Award for convincing the most people to subsribe to HumourList” goes to Tayra in B.C. Advertising on IRC has seen a LOT of new people join the list, about 50 new people since the last mailing. I guess Allan and Jason can stop arguing over who’s better, huh?
Sorry this header is so short. Gotta run.
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
“It’s just to hot to wear clothes today,” said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Probably that I married you for your money.”
10-step guide to ridding yourself of stress
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called “the world.”
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you’re holding under the water.
Look. It’s the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.
What a pleasant surprise. You let them up… just for a quick breath… then ploop!… back under they go…
Allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
There now… feeling better?
Top 16 lies your hairdresser will tell you
I’m only taking off half an inch
I’ll be with you in five minutes
It’s just the light in here.
I use it myself.
It’s a new technique.
The color will fade.
The perm will soften up and drop.
It will only take a day to get used to it.
It suits you.
It’s easy to manage.
It’s all the rage in New York.
It looks better short.
It won’t be frizzy – just a soft curl.
It’s just dry scalp.
I remember how I did it last time.
It’s very natural – no one would guess you’ve had streaks.
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, “You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”
“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”
An elderly parish priest became unhappy with the things he was hearing during Saturday confessions. After his sermon one Sunday morning, he said to his congregation, “I’m tired of hearing so many people tell me in confession that they have cheated. For thirty years, people have been saying to me ‘I have cheated with Anthony… I have cheated with Mary… I have cheated with Frankie.’ I am sick and tired of hearing this word. From now on, when you come into my confessional, you will say ‘I have fallen with Anthony, or with Mary, or with Frankie.’ No more the word CHEAT. It will be FALL.”
About a year later, the old priest retired and was replaced by a younger man. No one thought to tell the new priest about the change of words in the confessional. After hearing his first round of Saturday confessions, the young priest went to the mayor of the town and said to him, “Mr. Mayor, you are going to have to do something about the deplorable condition of the streets and sidewalks in this town. Everybody is telling me they are falling all over the place.”
The mayor immediately understood the problem, and he leaned back in his chair and laughed.
The priest was puzzled, and said, “Mr. Mayor, you shouldn’t be laughing! Your wife told me that just last week she fell three times!”
Norv Turner had put together the perfect Redskins team for 97’. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools and he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Superbowl win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm.
He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away Ka-boom!!!
He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away Ka-Blooey!!!
A car passes going around 90 mph Bulls-Eye! Right into it.
I’ve got to get this guy, Norv says to himself, he has a perfect arm! So, he brings him back to the states and teaches him the great game of football. The Redskins went on to win the Superbowl that year and the young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Superbowl XXXII.
When Norv Turner asked him what he wanted, all the young man wanted to do was call his mother.
“Mom”, the young man says into the receiver, “I just won the Superbowl!”
“I don’t want to talk to you”, the old woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son”. “I don’t think you understand, mother,” the young man pleads, “I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m in the middle of thousands of adoring fans”.
“No, let me tell you”, the mother implores. “At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week and this week your sister was killed in broad daylight….” The old lady pauses, in tears, “… I’ll never forgive you for moving us to Washington”.
I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I commented, “I don’t think that’s going to help.”
“Sure it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
“I went to my first ballet the other night and saw the women dancing on their tiptoes,” says comedian Greg Ray. “Why don’t they just get taller girls?”
The following letter from the family’s solicitor is addressed to a member of the British aristocracy who has been spending much of the summer in his residence in the south of France leaving his wife in the United Kingdom to look after the ancestral home.
Dear Sir Royston,
I hope you are having a good time on your holiday. I say this with sincerity because I am afraid that I have some bad news for you, although there is good news too.
First the bad news. I am sorry to tell you that your favorite dog, Honey, is dead. The vet says that she died instantly and could have felt no pain. She was kicked in the head by your horse, Sherbert, though I’m sure that no blame can be attached to Sherbert, frightened as he was by the fire in the barn. I’m afraid that Sherbert was in the barn along with your other horses when it burnt to the ground.
The fire brigade had been called within a short time of the barn catching fire and would normally have been able to put the fire out. Had it had not been for the fact that the tender crashed into your Bentley in the lane. Your wife had taken it out for a spin with your brother. As it was, both the tender and your Bently were written off.
No blame can be attached to your wife for the accident I’m sure. The Bentley was stationary at the time and your wife was in the back seat of the car. She managed to escape death only due to the fact that your brother was lying on top of her at the time of the collision. The doctors say that given time she will regain her sight but that she will never walk again. She has also lost her memory and cannot even remember you. Your brother, unfortunately, was killed.
I should explain how the barn came to be on fire in the first place.
You see a spark from the house blew over and set the roof alight.
The fire started in the main hall of the house where, as you know, your Mattisse and your Picasso once hung. I say `once’ because they are not there now. Fortunately neither of these paintings were damaged in the conflagration as they were stolen beforehand by the burgular who started the fire.
Although all of this may seem to you very serious it is not in fact the bad news that I wrote of. Your wife and brother had been visiting your Insurance agent in prison where he is serving a three year sentence for fraud. I’m afraid that none of your insurance policies are valid.
As I said, there is some good news. The heat from the fire warmed your greenhouse and brought your tomatoes on.
Here’s a scary, yet interesting thought…
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.” And for plenty of good reasons, since:
- it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
- it is a major component in acid rain
- it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
- accidental inhalation can kill you
- it contributes to erosion
- it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
- it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water.
The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible Are We?”
He feels the conclusion is obvious.
After taking a million calls today, with moron customers, I have decided that I want an answering system in our store. It will sound something like this to the customer:
Press 1 to hear today’s specials. Press 1 over and over to hear the specials repeated, the recording will never get irritated with your repeated requests for the same information….
Press 2 to hear a listing of our toppings.
Press 3 to hear the toppings listed SLOWLY so that you can repeat them one at a time to the idiot on the stupid couch who actually WANTS the pizza.
Press 4 when you have your stuff together and are ready to talk with a human being who has better things to do than help you decide what to order.