January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #41 - AOL, Gates Jokes
Okay, currently I have almost 20 subscribers from America Online, and I just know that after reading this Package that I’m going to have a few less subscribers, say around … almost 20. This Package I’m certain does not reflect on the subscribers I have, but, uh, everyone else. So for the subscribers I do have from AOL, PLEASE don’t leave. After all, I target Lawyers, and Doctors, and the Military, why not computer users? Actually, since there have been some great jokes going around about Bill Gates, I sort of made a Computer Humour Package.
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
Q. What do you get when you cross Microsoft with Apple? A. Microsoft
”…. In Redmond, Washington, Microsoft’s headquarters, the laughter will last for weeks. A popular joke has Bill Gates sending an e-mail to his chief financial officer, Greg Maffei: “You bought what? You spent my $150 million on what? Don’t you listen? I said, ‘Snapple!’….”
July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I’ve heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I’d better hold onto it incase they don’t ever send me anther one! I can’t connect. I don’t know what is wrong.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don’t see why. He’s just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn’t figure out where it goes. It wouldn’t fit in the monitor or the printer. I’m confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don’t work. I cant get online.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He’s so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that’s just another service. What a modest kid. He’s so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he’s smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn’t even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn’t know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.
July 26- What’s the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I’m confused.
July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he’s not so modest after all.
July 28 -I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I’m connected to America Online not usenet.
July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN’T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISN’T THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THAT’S A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN’T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1- I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASN’T SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON’T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASN’T SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. I’M NOT SHOUTING! I’M NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you’re not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I’m so exited. I’m going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.
August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I’ve looked and looked but I can’t find that group.
August 12 -I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he’s laughing so hard he can’t eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don’t know why the rec.humor group didn’t like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I’m also going to add that short story I like.
August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don’t have an account at his bank. He’s so dumb.
A day in life of Tech Support in the Cave Man Days:
Support: This “Fire Support.” Me Groog
Customer: Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
Support: You have flint and stone?
Support: You hit them together?
Support: What happen?
Customer: Fire not work
Support: (sigh) Make spark?
Customer: No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.
Support: sigh You change rock?
Customer: I change nothing
Support: You sure?
Customer: Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn’t keep Lorto from make fire.
Support: Grabs club and goes to Lorto’s cave “LART *WHAM*WHAM*WHAMWHAM“
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. Boasting of the advances in computers and software, he said:
“If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.”
To which the chairman of General Motors replied, “Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?”
The Top 11 Entries in Bill Gates’s Diary
- Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa
to complete the foursome.
10> Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn’t do windows – yet.
9> The baby cries constantly. Maybe I’ll buy Fisher-Price.
8> Bought my first Macintosh. It’s sooooo cute!
7> Good day. Found over 15 bucks’ worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.
6> Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.
5> Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!
4> Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!
3> Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.
2> Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.
and the Number 1 Entry in Bill Gates’s Diary…
1> Seventh day: rested.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List email@example.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
Things to Do While Waiting to Connect to AOL ‘cause It’s Always Busy
- Your ‘97 taxes
- Complete your B.A. degree
- watch your hair grow
- get 3-4 haircuts
- Count the ceiling tiles 200 times
- look up Prodigy in the phone book
- scribble I HATE AOL on a note pad 1,000 times
- read WAR & PEACE the write a book report on it
- contemplate the meaning of General Protection Fault
- watch your AOL stock drop in value
- become mesmerized by your screensaver
- organize your desk
- spend quality time with your hard drive
- memorize the words to the Pledge of Allegiance
- plan a mission to AOL Headquarters with a case of toilet paper
- GET DRUNK
- make a pen-pal via snail mail
- Chain smoke
- cook dinner
- go to store and buy more Beer
SPY MAGAZINE CALLS AOL
The following is taken from SPY magazine’s Holiday Issue. Their pranksters called several tech support people just to give them a hard time. This is AOL’s.
America Online (music played on hold: none)
AOL: Hi there, this is Dave. Are you using Mac, Windows or DOS? SPY: Um, I’m not exactly sure. I think it’s DOS. I saw AOL on TV and I just got my CD in the mail this morning and I CAN NOT make it work. AOL: OK. Oh, you got the CD ROM? SPY: Yeah. AOL: OK, what’s on your screen now? SPY: Um… just some snow. AOL: Oh really… some kind of distortion on the screen? SPY: Yeah, yeah there’s something flickering though. I think its a baseball game. AOL: Oh, wild, OK. This is on the computer screen? SPY: Yeah, the TV part. AOL: Oh, oh, so you have a TV on there also, as part of the computer? SPY: Yeah, I have the TV part, the typewriter part and the CD part. It looks like it does on the commercial.. I just for some reason, feel like I’m missing something. AOL: Yeah, there might be something missing. Tell you what: I’ll give you another number and they’ll help you get that CD ROM hooked up to the computer. SPY: Which part is the “computer”? Is that the typewriter or the TV? AOL: Uh, there should actually be a box that’s next to all that. That’s generally how I’ve seen it. There’s a box with a bunch of plugs and ports on the back. SPY: A box? Uh, I think we might have… I just took a typewriter and, uh, put it up to my TV. AOL: Uh, OK. SPY: Yeah, it’s a typewriter I had in college. AOL: I see, I see. It might just be a word processor. If it’s a word processor it’s not going to have the hardware that we would need to actually use the AOL program. You just put paper though it? SPY: Yeah. AOL: OK, yeah, it sounds like we have a word processor which has a microprocessor inside of it. It’s mainly just used for editing text, for when you’re typing. But there’s nothing in there to– SPY: Right, I just type, and like the letter goes click and there’s a letter on the paper. There’s no little screen… AOL: Oh, OK, yeah, then it might not even be a word processor, it might just be a typewriter. Yeah, we would for sure need a “computer,” uh, to use the system. SPY: Oh right. ‘Cause I saw it on the commercial, it just looks like they have a typewriter and then there’s a TV, and its all going, they’re just typing away. AOL: Right, right. SPY: I mean, it is an electronic typewriter, its not like… an acoustic one. AOL: Right, right, yeah, understandably so, but still with that there, that wouldn’t be a device that we could use with the software. With this software, you would pretty much want to have a computer. SPY: So, I have to go and get the special “box,” yeah? Is that it? And then we’re in business? AOL: We would definitely want to get a computer, and once you have that, you’re set to go. SPY: I can’t wait!! AOL: (brightly) Alrighty, thanks for calling America Online!