January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #40 - Misc Jokes
I must congratulate everyone on helping me out with Keltie’s birthday:
Yes, I am thoroughly amused, and impressed that you have such a far-reaching audience for your humour list! Thank you so much! It made an otherwise lackluster birthday very special. [small portion snipped] … so the fact that I had friendly people from all over the world sending me birthday wishes was so much fun! You’re great. Mark gave me the best present! Can you guess? I have no idea if you can, so here goes: An adorable teensy tiny wee little kitten! He’s orange, and I’m having a bit of trouble naming him thus far, but it’s only been one day, so we’ll see. I want this, our first official pet, to be special. Plus, he took me out to dinner, as many of your friends hoped he would, and it was lovely. So thank you, Ian. It meant a lot to me. I had no clue where it was coming from for a long time, let me tell you!
She was pretty happy about it, so again, I say thanks to everyone for helping out… That was my birthday present to her, I guess. Okay, so it’s not much of a gift, MAYBE, but it’s the thought that counts, right?
To all the college and university students, I’d like to offer some warm regards, to welcome you back to another year of studies:
Sorry, that’s my evil twin rearing his ugly side.
Just for warning sake: the list is going to be a little shaky in response time over the next month – work has got me working almost 7 days a week to finish this project, but there IS light at the end of the tunnel.
I am also in the stage of obtaining some custom software to run the mailing list… it will be (hopefully) more robust than the software I’m using now, and will allow for an unlimited number of subscribers.
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left his house.
“Is that your grandmother?”, I asked. “Yes,” Chris said. “She’s come to visit for a few weeks. “How nice,” I said. “Where does she live?” “At the airport,” Chris replied. “Whenever we want her we just go there and get her.”
Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverance, and a lot of other virtues you wouldn’t need if you’d stayed single.
(for the students, try giving this to your teacher and see if you get any extra grades)
You Might Be A Teacher If…
… you believe the staff room should have a valium salt lick.
… you find humour in other people’s stupidity.
… you want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to have all you holidays and summers free.”
… you can tell it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
… you believe “shallow gene pool” should have it’s own box on the report card.
… you believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, the kids are sure mellow today.”
… when out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
… marking all A’s on the report card would make your life SOOOO much simpler.
… when you mention “vegetables” and you’re not talking about a food group.
… you think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
… you wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
… you believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
… you really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.
… you’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would NEVER DREAM of doing your job.
… you can’t have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldn’t bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
… meeting a child’s parents INSTANTLY answers the question, “Why is this kid like this?”
Farmer Vance fell off the roof of his barn, breaking his right arm and leg. The following day members of his family sat around the dining room table while the oldest boy filled in an insurance form. The place, time and cause of the accident were indicated. At last they came to the final item, “Remarks.” After a few minutes of discussion, the son wrote painstakingly, “Being a good Baptist, he didn’t make none.”
Why Income Tax Consultants should not cook:
CHOCOLATE LAYER CAKE 1040
Line 1 : Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one) pound. (See line 4.)
Line 2 : Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey. Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.
Line 3 : Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.
Line 4 : Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose the
optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the
Cocoa Method, add 1⁄2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to
each 3 tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of
substitution. For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add
total of additional butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar
adjustments should be reflected in final total of Line 2.
For additional details on cocoa conversion, see Form 551.
Line 5a : Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional.
Line 5b : Flour, whole wheat, 1 2⁄3 cups.
Line 5c : Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus 3⁄4 cup whole wheat flour.
Line 6 : Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See Schedule ZE for reporting use of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost of real vanilla extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions.
Line 7 : Salt, 1⁄3 teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you must add salt.
Line 8 : Baking powder, 1 1⁄2 teaspoons. Use of baking soda will result in a penalty. See form W-Q. Line 8a. Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized Substitutions.
Line 9 : Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds 5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see Line 4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.)
Line 10 : Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m “For the Birds.”
Line 11 : Add vanilla.
Line 12 : In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7 for exception) and baking powder.
Line 13 : Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type (See Line 8a).
Line 14 : Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9x13 inch pan, which you should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line 9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9x13 pan) and turn cake(s) out onto wire rack. When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for details on appropriate frostings. Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this recipe and complete Schedule F, “Fresh Fruit Desserts.”
Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems troubled and asks her, “Is something bugging you? You look anxious.”
“Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market,” she explained.
“Oh, that’s too bad,” the other girl sympathized. “I’m sure you’re feeling sorry for him.”
“Yeah, I am,” she said. “He’ll miss me.”
Two forest rangers came across a man in Yellowstone State park who had killed and eaten an American Bald Eagle.
“I got separated from my tour and got lost days ago!! I was starving!!” he said.
But to no avail, the rangers took him away anyway, and he stood trial. When he was standing in front of the judge he said, “It was an accident!! I thought it was a chicken!! I was mad with hunger!! Please, please forgive me!!”
The judge had mercy on him and proclaimed him innocent. On his way out of the courtroom the judge approached him and said quietly, “I just have to know, what does Bald Eagle taste like?”
“A little like spotted owl… but not as strong as California Condor.”
As a high-school teacher, I thought I had heard it all. That is, until one of my sophomore math students came to class and saw her failing grade. “Oh, no!” she lamented. “Now I won’t be allowed to get my tongue pierced.”
The Top 15 Signs Your Band Will Never Win a Grammy
15> Since name “U2” is taken, manager suggests “USuck.”
14> Your esoteric blend of polka and speed metal was bad enough, but signing David Lee Roth was career suicide.
13> You weren’t even nominated for the “Most Likely to Never Win a Grammy” award.
12> Your particular category, “Sucky Bands That Sound Too Much Like Pearl Jam”, is terribly crowded again this year.
11> Your latest single, “Bugger the Guv’nor,” lacks the edge sought by today’s sophisticated Top40 listener.
10> Your barbershop quartet consists of Bobcat Goldthwait, Gilbert Gottfried, Pee Wee Herman, and Fran Drescher.
9> Even Vanilla Ice won’t talk to you at big pre-Grammy bash.
8> When you get out of detox you realize you inadvertently sent your last remaining demo to your Granny.
7> Band name? The Susan Lucci’s.
6> Jerry’s gone and the rest of the guys can’t find their car keys, let alone D-Minor.
5> You’re still 1 chord short of the magic “3.”
4> Your last album had more warning stickers on it than a carton of Olestra cigarettes.
3> Your audiences tend to light torches instead of matches.
2> You refuse to let your art be corrupted by the music industry – and besides, you can’t record ‘til you agree on a name, and even then, your folks won’t let you tour.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Band Will Never Win a Grammy…
1> “Mmmbop”? Mmmnope.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List email@example.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: “Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks: “Did you have a good trip, dear?”
He says: “Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”
His wife smiles and says, “Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box!”