January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #39 - Misc Humour
Here you go folks… a bunch of Misc Humour I’ve been saving up. This will be the last of eight Packages to be sent between August 23rd and August 30th.
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when …
- your twin sister forgets your birthday.
- you wake up face down on the pavement.
- you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
- you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
- you see a “60 Minutes news team” waiting in your outer office.
- your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
- your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
- you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren’t any.
- you turn on the TV news and they’re displaying emergency routes out of your city.
- the woman you’ve been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.
- you wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and then you realize that you don’t have a waterbed.
- your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.
- you get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that you’re no longer funny
- your doctor tells you, “Well, I have bad news and good news…”
- you open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: “WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!”
- your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that you’d better get the Test
- you wake up at work naked in front of your co-workers
- when someone accuses you of faking humor
- your lover tells you, “I’m sub-letting another apartment and the movers are here to move me.”
- you have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up
- you need your chocolate fix and the government just banned chocolate….
Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said “Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything – noise, spray, cats – nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated and they won’t go away.
The third said, “I baptized all mine and made them members of the church… Haven’t seen one back since” !!!
“Hello. Tech Support, may I help you?” “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?” “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.” “Went away?” “They disappeared.” “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?” “Nothing.” “Nothing?” “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?” “How do I tell?” [Uh-oh. Well, let’s give it a try anyway.] “Can you see the C:> prompt on the screen?” “What’s a sea-prompt?” [Uh-huh, thought so. Let’s try a different tack.] “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?” “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
[Ah–at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if she’s kicked out his/her monitor’s power plug.] “Does your monitor have a power indicator?” “What’s a monitor?” “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?” “I don’t know.” “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?” [sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] “Yes, I think so.” “Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.” [pause] “Yes, it is.”
[Hmm. Well, that’s interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don’t want to send her hunting for the power switch because I don’t know what kind of monitor she has and it’s bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?” “No.” “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.” [muffled] “Okay, here it is.” “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.” [still muffled] “I can’t reach.” “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?” [clear again] “No.” “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?” “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle–it’s because it’s dark.” “Dark?” “Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.” “Well, turn on the office light then.” “I can’t.” “No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power–!?!” …[AAAAAAARGH!] “A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?” “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.” “Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.” “Really? Is it that bad?” “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?” “Tell them you’re TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!” [slam]
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
- Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
- Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
- Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
- Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
- Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
- Honest Attorney EXTINCT
- Cut-throat 2
- Back-stabbing Whiner 2
- Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
- Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
- Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
I had to kill my anaylst. He helped me a lot, but he knew too much.
A short history of medicine:
“Doctor, I have an earache…”
2000 B.C. - “Here, eat this root.” 1000 A.D. - “That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.” 1850 A.D. - “That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.” 1940 A.D. - “That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.” 1985 A.D. - “That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.” 2000 A.D. - “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.”
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
A Soldier in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Wanna hear a Marine joke?”
The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m 6’ tall, 200 lbs, and I’m MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2” tall, weighs 225, and he’s a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6’5” tall, weighs 250, and he’s also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?”
The Soldier says, “Nah, I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”