January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #38 - Misc Humour
Here you go folks… a bunch of Misc Humour I’ve been saving up. This will be the seventh of eight Packages to be sent between August 23rd and August 30th.
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
The ship was going down. The captain and the crew were trying - in the middle of a terrible mid-Atlantic winter storm - to get the lifeboat out. “We can hope for nothing but Divine intervention,” cried the captain. “Does anyone know how to pray?” No answer. After a few seconds of silence, the cabin boy timidly spoke up. “Maybe I can help. I used to live next to a church.” The captain ordered everyone to their knees.
The boy began. “Under the B, two. Under the I, 16…”
Is Windows a Virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:
They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh… Windows does that, too.
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that’s with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental, differences: Viruses are well-supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus!
SIGNS THAT YOU DRINK WAY TOO MUCH
- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
- You have to hold on the the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
- Your job is interferring with your drinking
- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
- Your career won’t progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
- The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
- You sincerely believe alcohol is the 5th food group.
- 24 hours in a day, 24 cans in a case….coincidence? I don’t think so!
- Two hands and just one mouth. Now that’s a drinking problem!
- You can focus better with one eye closed.
- The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
- You fall off the floor.
- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
- Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger. Screw dinner.
- Mosquitos catch a buzz after attacking you.
- At AA meetings you begin, “Hi , my name is…. uh…..”
- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
- You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, and you fell asleep clothed……hmmm…….
- The whole bar says HI when you come in.
- You don’t recognize your spouse unless they are seen while looking through the bottom of a glass.
- That stupid pink elephant followed you home again.
- Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
- You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikki.
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.”
But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. “What did he say?” asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, “He said ‘Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.’”
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. “Can you tell me in your own words what happened?” asked the judge.
“I’m a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof.” said the man.
“Yes go on.” said the astounded judge.
“Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card.”
“Yes go on.” said the judge.
“And he asked ‘Can you prove you`re from New York City?’ So I stabbed him.”
I was in the USMC in the early 70’s, in LeJuene, in Motor. One Lance Corporal reported that he was working on his truck, doing endless 1st echelon maintenance, when a First Luie came over and asked what he was doing. He didn’t really know, so he just muttered, “Aw, shit,” and peered out from under the truck. Seeing the butter bars, he of course jumped to attention and saluted. “I’m tightening down the BRT, Sir.”
“The salute was returned with a “Carry on, Marine.”
I asked him what a BRT was, and he just replied…
“A Big Round Thing…”
For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on iron-poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason I’m tired is because I’m overworked.
The population of this country (USA) is 237 million.
104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who ‘work’ for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 sick people in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you’re sitting there reading e-mail…
On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater’s concession stand, we noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments.
Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, “Okay, who’s got the remote?”
A Study reveals that more than half of Americans lose their TV remote between one and five times a week, while 11 percent misplace it six to ten times. Sixty-three percent of those who’ve lost their remotes spend five minutes searching for them, and 16 percent spend ten minutes. Most often the device is hiding in or under furniture or in a nearby room, but six percent say they usually find it in the fridge.
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to scrub off the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror!!
Billy’s father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part. Billy enthusiastically announced that he’d gotten a part. “I play a man who’s been married for twenty years.”
“That’s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they’ll be giving you a speaking part.”